Posted by: Me again! | 2009-07-14


I wrote to you a while ago about my husbands anger problems,and that he worked in the middle east and so on...
Anyway he went for therapy and his anger got a lot better,although he still have some bad days.I also went to see the therapist,because i have trust issues with this man,he lied to me before about his past and about money.I went alone for 1 session.
Anyway the 2 or 3 sessions we went together i got the feeling that i was the bad guy in the picture.So much so that i did not want to go anymore,but went felt to me that if he said something to her,she beleived him without even asking me if there was a reason behind my saying or doing something.i tried to explain it to her why i do or say stuff,but she thought i was bossy!Some info: my hubby never wants to make a choice in where we go or what we do if we go somewhere,he always asks me,what i want to do,and sometimes i just feel like he is the man in the house he can just say " lets go to the spur or whatever" .So he tells her i never want to do what he wants to do,and always says no,which is really not the case.And i told the therapist when i say no,theres alwways a reason behind the no!Like its too cold for the kids to go do something,they are both under 4,and if the wind is blowing or very cold i dont want to go with them.Or i dont want to braai if the weather is nasty outside,i cant sit with him and i dont want the kids to play outside then.
So he just told her about this and told her i never want to braai or go somewhere he wants to go!She just turned it around and told me very nicely ,but i must consider my husband and do stuff with him,and then she asked him if it feels to him if i sound bossy to him if i say this???!!?!?!?!
I mean there is 2 in a marriage and we have 2 LO`s to consider wherever we want to go!!!
Why do i feel guilty and that lost of the stuff is my fault,and my " houding"  is causing him to be upset about small stuff in general.Is it because he was the therapist main and first patient that she wants to take only his perspective in consideration?
Am i being silly.You said before that i should never feel its my fault that he gets so angry over meaningless small stuff and treats me and the kids like dirt.And i took it to hart!i was very releived actually!Now i feel bad again.

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Our expert says:
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Its easy for a therapist, even without realizing it, to tend to take the side of the person they are mainly seeing, simply through knowing him better. But she ought to be even-handed and check out how your view of things matches his. YOu should have told her exactly what you have told us here, and emphasize that while you do think of what your husband wants to do, you also expect him to think of your concerns, and especially what best suits the children, as well. For him to expect you to always go along with his suggestions is just another way of being bosy. Its not your fault, by assuming almost everything to be your fault has probably become rather a habit with you. And habits take a while to break. There are problems in the Middle East and with North Korean and Iran, and none of them are your fault, either

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