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Question
Posted by: Chanel | 2011/01/19

SAD GIRL

Why is it so difficult to forget the person who caused me so much pain and heartache?? I was in an abusive relationship but ended it as I could not take the verbal abuse (swearing, threatening etc) anymore. I miss him so much that I cry everyday when I have to go home. I know he will never change as he is so set in his ways and the fact that he drinks excessively (almost every day) also raised the red flags for me! How could I love someone who treated me so badly!? Oh sometimes I wish we did not have any feelings .....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You are absolutely right that he will never change. WHat, really, is it that you feel you miss about him ? Surely not all the horrible aspects of who he is and what he does ? Is it, perhaps, that what you miss is the guy you THOUGHT he was, hoped he was, hoped he might become ? And the "missing" is more of a difficulty in giving up those impossible dreams, and admitting that was not him ?
Congratulations on having the sense, courage and strength to leave the abuser. Commend yourself for that. Do you really miss going home and wondering what nasty thing he will do next ? DO you really miss the swearing and threats ? He loves the alcohol and the chance to dominate someone else more than he loves or will love anyone. You are so well rid of him. See a counsellor, maybe through a group like POWA, if you are really finding this difficult to do.
Once you can let go of this bad person, you will become free to find a real man who actually will treat you with the respect you deserve

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Turiya | 2011/01/20

Be gently with yourself. It takes time. Get a new hobby / interest which really makes YOU happy. Happiness will grow and before you know it your life will stear in a different direction. Take this time to heal and invest in yourself.

Reply to Turiya
Posted by: Nika | 2011/01/20

Your story is so familiar, I am in the exact same boat, he was abusive, loved being with his friends more than me, his family was crazy about me but not him, I helped him financially. Everytime i wanted to leave he''d cry and beg me not to, broke up and one stage and got back together then engaged but this didn''t help, until he found someone who was better. This had me torn and he even insisted that I wanted to control him, anyway, now I" m with such a sweet carring adorable man that i love to bits but cant get this man out of my mind!! I think it''s even gotten to a place where certain things my new bf does I can''t cope with and I''m not sure if it is because of my ex or whether these are generally things i need to sort out before we get married. I really know deep and through out my heart that my ex will NEVER ever be the man I have now but I JUST CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!! Thanks to cyber doc I''ve finally realised today what the problem is.

Reply to Nika
Posted by: Chanel | 2011/01/19

Tx to CS and Casey. :)

Reply to Chanel
Posted by: Casey | 2011/01/19

Give yourself time to heal.

Reply to Casey
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/19

You are absolutely right that he will never change. WHat, really, is it that you feel you miss about him ? Surely not all the horrible aspects of who he is and what he does ? Is it, perhaps, that what you miss is the guy you THOUGHT he was, hoped he was, hoped he might become ? And the "missing" is more of a difficulty in giving up those impossible dreams, and admitting that was not him ?
Congratulations on having the sense, courage and strength to leave the abuser. Commend yourself for that. Do you really miss going home and wondering what nasty thing he will do next ? DO you really miss the swearing and threats ? He loves the alcohol and the chance to dominate someone else more than he loves or will love anyone. You are so well rid of him. See a counsellor, maybe through a group like POWA, if you are really finding this difficult to do.
Once you can let go of this bad person, you will become free to find a real man who actually will treat you with the respect you deserve

Reply to cybershrink

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