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Question
Posted by: Minerva | 2008-12-08

Rudeness vs Sanity

HI CS,

This is not a psychological question, but perhaps more of an etiquette question, but would appreciate your view on this matter.

Simply, my partner’ s family and I don’ t get along since the beginning of the year –  a great relationship destroyed overnight. It was an incident where they have admitted to my partner that they are at fault but prefer to refer to themselves as ‘ people that don’ t apologize’ .

The worst things were said and done to me but with the help of a psychologist, I was able to forgive them and move on –  but –  when it comes to family gatherings I prefer not to be involved.

To what extent, in your opinion, can I stay away from these gatherings before I become the ‘ rude girlfriend’ ? I always gladly entertain them at our home every couple of months, but do not go to them as it was once said that I wasn’ t welcome there.

Marriage is in the picture and I really wish for a great future –  including my future in-laws and his siblings –  but I also strongly believe that it is their turn to make some sort of effort.

Am I creating more trouble by not making an effort, even though they have never apologized?

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

C*bershrink is me ! Yesterday afternoon, stuck for a time at a mall, I popped into a Telkom store and logged in to try to respond to some messages while waiting, but couldn't enter via my usual Experts admin area. But for some strange reason, thopugh I wrote a BRILLIANT response to this one, the system absolkutely refused to post it. And now I have forgotten the brilliant answer, so this one will have to do.
How sad that these silly and vain people feel proud of "never apologising". But if there are other and less silly family members at the gathering, why not go along and talk with them, instead ? Otherwise, by staying away, you are giving poweer to the nasty few, and letting them control you and keep you away.
Don't expect them to apologise --- waiting or apologies from that sort of person is a waste of time. Just make them unimportant to you. And if they gove any further offense, cut them off from their excuse by saying something like " I know you find it awfully difficult to apologise, for some strange reason, so I won't expect one from you. Just try not to do this again", and then move on

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