Posted by: Ex wife &  ex mom | 2009-03-23

Sad and Depressed in silence

Hi Doc,

I am a mom of 3 kids, my eldest a 18year old daughter, first her physcology student. My issue is that my highly intellecutual, above average kid has just told me that she' s pregnant. I at first didn' t know how to deal with it but after a day or 2 I got to grips with it &  decided to support her in whatever she decides to do. But after a week she had such a crap attitude that I told her to pack her things and leave. She went to live with my mom, the next day I went to fetch her and she said that she will never come home again. I accepted and respected her decision but also told her that if she don' t come home with me then I have no other choice but to close my door to her. As for my mom and brother, when I arrived to fetch her, they told me that they will not send her home and that they will support her, I then too told them that because they have chosen to interfere with my parenting, I have no other alternative but to say good bye to them as well.
With all this being said, I am in a marriage that is heading for divorce and I am hating my job more and more.

I am so careful with my 2 sons, I am scared that I will spoil and love too much and will be hurt in this way again.
No body knows how I feel, I cry when everyone is asleep and I get deep stabbing pains in my chest all the time.


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Our expert says:
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Eish. One can be intellectual, even intelligent, without being wise. Its overall usualyl a good policy with a kid of 18, to respect their decisions --- if they are actually applying their mind to making those decisions thoutfully, rather than acting impulsive and over-emotionally. Sounds like you may, though, have been painting yourself into a corner, with some similarly emotional and not fully thought-through decisions. A "never darken my door step again" approach to daughter, parents, and brother isolates you, but doesn't surely solve any of the problems ? Wouldn't it be better to try to negotiate a peace conference, with all interested parties, maybe even with a counsellor to help referee, to work out the best solution for everyone involved ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009-03-23

OK, so didn' t you know that at 18 you simply know EVERYTHING? Actually at 15 you start knowing everything, by 18 you are an encyclopedia !
Seriously though, I think you have to handle this one carefully. First of all, get hold of Mr " I promise you won' t fall pregnant"  and start making urgent plans for financial support, either from him or his parents. Do it nice and legal and make sure you get all you can, this baby is going to be an expensive item for the next 21 years.
Revise your attitude. Tell her almost all is forgiven she must come home, have the baby and tell her you will help her make a plan so she can finish her studies. This is ESSENTIAL !!! She will be cranky and you will have your fall outs, but you be the Hero and make it work. Explain to her, even thoigh she knows it all, that a person has to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Let her think about her " enjoyable"  moment and the consequences, she could have picked up a deadly disease for starters. Calm down and be the adult, she can' t because she is still a child !

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Ex wife &  ex mom | 2009-03-23

Thanks Lady Nina, these are wise words.

Reply to Ex wife &amp  ex mom
Posted by: Ex wife &  ex mom | 2009-03-23

Dear 2 cents'  worth,

I truly appreciate your advice, I think I just need a bit more time. You see, I was also a teenage mom, I know first hand what it' s like to make wrong decisions and I am seeing this child heading straight down the same path I was. She was always more than my little girl, she knew everything that I' ve been through, how I struggled to get an education part time, how I needed to work double hard to make a sucess out of my life, I think I just expected her to be more wise and use my life experiences as a mirror for her own. But she has made her choice, the boyfriend is so different to her, he doesn' t have a job, has no ambition, he can' t have a conversation with anyone else but his friends. Whereas she is a confident, hard working, wanna be something child. The boyfriends family forced marriage when the pregnancy story came out, she didn' t want to get married and she counted on me to fight these people, and believe me I did. Now she turns her back on the 1 person that will never fail her. Im extremely heart broken but because of my pride, I put up a don' t give a damn, it' s her life front. I know I am killing myself and refuse to let anyone see how Im hurting. :(

Reply to Ex wife &amp  ex mom
Posted by: lady nina | 2009-03-23

hi there

this is a terrible emotional time for everyone so you should not take everything to seriously

allow her to do what she wants and stay with the other family
as time goes by and the emotions are calming down
take this time to work on your own issues , address the feelings you have - cry.scream. shout. do whatever you need to in order to feel more positive about the future

once you feel beter and more positive about yourself - them reach out to the other with love

but first you need to forgive yourself for alot of things you feel you' ve done wrong - remember everyone does the best he can with what he has inside himself at the time be kind and gentle to yourself , you' ve doen the best under the cirmunstances

once you start healing you will be able to reach out to those around you with love and kindness

take care


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: My 2 cents'  worth | 2009-03-23

I think you overreacted a bit with the decision to cut your daughter and mother off because of this. Kids fall pregnant all the time, I know you feel like this is the end of it all because it' s your kid. But one day you' ll all look back at this, and with proper guidance from you, this child may make something of herself one day that you can still be proud of. I think it' s ok to go back to your mom, brother, and your daughter and tell them you' re just overwhelmed, didn' t know how to deal with this, and that you want them all in your life and you' ll do all you can, with their help, to help and support your daughter and that you still love her.

Reply to My 2 cents&#39  worth

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