advertisement
Question
Posted by: upset | 2012/09/24

Resistance to physical contact

Hi there

I dont know if this is a question you can address or if I should take it up with cybershrink.

I have a wonderful loving husband to whom I''ve been married 5 years. For four of those years we have been unsuccessfully trying to conceive. We''ve been together 7 years and the first two years or so our sex life was great. I khow married couples do experience a decline in sex life and its quite normal, but my problem is I love my husband dearly but I feel like everytime he initiates contact he touches my breasts or my pelvic area and that he is wanting to make love. When he offers a massage he ends up touching my breasts or going up really high between my legs. I feel like his idea of pampering means that we end up making love. I feel like there is pressure on me to have an orgasm and to become aroused...
I told him this today and now I''ve hurt his feelings and I feel terrible... he is a great guy and deserves to have someone who can express their love properly. I feel like subconsciously I have put up emotional/physical walls and that anytime he wants to touch me I feel like I want to push him away.
Please advise me how I can re-ignite the passion?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

I don't think that you need the advice of a shrink to deal with this issue and it is one that we hear of quite frequently. It is difficult to advise when one has only a little information about your situation but you have said that you have been married for 5 years and know each other for 7 years, and that your sex life was initially good. You also mention that you have been trying to conceive for four years which is not an easy situation. You mention that you have a wonderful loving husband.

It seems that you are describing a decrease in your desire to have intercourse. To start with, it may be useful to know that during the first 6 months to first few years of a relationship, testosterone levels are higher in women. Testosterone is the hormone which causes libido or sexual desire. So when one is in a new relationship, one's libido may be higher and then this may decrease, which is natural experience. You have also mentioned that you are trying to conceive. As you will know, this can put pressure on your relationship and there is often focus on the need to conceive rather than on just enjoying being physically intimate. What is also important to know, is that men can become sexually aroused very quickly. Women take a lot longer to reach this level of arousal. It is common for women to feel that more time needs to be spent on general bodytouching before zooming in on the more sexual/sensitive areas eg. breasts/genital areas and that there is then pressure for intercourse when actually only being physically close would satisfy one's need. This can be very difficult to deal with and can cause a lot of distress and then perhaps avoidance of being close at all.

It is necessary to be able to communicate your feelings in a kind way to your husband. To be able to tell him that you do love him and need to be physically intimate but that it is not necessary on every occasion for you to have intercourse or for you to reach an orgasm to feel satisfied and loved. It may be necessary to explain that you love a massage but that he should not go straight to the genitals or breasts until you guide him there or are 'ready' and aroused. It may be necessary to for him to satisfy himself if he feels that he needs to climax and that intercourse for you at that time or everytime is not needed. This can take off the pressure so that you don't feel like avoiding any contact. It is also important to tune in to the touch and closeness and being together, without fearing that has to end in intercourse. If you can relax and enjoy being close sometimes it naturally ends that way eventhough initially you didn't think it would.

I hopethis helps. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru or for referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Honeysuckle | 2012/10/16

Thanks for shranig. What a pleasure to read!

Reply to Honeysuckle
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012/09/25

Hi. When a man massages a woman he will usually end up wanting to have sex. You say you love your husband yet you do not like it when he touches you and you want to push him away. Are you sure you love him or have you wandered off a bit and had some forbidden fruit? Just a question to find out if that is not the problem.

You also know that if you treat your husband this way he will some or other time look around at other oppertunities!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: sexologist | 2012/09/24

I don't think that you need the advice of a shrink to deal with this issue and it is one that we hear of quite frequently. It is difficult to advise when one has only a little information about your situation but you have said that you have been married for 5 years and know each other for 7 years, and that your sex life was initially good. You also mention that you have been trying to conceive for four years which is not an easy situation. You mention that you have a wonderful loving husband.

It seems that you are describing a decrease in your desire to have intercourse. To start with, it may be useful to know that during the first 6 months to first few years of a relationship, testosterone levels are higher in women. Testosterone is the hormone which causes libido or sexual desire. So when one is in a new relationship, one's libido may be higher and then this may decrease, which is natural experience. You have also mentioned that you are trying to conceive. As you will know, this can put pressure on your relationship and there is often focus on the need to conceive rather than on just enjoying being physically intimate. What is also important to know, is that men can become sexually aroused very quickly. Women take a lot longer to reach this level of arousal. It is common for women to feel that more time needs to be spent on general bodytouching before zooming in on the more sexual/sensitive areas eg. breasts/genital areas and that there is then pressure for intercourse when actually only being physically close would satisfy one's need. This can be very difficult to deal with and can cause a lot of distress and then perhaps avoidance of being close at all.

It is necessary to be able to communicate your feelings in a kind way to your husband. To be able to tell him that you do love him and need to be physically intimate but that it is not necessary on every occasion for you to have intercourse or for you to reach an orgasm to feel satisfied and loved. It may be necessary to explain that you love a massage but that he should not go straight to the genitals or breasts until you guide him there or are 'ready' and aroused. It may be necessary to for him to satisfy himself if he feels that he needs to climax and that intercourse for you at that time or everytime is not needed. This can take off the pressure so that you don't feel like avoiding any contact. It is also important to tune in to the touch and closeness and being together, without fearing that has to end in intercourse. If you can relax and enjoy being close sometimes it naturally ends that way eventhough initially you didn't think it would.

I hopethis helps. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru or for referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to sexologist

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement