Posted by: Desparate wife! | 2009-03-09

Re:Post1049 Husbands anger!

Mmm.the problem is his is in a warzone in the middele east,no counselling there.
Thanks for telling me its not my fault,because i was beginning to think that i`m the cause of him getting angry for nothing.Maybe instigating without knowing?!
Anyway,ok, h`s secret life(from what he told me and waht i discovered in a book i found):he grew up without his dad.He started to think that it was better being a girl,getting much more stuff right,attention and so on.He then at a young age started putting on girls or womens clothing.I also found samples of wigs.He did this up until basically as i can see to the age of 27.Because i found,it wasnt hided away,a driverslicense fake with him with long womens hair and that dated 1998!In the book (wich was also dated)he wanted to go to London for hormone pills and he wanted to go for a operation.Lots of stuff he wrote down,when i decided and confronted him,after i`ve seen my local church (dominee).He cried a lot and said its in his past and doesnt feel that way anywmore.Then 2 years later when our son was 3 mnths old,i one day clean the study and some papers fell out of his open bag which he took to work.when i picked it up my eye catched a sentence or to.Short story,it was about a boy dressed as a girl going to visit older men.Its like a book,binded.Looked like he printed it out.For a year i stopped all intimacy,thought of devorcing him and so on.He was just thingking that i was too tired to do anything.Anyway finally i wrote him a letter and told him how i felt.He wrote me a long letter back.Saying that yes he knows how it feels dressed up as a women.But has stopped that a long time ago,but the stuff he gets on the internet is more difficult to stop.And that he loves us,and all he wants is to be a good father and a good husband.Since then i havent seen anything to that regard.( ihave no excess to his laptop,he has passwords on and when i want toi check mail,he opens a account on his laptop just for me!(i have my own PC at home!Things between us started getting better,mostly because i tried to forgive him for braking my trust and to live with what i knew!.We had out little girl then.But he is getting angrier,worked up everytime he comes home.I did not know him like this in the first 2-3 years of out marraigeWe are married this 6 years this year.
!I just dont know how to react or what to do anymore.I try to talk just about everyday non essencial stuff,so that theres no room for getting angry.But this is no married life,we should be able to discuss stuff wothout getting angry and taking everything so personal.
So to sum up.
He grew up without his dad,he is an only child,he has this secret past( i cant say if he stopped everything comp-letely,i have to trust him on this.)He is angry at everything and everyone,its always something or someone elses fault that he has difficulties in life.And his mom is very depended on him!
How should i handle this.He will freak out if i tell him that i told our local church leader about his secret.But i was falling apart,i had to speak to some-one ,when i first discovered it.
Please give me some clarity about his anger.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh, in the mid-east mass counselling is needed, but I understand what you say.
If you're always around when the anger flares up, it's natural to feel you may be causing it ( thouh of course, you by definition don't get to see the anger when you]re no around ) --- though if there's a lot of lightning around, we generally don't consider that we personally are causing it, but recognize it as related to larger weather issues.
As for the Secret. Cross-dresing, espeially among basially heterosexual males, is far more common than most people think ; moving towards a sex-change is less common, but also arises more than people realize. I hope he is cautious, both in person and online while in the Middle East, where they are as kinky as anyone, but far less tolerant, and in even more unpleasant ways.
I suspect much of his anger dervies from anger with himself about dealing with his contradictory impulses and trying to keep his old skeletons buried. Marriage counselling would help the pair of you, but I understand with his unavailability that's difficult. Personal counselling would certiainly help you, and maybe theat's practical at this time. As for him seeing a shrink --- is his post abroad long-term or open-ended, or will it end soon ? If the latter, it might be practical to speak gently to him in a well-chosen moment ( especially if you can refer to how much i has helped you ) about counselling / psychotherapy.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phew ! | 2009-03-10

Sorry to hear about your problems girl. This is a very strange one for me. Normally I can come up with something, but here, I just don' t know. I would say that he has plenty to be angry about. It would seem that he is caught between to seperate personalities, male and female and cannot help himself to decide where he belongs. I do not believe that with a problem this size that one can do it on ones own and I would suggest a good shrink who would be able to direct him in one specific direction and help him decide what he wants to be. Did he give any indication of his secret type life when you were dating ? Maybe you saw it and chose to ignore it, hoping it would go away ? Anyway hope it works out, get him to see the shrink, he owes it to you and to himself.

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