Posted by: heartbroken | 2008-11-13

Sex addiction

Hi doc,

I' m engaged to a wonderful man and we have been together for a while. We have our ups and downs but other than that we fit together perfectly.

When we met, I knew he liked watching porn and honestly I don' t mind. It just gives me an idea of what he likes.
The problem is lately I' ve gotten the idea that he' s been mailing and calling girls he meets on the internet.

He denied everything but I found a e-mail on his computer where he asked a woman if she would like to have no stings attached sex with him.

We had a fight about it and he said that nothing happend and nothing will. But it happend again and I' m getting the idea that he' s obsessed with this idea of having sex with a stranger.

He doesn' t want to go to counselling and I' m not sure what to do. I really love him.

Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with your sensible attitude towards his interest in porn ; and that once he is mailing girls met on the web and talking about sex, even suggesting a meeting, its gone too far. It may be a persistent fantasy of his, and maybe indeed he doesn't intend to act on it, but its still inconsiderate to one's partner. He could of course work with you to act out a fantasy of meeting a stranger ( you ) for a romantic evening, but some men are very literal, and not so good at role play. Couples counselling would indeed be a good idea, and if he's reluctant, maybe because he sees it as a place where he will be scolded, work on persuading him to give it a try. Tell him you really do love him, as you've told us, but that you need to work together on enhacing mutual understanding ; and if he wants you to tolerate this aspect of him, he ought to tolerate your desire for mutual counselling

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just me | 2008-11-14

Dear heartbroken,

I’ ve been thru where you are now… .I also found him watching porn..and later he used to go onto chat sites..when I caught him, he just said he was curious and didn’ t intend to go further.. A year later, I found out that he DID go further… to play out a fantasy. So what I’ m saying is… don’ t just believe that he will not take it further… if he’ s into porn… and usually too much of it… watching alone won’ t satisfy him… eventually he too, will go ‘ make it happen” . Trust your instincts… and let him know that this porn thing is getting outa hand…  some men just cant ..or rather won’ t control their urges. In my opinion sex addiction is just a ‘ lable”  to hide behind what is just purely disgusting behaviour… which they refuse to control…  To me. fantasising about other women alone… constitutes cheating… .and that is only the start… 

Good luck and God bless

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