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Question
Posted by: Miko | 2009-06-01

Secretive partner

My partner is very secretive and have a problem with that. I have been very open to her and told her I am not confortable with her keeping secrets from me. She tells me I do not have to know everything that she does. I find this a unfair as I am open to her.We have talked about it and promised not to keep secrets anymore but nothing has changed. I am afraid this will mess me up as I have plans with her and she is game. She has lied to me before and I am afraid this will never stop. I really love this lady and have indicated to her that lies damage a relationship because there is going to be a lack of trust. I do not want to think the worst that she is even cheating on me because fo her secrets. Please advise...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Indeed you cannot ever know everything your partner knows, but presumably that's not what you're wanting. Isn't it more that you want to know anything of specific types that are relevant to the relationship ? What she had for lunch isn't your concern, surly. Total disclosure isn't possible or desirable ( she'd be so busy telling you what she did yesterday, there'd be no time for her to do anything today ). So it's lying or non disclosing things she knows to be validly relevant to you that is the concern. Couples counselling might be able to sort this out, and to set more reasonable boundaries of disclosure between you.

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