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Question
Posted by: Me Again | 2010/01/12

Resentment

Hi Cs

I don’ t want to say it but I kind of feel a slight resentment to my parents.
Firstly my mother has always been a housewife, my father not too good a job and always a dreamer.
He hasn’ t really worked in 5 years but has attempted to start a couple of businesses in that time, all of which have failed because
Well he allows people to use him, ends up giving everything away, borrows and never gets back, goes out of his way for pathetic losers.
He just does not get that this is not for him.
He is 45, still young but because of being home all this time actually looks old and is now too lazy to get his-|-back to providing for his family.
He also has some mental issues I think, so then I think its also best that he just stay his unfit self at home.

Good thing is he fixes everything around the house, picks the kids up from school and takes them(my sisters).
He has a small business thing going but the other thing is he has taken to turning our place into a zoo.
We have every sort of animal at our place. With the money he makes he buys more pets, pet food, just pet products.
When I mention that his kids also need to eat he gets upset and wants to kill himself and everyone else.
Now I’ m planning on getting married but how on earth do I do this if I have to support them all?
I have decided that I’ m not having a wedding because money is tight and I cant picture spending all that money on a wedding when my family is there with nothing.
Besides the fact I havnt even started saving yet. The reason…  because of them I am in debt and focusing on clearing that first.

Now back to my feelings of resentment, I just wonder why!!!!!
Why did I have to have parents that do not work.
My friends have always just worked for themselves and then still borrow from their parents to make it through the month, some of them earning much more than me.
Their parents paid for their studies ( at that point my father stopped working) bought them their first car etc etc and here I am struggling to hold their heads above water.
Not only that but then they criticize the things I do, the person that I chose to be with and most everything.
I feel guilty feeling the way I do but I’ m wondering what I’ m going to do when I get married… 
I wont be able to look after them and have a life of my own too. This is what my fiancé  and I are discussing right now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't see why you should have to support the family if your father is just too lazy to do so, and chooses to spend more on his hobbies and pets than on his children.

His attitude to his supposed illness is, of course, ridiculous if he thinks he could be seriously ill ( which may be his excuse for not bothering to get work ) he needs to see a doctor, and would not possibly live longer for avoiding treatment - but by avoiding diagnosis, he can continue to live a lie.

Have you discussed all of this with your mother ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me Again | 2010/01/13

Thanks guys!
Bosson I would so love to do exactly what you done but I see it as impossib e. The reason for me is that I would not be able to move and give them money for food etc.So for me its either I stay and help them or move and what happens to them... I cant do that but I also cant see myself living at home until they finish school and never getting my own life started.

Reply to Me Again
Posted by: Blossom | 2010/01/13

It is very hard I understand exactly what you are going through. I had the same problem. Had a stepdad who was lazy and smoked pot all day, and a mother who was so insecure that she couldnt leave him for good. She worked on and off and I felt obligated to help with my two stepbrothers who were still in primary school when I started working. So for the first few years of my working life, I gave all my money toward food, clothing rent etc. I couldnt bear to leave and live my life leaving them hungry and roofless. Its very difficult.
What I did do eventually, was move out any way and buy clothing for the boys and give my mother some groceries. The situation never changed, my stepdad died of AIDS and infected my mother who died of AIds too, leaving the boys aged 16 and 18 behind. I took the 16 year old in and today they are adults. Sometimes you cant control things, you can only do your best without sacrficing yourself in the process. Your life is still ahead of you, invest in your education even further and put a few rands away coz who will be there for you if you need help? Your dad sounds incapable of being accountable and your mom needs to find a part time job at least.

Reply to Blossom
Posted by: Woman | 2010/01/12

1) If you tell social services that they have all their needs met by you, they will investigate
2) If there are more than 5 animals on the property, coupled with a social services visit, the SPCA will come

Please don' t think that you are alone. If you speak to a social worker, they will most definitely investigate. Tell them about the suicide threats and his animal collection. These, by themselves are great cause for concern.

If push comes to shove, move to a different city/ town. You are a young person,. with all your life ahead of you. You should not need to support a family of 5! It is ridiculous.

I wish I could have a word with your dad, really I do. *grrr*

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Me Again | 2010/01/12

Thanks for your reply women.
The thing is I dont think social servisec would do anything about this. My sisters are well looked after, the house is clean, they have most everything they need and thats because I go without.
I was told that he cannot be forced to see a dr. or to get his mental state tested.
The animal get 5star treatment, they live in the lap of luxury to be honest and he cleans all there homes on a daily basis so the SPCA would lagh at me if I called them in.
That' s just it, I wish I could live my own life without worrying about my family and money money money!

Reply to Me Again
Posted by: Woman | 2010/01/12

I' m sorry to hear about your troubles. What worries me about you situation, is that you say you have two younger siblings?Your father is definitely mentally unstable. Call social services on him! They will come in and do an assessment and refer him for a psychiatric assessment. Also call the SPCA to take care of the animals. It sounds harsh, I know, but you have your own life to worry about, and you must do what is best for your sisters.

good luck!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Me Again | 2010/01/12

Also forgot to mention that he has health problems, he has diagnosed himself and said he has cancer ( I think mostly feeling sorry for himself) but def. there is something medically wrong with him but he refuses to go to see a dr. to see what the real problem is.
He says if he goes to the Dr. they will tell him he has cancer, you go home and all of a sudden all the ailments start to show, you suffer and die soon after. So he might aswell not go and live longer and just die suddenly.

Who does he think has to look after his kids!!!
He so does not think that he is respnsible for looking after them.
He feels more responsible for his pets than his kids.

Reply to Me Again
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/12

I don't see why you should have to support the family if your father is just too lazy to do so, and chooses to spend more on his hobbies and pets than on his children.

His attitude to his supposed illness is, of course, ridiculous if he thinks he could be seriously ill ( which may be his excuse for not bothering to get work ) he needs to see a doctor, and would not possibly live longer for avoiding treatment - but by avoiding diagnosis, he can continue to live a lie.

Have you discussed all of this with your mother ?

Reply to cybershrink

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