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Question
Posted by: Hestia | 2011-05-23

Relationships

Hi. This is more a request for advice. So here it goes. I met this guy about a year and a half ago. He then just got divorced from his wife. They have a little boy together. The whole day he just talked about his ex and how much it hurt him. And how it was unexpected because they were planning to have another child. This weekend we got together with the same friends again and he was there. He did tell the friends that he is over his ex and ready to move on. According to them he is interested in me.
The problem is that I am not sure if this is just a sex thing as I know it has been quite a while for him.
The problem is that I do not believe in sex before being married. Now I am not sure if I should wait and see how things go and then discuss it with him. Or should I mention this from the word go so I know we are not waisting each others time. I just feel ackward discussing something like sex with someone I just met?
I already get the feeling that he is moving too fast I am not sure if I am just getting scared to get into this relationship.
When is the best to discuss things like this?
At this stage I am just taking one day at a time. I just really do not like the feeling of being pushed.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If you try to start a relationship with, or simply pay attention to, someone who is just newly divorced / separated, that's how it goes. Good people don't just immediately switch off their relationship with someone else, and it takes time and hard work to work through the separating.
Now, you've just met him again, after quite a while. It's really too soon for either of you to be thinking of sex, as you still need to get to know each other and see if there is anything else potentially in a relationship. Remember wooing ?
You could simply and calmly say to him that at this stage you're not yet looking for a sexual or intimate relationship, but that you'd feel fine about getting to know him socially, and seeing how the pair of you get along. That's not "discussing sex" but just clarifying how you currently feel and what you want. He's free to accept or politely decline your boundaries.
Its interesting and probably relevant if you are feeling you're being pushed, if this feeling is based on how he has been behaving towarsds you, rather than purely on your own gloomy expectations or interpretations

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011-05-24

Nope....too much baggage. Move on, find another guy.
The wife and the child will always be number one in his life.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-23

If you try to start a relationship with, or simply pay attention to, someone who is just newly divorced / separated, that's how it goes. Good people don't just immediately switch off their relationship with someone else, and it takes time and hard work to work through the separating.
Now, you've just met him again, after quite a while. It's really too soon for either of you to be thinking of sex, as you still need to get to know each other and see if there is anything else potentially in a relationship. Remember wooing ?
You could simply and calmly say to him that at this stage you're not yet looking for a sexual or intimate relationship, but that you'd feel fine about getting to know him socially, and seeing how the pair of you get along. That's not "discussing sex" but just clarifying how you currently feel and what you want. He's free to accept or politely decline your boundaries.
Its interesting and probably relevant if you are feeling you're being pushed, if this feeling is based on how he has been behaving towarsds you, rather than purely on your own gloomy expectations or interpretations

Reply to cybershrink

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