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Question
Posted by: Wife in despair | 2008/10/22

Serious marital problems

Long story short. My husband has a son aged 13 from a previous relationship who has been living with us since he was 5. We have two kids aged 3 and 1 together. 3 Years ago he had an affair with a girl 20 yrs younger than him and a child was born out of that affair. I only found out about everything when someone sent me an sms. My husband blames the affair on me. Says I caused him to go look elsewhere. I know he has a responsibility to that child but since I' ve found out nothing has really changed. He says its over between him and that girl but she still sends him sms and have recently started emailing him to our business email. Emails that is designed to hurt and infuriate me. The I discovered that the girl and the Juan ( 13 yr old )mother have been emailing each other for a while. My husband does not want to understand why all this is driving me over the edge. Firstly, I have been and is raising Juan, how can his mother who does even take care of him be so disloyal to me to be cavorting with the slut? He says they are both mothers of his children and he sees nothing wrong with it. Please help, am I insane or should I just leave him. I feel as if I' m surrounded by disloyal people in my own house and that I cannot trust anyone.

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Our expert says:
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Hasn't this guy heard of contraception ? Infidelity is bad faith, but creating other children is especially unfair to everyone involved, and highly irresponsible. No such affair could be considered your fault --- he's simply refusing to take responsibility for his own actions and choices as a real man ought to do. He does have responsibilities towards that child, but this does not include maintaining any other sort of relationship with the woman. And you're right that the mother who neglected her child and left him to be raised by you, should not be playing around with your husband --- but neither should he allow or tolerate that. What a childish and selfish man he is !
He fails to see that his duty is to the CHILD, not to continue any form of affair with their mothers. Of course you're not insane. Do consult a lawyer and a personal counsellor, and carefulyl consider your options

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2008/10/23

If your gutt tells you to divorce him, divorce him, only you know what else he does that makes you feel uneasy, we are not there everyday to experience what youre going through, and you cant live with someone who as you say betray you. Youre not insane my dear, you have reason to react like this, you have given so much of yourself, to raise this man' s child from another woman, that takes a lot to do, and I admire you for that. So he should be appreciating you, treating you like a queen, not going out and making more children, its disgusting to say the least, who knows if he wont go out and have another child, why cant he keep his goody to himself??? Some men just dont hav any self control! I hope you make a decision thats going to be on your best interest. Good luck

Reply to Me
Posted by: Melanie | 2008/10/22

Dear WID
Please please don' t feel so despaired. You are still together after everything you have been through so I think that you are doing well. This girl is still trying to get yr hubby (inviting him over etc) and he has chosen to be with you so perhaps you can work with that. Look at the positive signs and don' t focus on the other stuff. Maybe eventually she will meet someone her own age and leave your man alone.

Reply to Melanie
Posted by: Wife in despair | 2008/10/22

Thank you to evryone for the advice.

Sg : I know that he must have contact with the mother becoz of the child but its the content of the sms and email that I find unacceptable. Every time the child coughs she sends him an sms telling him what the child did, is doing now and that he' s crying for his dad. Also sending personal invitations that she' s alone at home ( still lives with her mother ). Where she is concerned he hides everything. She only sends please call me' s and we have to foot the bill. Every time he walks away to make a call I know its to her. Why does he not speak in front of me?He says he doesnt want to upset me.The child was 3 mths old before I found out. He pays R1000-00 per month in maintenance, I did not even know this until he was forced to tell me. Why must my kids be neglected becoz he feels guilty towards that one becoz he doesnt have afull time father? They should have known this would happen. I' m really in despair. We have been together for 12 years abd narried for 6 and my head tells me the option would be to divorce him as I dont feel that he' ll ever be honest where this girl is concerned.

Reply to Wife in despair
Posted by: Melanie | 2008/10/22

Dear Wife in Despair
Under the circumstances I think that you are very in control and understanding and your husband is lucky to have you. In order for you to feel better about his relationships with the mothers he needs to set boundaries with them. The fact that she sends e-mails to your business is unacceptable and your husband needs to put an end to this. She is doing it to get a reaction from you. She is obviously trying to stir it up between you and your husband.
I think that counselling for both yourself and then as a couple will help you and also perhaps make your husband realise that he must take responsibility for the affair.
Good luck

Reply to Melanie
Posted by: Sg | 2008/10/22

There has to be some contact between your husband and this woman as they have something in common,a child.However,there should be no secrets about the communication and you should be in the know.
Your husband' s past does not sound too healthy but all could be quite innocent.Just chat to him and say you understand the need to communicate about their child but you should be kept in the loop

Reply to Sg

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