Our expert says:
You really need and deserve to see a good psychologist to work through your grief and the related issues. You are not responsible for your dad's death, but under the circumstances its understandable that you feel that way. Grief is hard work. And you are, without realizing it, making it far harder for yourself, the way you keep telling yourself you WON' be able to handle it.
Have you ever thought that if grief is so painful, the most loving thing is to hope that the person you love will actually die first, so they don;'t have to suffer the grief of losing you ?
It sounds as though there's an obsessive personality at work here, maybe even some degree of obsessive disorder, keeping you focussed on this theme, and making it harder for you to progress beyond it.
Antidepressants may help IF there is a chemical depression, but don't really help grief, so you do need to see a therapist to work on this, which will benefit youi and your family
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