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Question
Posted by: Milly | 2011/05/02

Reliving his dad

We have had a terribly dysfunctional child hood. when my mother married my stepfather, my two step brot hers were born. He was a terrible husband and father, he beat my mother, didnt work, used pot/dagga and drugs, he drank and was getting fired and ended up in prison several times. I hated him with a passion and tried to get my mother to leave him, only for her to return to him, take him back. She would then turn on me saying I was a bad person for trying to make her leave him etc. He eventually gave her AIDS and she died two years after him. The two boys, the youngest who was 16 at the time lived with me after her death for a few months and left my house stating I had too many rules and boundaries. I later found out that he had been bunking school, using pot, drugs etdc. I tried love, hugging, talking, shouting etc. He went to stay with his fathers parents who seemingly allowed him to do as he pleases. today, at the age of 26 he has grade 9, no skills or training goes on drinking binges, still uses drugs etc. My husband has, out of pity, given him a job to support his 4 year old son. His girlfriend is due to have another baby soon. The worst thing is , he is repeating all the things his father did. I have sent him for counselling, but he doesnt go. He lies to us and says all is ok. His girlfried phones me in tears and says he fights with her, drinks, does drugs, sells things in the house for drugs etc. I have tried everything with this boy. He does not listen. He seems attracted to this lifestyle and refuses to stop. I feel sorry for the girlfriend and baby. I have told her to leave him, but she takes him back. What can i do to make him understand? We have had plenty of discussions, pep talks, I have helped him countless times financially and have now refused to give any more money to him. Its like looking at a rewind of a bad movie only his father is replaced by him!! I fear for his life, but am also tired of the same thing repeating itself.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, you had a disgracefully dreadful, careless, unloving and selfish father. You owe him nothing whatsoever. Sasly, your mother persisted in unrealistic hopes for him, which eventually killed her.
The boys, living with a dreadful father like that, and a mother who taight them to accept every irresponsible thing the father did, accidentally taught them that they could and should live selfishly and irresponsibly, like their dad.
It's understandable that you have tried to help this brother, but he clearly doesn't appreciate it. That another woman with more hope than sense has chosen to have children with him is very sad. But helping thr kids by giving money or indeed anything to him, is no help to them. Maybe they'd be better off if Child Welfare became involved and saw that they had a chance of living with people who would care for them properly.
When the gf calls, tell her she should see welfare and gt help for herself and the kids, and stop expecting that miraculously he will stop being selfish and become a fit parent. As with your mother, she apparently does not want to face facts, but if so she should not expect other people to pay to enable her to remain foolish and irresponsible, and to damage her kids. You will not succeed in persuading him to see the light.
Consider getting child welfare involved in protecting the kids, and let him and the unfortunately self-deluded woman care for each other. The moeny you give him, as you seem to have recognised, only supports his bad habits, and discourages any good conduct
Whatever misfortune befalls him is his own making, and not your fault.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/03

Treat him just as an employee.
You would not take begging calls from your other emplyees partners!
If he does not perform fire him like any one else.
You have done all you can and need to move on - this is a hopless case - concentrate on your hubby and kids.
Once you have reported the childs issues to welfare give yourself permission to NOT own this problem.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Maria | 2011/05/03

He is an adult, and you cannot force him to change his ways. It sounds as if you had tried everything that could reasonably be expected of you, and gone way beyond. His girlfriend is a fool to have two kids with such a loser. If you really feel you want to support her, tell her that if she leaves him you will help her financially for a certain period of time. Then haul him into maintenance court and make him pay to support his kids. I don''t think there is anything else that you can do, and you can wash your hands of him with a clear conscience.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/03

OK, you had a disgracefully dreadful, careless, unloving and selfish father. You owe him nothing whatsoever. Sasly, your mother persisted in unrealistic hopes for him, which eventually killed her.
The boys, living with a dreadful father like that, and a mother who taight them to accept every irresponsible thing the father did, accidentally taught them that they could and should live selfishly and irresponsibly, like their dad.
It's understandable that you have tried to help this brother, but he clearly doesn't appreciate it. That another woman with more hope than sense has chosen to have children with him is very sad. But helping thr kids by giving money or indeed anything to him, is no help to them. Maybe they'd be better off if Child Welfare became involved and saw that they had a chance of living with people who would care for them properly.
When the gf calls, tell her she should see welfare and gt help for herself and the kids, and stop expecting that miraculously he will stop being selfish and become a fit parent. As with your mother, she apparently does not want to face facts, but if so she should not expect other people to pay to enable her to remain foolish and irresponsible, and to damage her kids. You will not succeed in persuading him to see the light.
Consider getting child welfare involved in protecting the kids, and let him and the unfortunately self-deluded woman care for each other. The moeny you give him, as you seem to have recognised, only supports his bad habits, and discourages any good conduct
Whatever misfortune befalls him is his own making, and not your fault.

Reply to cybershrink

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