Sad

Search health advice

Question

Posted by: sarah | 2012/11/15

Q. Sad

I enjoy being intamate with my husband. We are both 36yrs old. He has a very demanding and physical job and work late a lot. He has back problems because of his job, so bottom line is he is normally tired. I asked him a while back why we only have sex +-twice a week, sometimes less. He said 90% of the time he is not in the mood and dont feel like it. Naturally I thik it''s because of my weight and that he does not find me attractive. When we do have sex it lasts maybe 10 min if that long. About a week ago I caught him looking at naked ladies on his computer and playing with himself. I was devastated. He said he does not do it often and it''s because he wanted to get into the mood before coming to bed - he said he knew I wanted to be intamate and thats why he wanted to prepare. I am still very sad about it, because to me it feels as if he needs naked women on a computer screen to get in the mood, that I''m not good enough. He first watched porn when he was 8yrs old he says and suspects that has a lot to do with his behaviour. Is it just a normal thing men do and should I not worry so much about this...meaning that its not my fault and I should not worry too much about it? I feel betrayed and dont know how to handle this. I have now decided to loose weight (eventhough he says my weight is not an issue for him and he loves me the way I am) so I can look like a cheap woman that wears skimpy clothes.

Expert's Reply

A.

Sexologist

There may be a few things going on here that may be contributing to your husband's behaviour. It has been a shock for you to find your husband in that way and you mention you feel betrayed. It is important to know that once in a longer term relationship, it is not uncommon for couples to have intercourse about once or twice a week but you have also said that he is often not in the mood and that it usually last about 10 mins. You have mentioned that he has a very demanding and physical job and is usually tired. It could be that his lack of desire is due to the fact that he is very tired and over worked. Stress and fatigue can certainly affect his desire for sex. I would encourage him to go for a medical check-up. It may be that he has a medical cause for his lack of response. It would also be important to find out what his erectile function is like. Is it firm as sometimes there may be another sexual reason which then impacts on his response. It may be that the fact that he watched porn when young has affected his sexual arousal. I would recommend that he first rules out a medical problem for his response. Perhaps he needs to address his work stress and how to manage it. He says that he loves you the way you are, I do not feel that by loosing weight (unless better for health reasons) and wearing 'skimpy clothes' that make you feel 'cheap' will change his beaviour. It may be that you need to seek the help of a professional who can help you with this issue. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or person harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

user comments

Posted by: Irish | 2012/11/23

To think, I was confused a muinte ago.

Reply to Irish

Posted by: man | 2012/11/17

to Sarah: I want you to tell the truth, if or when you mastrubate ( and don''t tell me you don''t) about what do you think ? Do you think about your hubby or somebody els?

Reply to man

Posted by: BlackMack | 2012/11/16

Well Sarah I think that your husband will appreciate the effort you will put in on making your love life work (losing weight), naturally I think most ladies are very concerned about this (even though they don''t seems like that to their husband''s, reason I say this is that you might lose weight but still not gain your husband''s sexual desires, just make DOUBLE sure with him that that''s the problem) ... Well as for the porn, I think that your husband has no problem with it, what you should try do is compliment this by taking images (possibly erotic images/video''s) of yourself and send it to him, in this way he will be more exposed to images of you and will get it in his mind that he has a gorgeous, attractive and sexy women (waiting to fulfil his every desire) back home ... Don''t be scared to exposure yourself to him, show him that you can take thus initiative to grow your love life and do a LOT of teasing ....

Reply to BlackMack

Posted by: XXX | 2012/11/15

Firstly,not only " cheap women" wear skimpy clothes lol.It is not unnatural for a man or woman to watch porn (naked ladies in this case) BUT why not ask him to watch it together.This could enhance both of your sexual appetite''s.
When you say sex lasts only 10 minutes,does that include foreplay ! If you look for statistics on how long a man generally lasts,it is normally around 2 1/2 minutes.Obviously we all try to last much longer than that of course.
It is great to hear that you want sex more than twice a week,a lot of men would give anything to have that (most complain they don''t get anywhere near enough).
I think you should try experimenting with your partner,so both of you can feel more satisfied.

Reply to XXX