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Question
Posted by: Tisa | 2011/09/29

relentless character assassination -why?

What do I do about a guy I slept with 16 yrs ago (and chose not to either sleep with again or develop a relationship with despite him pressing me for years after), who now seems to be seeking revenge in mindless character assasination?

Every time I meet a new guy, somehow this guy from 16 yrs ago finds out a way to get to know the new man in my life, and tells him I am the biggest tramp in town. He will tell the guy I am only after money, am a stupid low-life and will never amount to anything. He issues a warning so passionate, everyone who hears it gets alarmed. I don’ t know with what sort of conviction he says it but every guy I am seeing then comes to me very concerned and asks what I have done to have someone talk about me using such vitriol.

I have tried to ignore it –  reacting will only egg him on –  but now that yet another person is backing off I have grown weary of this. Why would a guy do this? Just because I didn’ t sleep with him again? That was in 1996 for goodness sake. To make things even more ridiculous, the guy is now married (to someone who oddly looks so much like me). Just last month, he went up to a guy I had started seeing and told him I am Southern Africa’ s biggest vamp and he shd stay away from me. Rightly, the guy sat me down and asked me why someone would come and tell him that –  esp when I don’ t come across as that way at all. What works against me is that this guy who insists on assasinating my character is a very well-known figure in corporate finance circles, a very big name. Everyone instantly believes a man with such power who lives in a R35m house (he does) must speak the truth –  after all what would he gain from lying? Guys I am seeing always ask me ‘ but what does he have against you?’ . I do have an answer but it would sound ludicrous - ‘ I didn’ t sleep with him again after our 1996 episode’ . What kind of explanation is that? It doesn’ t fit the intensity of his apparent hatred for me.

I don’ t understand what this guy stands to gain from trashing my name and why since 1996, he is determined to stop any guy from liking me or getting close to me. He tracks every guy down, whether or not he knows him. If he does know him, he asks how the s*x was with me. What gets me is that he is still doing this despite now being married. I never see him around and have no desire to contact him –  last time I saw him was at a party five years ago and he tried to force me into one of the bedrooms with him. I have no desire to see or speak to this person. What do I do, just continue to ignore him? Shd I warn every guy I meet that sooner or later some well-dressed multimillionaire will come up and tell him I am a piece of trash - but he shd ignore it? Who issues an advisory like that to every guy she meets?

What I want to do is just get on with my life. Should I put this guy in his place by just excelling in life and continuing to be the good person I am? His 16yr vendetta is wearing me down psychologically. Where does he find the time for this –  and why does he do it at all?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like stalking, as well as defamation, and possibly other offenses. Consult a good lawyer, and het a court early on to issue a restraining order against him, forbiding him from harrassing you or your friends in any way, or he goes to jail. It hardly matters WHY he does this, he's not allowed to do so and must be stopped officially from doing so. But make sure you gather relavant evidence for use in court. Your lawyer can advise on the best way to do that.


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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Duh | 2011/09/30

Observer, she was making a statement about how much power he has- that he could make a crazy story like being raped by her in a hotel seem real enough to prosecute her...

Reply to Duh
Posted by: Observer | 2011/09/30

The idea of be friending his wife is plain daft!
Please see a lawyer about your options - usually one lawyers letter sorts this out , especially if you have evidence from all your exes that he has dissed you.
Did you really rape him in a hotel last week end? if you did l can see a problem in resolving this.

Reply to Observer
Posted by: Tisa | 2011/09/30

Friends, this is all excellent advice, thank you. I even like the idea of him experiencing an ''unfortunate incident'' on the corner of Justice Street and Revenge Avenue :)

However I think where it will hurt most is anything to do with his powerful status or his marriage. I doubt I can stick it to him in the courts - he is a global partner in a world-renowned corporate firm and could probably hire the kind of lawyers who would prove I raped him at the Saxon Hotel last weekend. However as regards my twin (his wife), I will gently make her aware she is married to a quack. I don''t think I will actually say it....my plan is to befriend the woman, until she and him are arguing night and day over what sort of person I am. Nothing, but nothing will frustrate him more than if the very person he lives with keeps talking about me and saying what a sweetheart I am :) It''ll be worse than setting a woodpecker on his loins. It''s not nice to cause division in a household but as Halley said, after 16 yrs shd I be a darling about this?

Reply to Tisa
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/30

Sounds like stalking, as well as defamation, and possibly other offenses. Consult a good lawyer, and het a court early on to issue a restraining order against him, forbiding him from harrassing you or your friends in any way, or he goes to jail. It hardly matters WHY he does this, he's not allowed to do so and must be stopped officially from doing so. But make sure you gather relavant evidence for use in court. Your lawyer can advise on the best way to do that.


Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Rough Justice | 2011/09/29

A creature like this will respond to and really needs a bit of street justice if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. Problem solved, guaranteed.

Reply to Rough Justice
Posted by: Liza | 2011/09/29

My goodness. Sue the idiot. You could even get a restraining order! Before you do however, you have to get evidence that would hold up in court. That means you can''t just say that previous love interests have told you he''s doing this. If a previous love interest can give the evidence himself, that would be great.

You could also try to get it on tape. Just be very careful here however. If you get someone to pretend to be your boyfriend, don''t get the pretend boyfriend to contact him. He has to be the one to approach the ''boyfriend'' or he can cry foul and say he was entrapped. If he is the one doing the approaching, he can''t say that!

I also like Halley''s idea of letting his wife know about this. His sour grapes shouldn''t be allowed to affect your life...

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Halley | 2011/09/29

Sue him for defamation of character and character assassination. If he somehow wrangles his way out of that (being so rich, they somehow manage to do that), then an eye for an eye. Tell his wife that he has an unhealthy obsession with you, and can she please control her man. Explain the whole thing to her if you must, but yeah. Desperate times call for desperate measures. 16 years is too long to give him any chance or any break- hit him where it hurts.

Reply to Halley

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