Posted by: Spark | 2009-07-28

Search to find ME!

I am 42. Head strong and very independent. I am a single mom and love doing things for my daughter, give her everything she wants. Financially I am a mortgage slave, but to give my daughter the security she needs it is worth it.

You would think being 42 I would know myself. But I don’ t! I am searching to find out who I am, what makes me tick, struggling to get answers.
As I mentioned above, I am independent, I like my own company, but somewhere in the back of my mind I get this yearning feeling I need a partner in my life. I think it is when I look at my parents being married for 47 years and my brother for 21 years, I want that. Even though they don’ t have perfect marriages, they are sticking it out with the one partner.

I was married once, 15 years ago for 2.5 years. It wasn’ t a good marriage with the abuse. I have been on my own ever since. I had the occasional relationship. And the guys where just no good. This morning in the bath, I actually realized what they all have in common. They either have or had a drinking problem, they either have or had a drug problem, they all were in jail (1 night to 6 months). They all come out of broken marriages, one parent would be an alcoholic.

Why do I have so little self-esteem with everything I reached in life. I am self supportive, yet I feel I need a man, then when there is one, he is mentally / physically not well. Why do I go for low class rubbish? Do I think so little of myself that I treat myself to bliss with low class men? How do I get out of it? I don’ t need a man, I truly like my own company, so why WHY???? Do I think I need one?
How do I tell myself, I am the most important person in my life, I must look after me to be able to give my daughter the best out of life? Why is my self-worth, self-esteem, self confidence so low, and how do I get it up there to tell the world, I AM HERE AND I AM OK!

I ask, because you guys out their helped me so much in the past, and it is good to speak to you. You are my silent friends, as I don’ t have friends. It is just me and my daughter.

ANY advice would be welcome to get me out of the slumps!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Self-esteem isn't really about what one has, or has done, but an inner relationship with your self and your sense of self, and low self-estem can influence your choice of potential partners, in a most unhelpful way. I understand the sort of answers you ae seeking, but they are simple enough to summarise in this format. But some counselling / therapy, preferabl of the CBT format, could help you a great deal, to find answers, and more usefully, find a different way of doing these things, a different and more useful set of conclusions ans assumptions, rather than just knowing why.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: D | 2009-07-28

You welcome!

Reply to D
Posted by: Spark | 2009-07-28

D, You nailed it on the head. Reading what you wrote shook me inside. You are so right.

Between you and Rick, my life is getting on the right track.
I will always be grateful.


Reply to Spark
Posted by: D | 2009-07-28

Why, because I think its the idea that attracts you to a man, the idea of being part of a relationship, you have been on your own for so long and all your time has been given to your child.
So in essence there was never time to find yourself. You see relationships around whether bad or good and that made you feel alone and unloved, its really about that. SO you dont really see these guys for who they are initially as the idea of being in a relationship is what is really attracting you to them.

Lets be honest every relationship has its risks just like life has many, nothing is set in stone unless you willing to take that risk, being fearful of hurt and pain and rejection can set you back twofolds and you could end up missing something special. You need to be happy and being happy you project that happiness and will attract the good.

Do things you wanted to do but never had the chance to, go out, join clubs, gym anything involving meeting new people, and if your child is young employ your family to babysit. Theres lots of things out there for you, you might just find your calling, but you have to take out finding a man from the equation, that comes after you have discovered yourself.

I hope I have been a little bit helpful, good luck and wish well

Reply to D
Posted by: Rick | 2009-07-28

Hi Spark,

These are the questions I have asked myself and remember that its a ' work in progress"  I dont think that you ever finish asking the questions, you just keep adding answers as your life moves on and your situation changes. You also keep on asking questions ...these are just to get you thinking in a certain direction...

1.What are my feelings about trust?
2.What qualities do I expect in a partner?
3.What is my definition of an ideal relationship?
4.What needs to be completed in my life? What is unfinished?
5.How can I express my feelings in an unconditional manner to others and to myself?
6.Am I ready to allow myself to relax and take pride in my achievements?
7.Am I ready to allow myself to let go of the masks that hide my true self?
8.What gifts of learning could a deep relationship bring into my life at this time?
9.What exites my curiosity and inspires me at this time?
10.Am I ready to follow and trust my intuition?
11.How can I focus on what brings me inner peace?
12.Am a now ready to accept my situations as it is and let go of the past?
13.Where in my life do I need I feel the need for new beginning?


Reply to Rick
Posted by: Spark | 2009-07-28

Hi Phil, no not all bad, I just seem to get the bad ones. The once I got were locked up for assult, drugs etc. They were bad, menatlly as well.

Hi Rick,
What questions do I need to ask? I seem to ask the mellow superficial questions all the time? Like " Why am I like this?"  nothing hardcore about that. Please advice what are the questions I need to ask myself.


Reply to Spark
Posted by: Rick | 2009-07-28


I can almost relate, Im recently divorced and now recovering and healing...but, at a time during this process I asked the same questions as you about low self esteem, lack of confidence etc...I only felt like this because I was in a slump and didnt believe in myself....I knew the best thing for me was to just hole-up because if i went out I would meet people who were at that same low level as me...and I didnt want that, cause I am not like that.

I had to take long hard looks at myself and ask many painfull questions...essentially I faced myself down and came to the conclusion that I need no one to validate my existance, I am comfortable in my own skin and I will attract the right person to me, once I have started to love myself again.

You say you are headstrong and very independent...but why then do you mix with low-lifes (boozers, jail birds, druggies). You cant be that headstrong or as independent as you think then??? What Im saying is that these are the types of questions you need to ask yourself...the tough ones.

Why can you not attract decent kind and loving men? Its not because you have a child, many men love children.

Start at the very beginning, ask questions, evaluate yourself, if you cant do this on your own, get some professional help to get you started. You are clearly repeating behaviour patterns that you are comfortable with, even though they are not good for you. Breaking out of them is very tough, but worth it if you have the guts to make a change for the best in your life.

Ive done it, and have not looked back since!


Reply to Rick
Posted by: Phil | 2009-07-28

Spark, all the best with finding you. Is everyone bad that spend a night in jail, or hwo' s aprents were bad and alcoholics?
I grew up in a broken home, father was an alcohollic. Not long back I spend a night in jail, after the x' s boyfriend stalked me. He laid assault charges, I was locked up but charges were withdrawn by the court for obvious reasons. I also drink, but don' t think I' m an alcoholic. I' m also a single parent, rasing my kids alone. So Spark, I don t think that everyone is that bad?

Reply to Phil

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