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Question
Posted by: Upset &  Fustrated | 2012/09/24

Resistance to physical contact

Hi Doc

I''ve been married to a wonderful man for five years and we''ve been together for 7. For the first two years we had a great sex life - until I got a really bad bladder infection which made sex uncomfortable. We also relocated to Gauteng and then moved in with his parents so I felt uncomfortable having sex unmarried whilst living under their roof. I also felt that we could be interrupted at any time.

We moved into their flatlet a year later and still I felt we could get interrupted as his mom calls him often to help her with stuff so I felt that the fun and spontenaiety went out the window so we had to wait until late at night before attempting to make love. We''ve now been in our own home on a different property for a year and the sex life has gotten even worse. I feel like everytime he is loving toward me (he often touches my breasts or pelvic area) and it has started to feel like he is only wanting sex. I want to enjoy making love to him and expressing how much I do love him but I feel myself wanting to push him away and I don''t get aroused any more.

We''ve also been trying to conceive for four years (14 years ago I had an abortion due very painful and difficult circumstances and which I have regretted ever since and still feel the guilt and shame of this sin) - my therapist thinks that my sub-conscious is associating sex with falling pregnant and then pregnancy with abortion and that is why I dont want to have sex.

How can I start to re-ignite the passion and express my love for him again? This is really upsetting me as I am worried that he may eventually lose patience with me and my issues and decide its better to walk away. I know he loves me and it''s hurting both of us for me to have these issues that I don''t know how to resolve.

Advice please.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You're describing a recipe for damaged sexual and intimate relations that usually work well to have this undesirable result. And you have in a way gotten into a habit of not getting aroused, and maybe losing interest in sex, as it has been associated with problems and embarrassment so far.
And with such factors as the bladder infection adn the gynae problems, you have in some ways come to associate sex with pain and discomfort.
Seeing a marriage counsellor together could help you both to relax and enjoy all aspects of your relationship, including sex, far more.
Its not about "fixing" you, but about the pair of yopu working together, with proper expert advice and help, to fix something not currently workign well between you, which can do so.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Just Me | 2012/09/25

He''s doing the ''straight for the goods'' because he isn''t getting enough sex at all! When there''s any chance of it, he goes for first prize! Thats the answer...nothing more nothing less. It seems that you changed the recipe...NOT him! Can''t have sex because of this, or that or the next. Guys need physical contact. Sort out your head and the rest will fall back into place.

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: Upset &  Fustrated | 2012/09/25

@Pls Fix : I understand men are programmed to want sex from their wives, but why is it that guys want to go straight for " the goods"  (breasts and genitals) instead of a bit of cuddling and non-sexual intimacy? Men are aroused quicker - us ladies need time ... we cant just " go for it"  at the first instant. Can''t men also take a bit more time for us to enjoy the moment instead of feeling pressured that we must " put out" . Lovemaking is about that - its those tender moments of loving and then sharing the sexual intimacy.. not just a wham bam thank you mam. If both men and women could be understanding with each other and communicate properly then I think it would help

Reply to Upset &amp  Fustrated
Posted by: Upset | 2012/09/25

Thanks Pls Fix - I am 150% committed to doing whatever I need to do to get our sex life back on track. He is the love of my life and I don''t want to ruin our marriage.

Reply to Upset
Posted by: pls fix | 2012/09/25

hello , pls try everything you can to fix this. My wife had the same issues. I love her dearly and decided just to live with it. years and years went by until the one day i did the wrong thing and are in big trouble know. we do want sex from our wifes we are manufactured like that.

Reply to pls fix
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/25

You're describing a recipe for damaged sexual and intimate relations that usually work well to have this undesirable result. And you have in a way gotten into a habit of not getting aroused, and maybe losing interest in sex, as it has been associated with problems and embarrassment so far.
And with such factors as the bladder infection adn the gynae problems, you have in some ways come to associate sex with pain and discomfort.
Seeing a marriage counsellor together could help you both to relax and enjoy all aspects of your relationship, including sex, far more.
Its not about "fixing" you, but about the pair of yopu working together, with proper expert advice and help, to fix something not currently workign well between you, which can do so.

Reply to cybershrink

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