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Question
Posted by: Very concerned | 2010/04/14

Secret Love Affair

Dear Doc and fellow readers

Sorry4the long letter.I’  m in serious need of advice on how to handle a situation with my 21 year old cousin. Me and hubby took him in our home, after he finished school, taken care of him eversince. We both love and care very much bout him. We organized him a well paid permanent job, while studying, helped him getting his own transport, and getting independent. We basically stood by him through every crisis he went through. We charge him very little rent, because he used to help a lot in and around the house, as he is a very responsible young man with very good manners and had the greatest respect for both me and hubby. Everything went very well until a year ago when he started an affair with his married colleague, who’  s 8 years older then him, 2 young children, and a husband who adores her.

He introduced her to me, as just some1 he works with, cos he knew I don’  t have a lot of girlfriends. In a very short while I really grew very close to her, as she is a very nice girl, with good manners and a great personality. She opened up towards me, about her troubling marriage from the start, and that’  s where she came to visit very often and the 3 of us hanged out a lot, that’  s when they told me in confidence bout their affair, when I already got hooked on her. Although I did not judge them, I did not like what’  s going on, but told them it wouldn’  t change my relationship with her, or him. In that time I talked a lot to them about the affair, asking them to end it before it gets too messy or emosional, I adviced her to rather divorce her husband if they really loved one another, but she always had the excuse of how a bastard her husband is, and how he’  s threatening to kill her, if she ever leaves him.

Through all our hanging-outs, me and hubby met her hubby, who is the nicest person, and who’  s only flaw is, that he loves his wife so much that he chose to live in denial and believe every word she says, as she and sweet honest little “  couz”  learned to lie and cheat their way out every time husband confronts her of his suspicions.It just got worse cos everyone at their work knows and talked bout the affair, my whole family learned bout it, not because I told any1, but because it got all and more obvious, when they leave together at a party, meet after work , and do everything a “  secret”  affair takes.

My problem with them started when their affair put a strain on my relationship with my cuz, when he’  s whole attitude towards everyone else changed, especially at home. He lied to me in my face over and over again, used me and any1 else just for an alibi to go visit her at her house, or get her hubby to allow her to gou out with us, They don’  t care who they hurt in the process, has no interest in any1 nor anything else, but her, and their affair. I told them both on numerous occasions how that made me feel, and they said they’  ll end it, just to find out they never did, so I stopped going out with them, and band her from my house. Me and hubby also spoke to cuz several times, about how this whole attitude change affects every1 and everything around him..and then he just made another empty promise.I cant talk to him anymore, I’  m so hurt in him betraying us over and over again, that we told him a month ago, that if he does not act up, he’  ll have to find another place to live. We know, and he himself knows that he cant afford to live anywhere else, cos currently he’  s in such a financial state, that he cant even afford to pay this little amount of rent.Don’  t get me wrong, I realize this young man is deeply in love,(first girlfriend) and that’  s why he’  s acting this way, and doing all this stuff unintentionally, I realize that this woman(now my ex girlfriend) only uses him, cos she admitted that she’  ll never leave her husband. But I also learned that sometimes one have to be cruel to be kind, cos i used to learn my lessons the hard way. How should I handle this, cos it’  s affecting me bigtime, should I just ask him to pack his clothes and leave, cos we gave him notice more than once, and then he just promised, and we find out later they’  re still c’  ing each other. He also plays on my feelings a lot cos he knows how much I care bout him. Me and hubby knows that telling her hubby is the only solution to stop this affair, but I feel it’  s not our place to tell him, and even if we do, he’  s gonna choose to believe her lies, but right now I feel that they can do whatever they like, as long as they do it, while he’  s staying at his own place and not under while living under my roof. But then again, wouldn’  t that mean that I’  m throwing him for the wolves, or should I keep on trying talking sense into him? He sent me a msg this morning, telling me again how sorry he is bout everything and how he wishes things could be normal again, but how do I believe him, cos he broke our trust in him so many times. Sorry for the long letter, but pls any advice would b appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He sounds like a formerly good young man, who has been lucky to have friends and relatives like you.
Its a pity, though, that you have become caught up in the problems of him and his mistress, If she has problems in her marriage she should either try to fix it through marriage counselling, or divorce, and if she fears her husband's reaction to this, a group like POWA which helps abused women leave safely, could advise her. And how does she expect such a potentially violent husband to react when ( its hardly "if" ) he finds out about the affair ?
An unhappy marriage is not a good excuse for an affair. And being "in love" with your mistress isn't an excuse for hurting others, either.
But then your subsequent comments suggest that ther is no abuse and a pleasant husband, who she is cheating on, and blaming for her bad behavior. And then that they are using you to help them cheat. That is not acceptable.
You and your husband may need another calm and serous discussion with him, pointing out how often he has lied to you and involved you, and how his promises are meaningless. Tell him to pack his bags and that unless the affair ends NOW, he must leave, and where he can then afford to stay is HIS problem, not yours. He can't use his poverty as an excuse to expect to be allowed to get away with a seedy affair hurting others.
It could be argued that it IS your place to tell her husband, because you are not nosy neighbours, but have been deliberately involved by the young man and his mistress in misleading that husband, and you wish to set that record straight.
You're not under an obligation to keep struggling to talk sense into him when he so obviously ignores or rejects your advice. And you would not be throwing him to the wolves - he and his mistress ARE the wolves.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Almost mad | 2010/04/14

Tell your cousen that either his girlfriend tells her husband the truth or you will. It isnt fair to the husband and your cousen is better off without a lying cheating women in his life anyway.

Reply to Almost mad
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/14

He sounds like a formerly good young man, who has been lucky to have friends and relatives like you.
Its a pity, though, that you have become caught up in the problems of him and his mistress, If she has problems in her marriage she should either try to fix it through marriage counselling, or divorce, and if she fears her husband's reaction to this, a group like POWA which helps abused women leave safely, could advise her. And how does she expect such a potentially violent husband to react when ( its hardly "if" ) he finds out about the affair ?
An unhappy marriage is not a good excuse for an affair. And being "in love" with your mistress isn't an excuse for hurting others, either.
But then your subsequent comments suggest that ther is no abuse and a pleasant husband, who she is cheating on, and blaming for her bad behavior. And then that they are using you to help them cheat. That is not acceptable.
You and your husband may need another calm and serous discussion with him, pointing out how often he has lied to you and involved you, and how his promises are meaningless. Tell him to pack his bags and that unless the affair ends NOW, he must leave, and where he can then afford to stay is HIS problem, not yours. He can't use his poverty as an excuse to expect to be allowed to get away with a seedy affair hurting others.
It could be argued that it IS your place to tell her husband, because you are not nosy neighbours, but have been deliberately involved by the young man and his mistress in misleading that husband, and you wish to set that record straight.
You're not under an obligation to keep struggling to talk sense into him when he so obviously ignores or rejects your advice. And you would not be throwing him to the wolves - he and his mistress ARE the wolves.

Reply to cybershrink

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