Posted by: Guilty or not | 2009-02-20

Relationships: How do I handle this new

How do I handle this new situation. We have a couple (great friends), she has come to stay with us for this week. Her partner is very insecure (like I am) and she is like my partner (normal-not giving any signs of being horrible) there are just certains things she cannot tell him, as then he freaks out and it really is for nothing, cause I have seen it, so I also understand my partner a lot from hearing her side of things. Anyway last night she decided she was going to go out and meet up with some other friends, I cannot stop her, but she said she will not be able to tell her partner as he will freak out (which I understand - cause even though all is innocent, I would have done the same if it was my partner). I told her I will leave the key for her, maybe she should just go for an hour. So off she went. We woke this morning to find she did not come back, obviously decided to just stay with these friends. My dilemna now is that my partner is pissed off (cause now he is put in a positions with her partner if he asks anything) but now I am getting the blame. He says " oh your friend didn' t come home"  oh so while the cats away the mouse will play"  He is making out like it is my fault. Meantime I said to him "  well it makes it worse for me actually because her partner is insecure like me, now she has to keep secrets, so I am thinking this is maybe what you do"  - Now it has ended in an argument and I have done absolutely nothing! I am pissed off with her - Do I tell her exactly what happened? What do I say to my partner?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why are you allowing her to torment her partner, and to involve you in deception ? If she is at all serious about this "partnership" going off secrely and slepnding the night away is inexplicable. If she chooses to lie to her partner, that is her choice, even if a bad one . But she is NOT entitled to expect you or your partner to lie to him.
SHe doesn't "have to keep secrets" --- she chooses to do so, and her partner apparently has every reason to feel insecure about her. She sounds very irresponsible, and blamingi everyone but herself for the choices she makes.
Tell her you cannot and will not lie for her, nor help her to cheat or deceive her partner, and neither of you will do that. And tell your partner that you agree with him, and say what you have told her.
Going out with her stepbrother didn;t require her to stay out all night.
And consider relationship counselling for yourself and your partner --- the other couple may be beyond such help at this stage.
And don't attack Anon or other readers who are being frank and helpful, merely because you don't like what they think. And don't add that your relationship is nobody's business --- you chose to include the nature of your relationship within the core of your question.
And the fact that this deceitful woman has been a friend of yours, doesn'tmean you are compelled to defend everything she does, or to obey her every command. That is NOT what friends are for. Friends are there to advise their pals when they are being cruel or unwise.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cheeky devil ! | 2009-02-20

I am amazed at the way you have lashed out at people making a comment. I don' t think we are weird at all. As far as I can see no one has BLAMED you for anything. Mostly people just warned you off your so called friend who used and abused you as it seems that you have not come to realise that yet. But, hey do what you feel is right and hope that it does not come back to bite you.

Reply to Cheeky devil !
Posted by: Guilty or not | 2009-02-20

Thanks CS, the whole question was why am I getting the blame when I have done nothing wrong - and it looks like everything went out of proportion here.
I apologize did not mean to attack but they attacked first - anyway like I said I am not here for there advice I am here for yours.

Reply to Guilty or not
Posted by: Guilty or not | 2009-02-20

Really, thanks for those kind words. Yup I know my man cares deeply for me and I for him otherwise we wouldn' t still be together.

Reply to Guilty or not
Posted by: Guilty or not | 2009-02-20

You guys are so funny -my relationship is actually got nothing to do with any of you - I am here for answers from cybershrink. Sure it may be my fault - i am very insecure - i am not perfect - but then again nobody is. I value my partner very much, that is why I was at home in bed with him and always am every night. I am defending my friend, because she is just that my friend, and that is what friends are for. Just because I am defending her does not mean that I agree with what she has done, I think what she has done is very wrong and I am extremely pissed off with her and she will know it. And just for your info - I did not start the argument. Hope you all have a wonderful day - I know I will as i know I have done nothing wrong.

Reply to Guilty or not
Posted by: Really | 2009-02-20

Guilty or not, relax, don' t allow low minded individuals to ruin your day... some people get a weired high from upsetting others and I am sure that is what others are up to.

It' s Friday, pay attention to what constructive responses are advicing and ignore the others. You seem to be in a good relationship and your man seems like he cares about you and the well being of your friends....... and sure you would do the same if roles were reversed.

All the best.

Reply to Really
Posted by: Um | 2009-02-20

You are asking for advice on how to handle this new situation. Honestly, I have been reading your posts and I think you' re a drama queen. Your relationship is a mess and I think it' s mostly your fault, if you really valued your partner you would stop your nonsense and consentrate on fixing yourself so he could have a partner to value rather than bringing more issues into the relationship. Obviously with you defending your friend and her actions, gives the message to your partner that you still have not learned your lesson (re past dissapointment). Your friend was wrong!!! but obviously you are not going to admit it, because you keep defending her actions after YOU asked for advice on how to handle the situation, you' re even making excuses on her behalf?? Your partner will eventually get fed up with you, because it seems your favourite pass time is to argue over nonsense. Grow up..

You are entitled to be offended by my post, but in all honesty someone had to say it.

Reply to Um
Posted by: Guilty or not | 2009-02-20

ANON, you obviously have not read the question properly. I am not looking and comparing - merely stating that there are the same kind of people. Duh I am facing the fact otherwise I would not be asking for advice - and that is what I am doing asking for advice not answers. What would life be without drama anyway - boring.
Anyway I am busy fixing and using all my energy on my relationship, why do you think that this situation is a problem now and I am trying to work it out. Thanks for your kinds words, here are some for you F.... YOU. Please do not bother to answer any of my further questions, as I am not here for your analysis, but for the actual expert. You obviously have problems of your own - so what are you doing on this Forum

Reply to Guilty or not
Posted by: Guily or not | 2009-02-20

She is here for the week on business and he is in another city. I am trying to understand, because I know what he is like and she actually went out with her step brother and his wife. It is a long story which obviously you all do not understand. Even when they are out together, she is in trouble if she does not give him her undivided attention.

Reply to Guily or not
Posted by: anon | 2009-02-20

Might I suggest that you stop looking at other relationships and drawing comparisons with your own and then allowing them to interfere with your already problematic relationship. Why not just face the fact that you have problems in your relationship and start pouring your energy into sorting them out and not worrying about others and how to handle their relationships and the consequences of their problems on yours. Get yourself into individual counseeling and perhaps also try couples counselling with your hausband. Seriously now, enough with all this drama. If you want to fix tyour relationship you need to actually do something about it. The answers to your problems will not be found on this forum. Good luck.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Sarah | 2009-02-20

If your friend has a partner, why would she go out without him....maybe keeping other options open and now got you in trouble while she went out doing who knows what? She must decide whether she wants to be in an HONEST relationship and 100% committed to her parther or if she wants to be single, go out and stay away. She cant expect anyone to take responsibility for her actions and remember by helping her hide the truth from her partner is kind of making you a partner in crime dont you think?

Reply to Sarah

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