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Question
Posted by: Julie | 2009/10/18

self esteem

I am not sure what to do. I have most my life suffered from a very unhealthy self esteem but have over many years worked at building it into a healther one. And today I am in a far better position regarding self esteem than I have ever been.However I am concerned about my most recent male friendship and the effect it oculd have on my self esteem. I have met a very wonderful man and we have become great friends but I am attracted to him and he is not attracted to me. I approached him about it once and he said he was flattered but that I was not his type. This plays into all the negative self talk of " you are not good enough, pretty enough, blonde enough etc etc" . Yet I do love spending time with him. Is this connection destructive to me just because the man is not sexually attracted to me? A part of me is wishing that he will suddenly see how wonderful I am and fall in love with me, and another part is so relieved tha he just wants to be friends. I am confused. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As those of us with self-esteem problems usually try hard not to let others recognize this, it feels as though you are the only one on earth thus affected. Its difficult when you decide to let your feelings of self-esteem depend not on yourself and the good esteem you deserve in and of yourself, but when you make this a hostage to the decisions and opinions of other people, and often of really unworthy other people.
As for this guy, we all have our types, and fortunately are not turned on by everyone else ; and it's no reflection on you if you don't happen to match what he fancies as a lover - you apparently meet his criteria for a good friend, and that's at least as valuable and should be at least as affirming, as being someone's lover.
You want a splendid lover, and will probably find one some day - but you need good friends, and its good to know that he respects you and doesn't want to exploit you, either.
Consider seeing a CBT counsellor to work on developing a mo

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Julie | 2009/10/18

Thank You so much dearest CS
I just needed to be reminded of all the above
X

Reply to Julie
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/10/18

As those of us with self-esteem problems usually try hard not to let others recognize this, it feels as though you are the only one on earth thus affected. Its difficult when you decide to let your feelings of self-esteem depend not on yourself and the good esteem you deserve in and of yourself, but when you make this a hostage to the decisions and opinions of other people, and often of really unworthy other people.
As for this guy, we all have our types, and fortunately are not turned on by everyone else ; and it's no reflection on you if you don't happen to match what he fancies as a lover - you apparently meet his criteria for a good friend, and that's at least as valuable and should be at least as affirming, as being someone's lover.
You want a splendid lover, and will probably find one some day - but you need good friends, and its good to know that he respects you and doesn't want to exploit you, either.
Consider seeing a CBT counsellor to work on developing a mo

Reply to cybershrink

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