Posted by: cally | 2009-03-18

respect = no passion?!

My bf has changed towards me since he has committed to me... he isn' t as passionate and wild as he used to be, and he rejects me whenever I show him that I want him.
I spoke to him about it yesterday, and he says that he loves me so much that he views wild passionate lovemaking as wrong and disrespectful. He says he often wants to just grab me and have his way with me, but that he sees it as having sex for the wrong reason...
I told him that I think that passion is necessary, that passion without love may not be lasting but that love and passion make a relationship more fulfilling and stronger...
I don' t know what to do. He says he' ll try, but I need him to love me physically as well as emotionally. I' m so hot for him and deeply in love, and I don' t know how to handle this. I try to accept it, but it' s been months now. Also I can' t masturbate, it feels wrong to me and I just can' t.
Please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It sounds like you are both struggling with unhelpful 'rules' which limit your sexual expression!

I think you have said all the right things, it's now up to him what he does with this. He may need to discuss this with a professional to try to overcome this block. One idea that sprung to mind, however, comes from an idea in Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity" - turn it on its head a little and play at being his prostitute - tell him you want R200 (or whatever) to give him a good quality blow job or something like that, or even having him watch you masturbate yourself (I know this sounds 'wrong', but this may not be true for you if it's in the context of sexual play with him)...the idea is to free him from his fear of disrespecting you...this could work, but maybe it's more complex than that.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: just me | 2009-03-18

I have to agree with striker, does sound like u suffer from cinderella syndrome... well, and ur bf, well he' s suffering committment-itis! (Quite typical amongst young men actually! once they make a committment, they CHANGE!)

He needs to know that there' s nothing wrong with cardinal lust and it is acceptable (provided both parties are open like that about their sexuality)...

Maybe u guys need to see a therapist to help him overcome his fear of committment as it obviously is affecting your sex life!

Reply to just me
Posted by: cally | 2009-03-18

Like I said, Striker, I appreciate your perspective, but believe me, it doesn' t apply. Perhaps my wording was not correct (i.e. the use of " demands"  instead of " sensual needs / desires"  )but I' m well able to analyse the situation, and believe me, my bf treats me like a precious treasure, and he generally has a wonderful, albiet rare these days, respect for women. Please don' t assume that you can intuit the truth of the situation from a few written forum lines. my bf is an amazing man, and maybe our relationship isn' t common these days, but I' d gladly devote myself to making him happy, and if it means nookie only twice a month in a sweetly conventional manner, then so be it. Thank you for your views, I do appreciate the effort and advice nontheless.

Reply to cally
Posted by: Striker | 2009-03-18

Cally I tried to give u an objective explanation. Read ur posting again, words like " demands"  " put u on a pedestal"  " the way he treats U"  Sound like Cinderella syndrome to me.

Reply to Striker
Posted by: cally | 2009-03-18

Hi Striker,
He and I are deeply in love, and he' s not the kind of guy who' ll paint pretty pictures. If his problem is that I' m too much, then he' ll tell me. He' s almost too honest that way. So I believe him when he tells me his reasons.
We both think the other is really sexy and attractive, and I don' t think I' m being unreasonable in my demands. I' ve been in a few serious relationships, and the passion hasn' t diminished once. My bf has complex morals and a deep respect for women. The way he treats me is almost as if he' s put me on a pedestal. I don' t think you understand the problem yourself, striker, although thank you for your perspective.

Reply to cally
Posted by: Striker | 2009-03-18

Cally after reading ur problem I dont really understand what ur problem is. I think what happened here is what typically happens in a relationship. U r still dreaming of him wanting u so badly that he will do anything to satisfy u. I think he changed his mind, u possibly r a bit 2 much for him and he realises it. I just think he had enough and need some space now. Think about it, do u really think that this type of love can last for 20 years?

Reply to Striker
Posted by: FD | 2009-03-18

Maybe you should both go for counselling so that he can learn to reconcile the idea of love with passion.

Reply to FD

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