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Question
Posted by: Guilty or not | 2009-02-16

Relationships

Hi, been together for 10 +years - As soon as an argument starts, my partner(he) likes to bring all our past history (where I hurt him I have been bad etc,,,,,,) every time, I am sick of feeling guilty. So they only way this does not happen as long as I keep quiet, keep things to myself. I feel this is not fair. It seems to me everytime I try to blame him for something he is passing the buck and then reminds me of what I have done. What can I do? Do I just keep quiet. Last week I was so angry I felt that if I could I would just leave him, but I do not want to do that to our children. I try so hard to forget the past- I get depressed when these arguments happen. I get so low I feel I have no purpose in life, I really do sometimes wonder why I am really here! How do I stop him from bringing up our past (mine all bad)?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some people, male and female, collect hurts and grievances like other people collect stamps. And when upset, they draw out their album, and remind you of each matter, hurtful or petty. Maybe, though, you could usefully alter your technique/ You speak of "every time I try to BLAME him for something" --- why does it have to be a blame game ? You blame him, so he digs out something to blame you for, and off it goes. Rather, firstly, if the matter really isnt important, drop it and ignore it. If it is significant, then rather ask him to join you in discussing the probem ( NOT assigning blame for it ) and explore how it might be prevented from happening again, what each of you might to do prevent it. Not a discussion of "You did that !", but more of "When this arises again, I could do this, if you would do that". <br>And try reversing his process, by having a collection of Good times you both had, and in a calm time, bring up GOOD things from the past, maybe starting with some where he can feel proud and appreciated, and thus luring him into the habit of using the past as a source of good feelings rather than bad excuses

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Guiilty or not | 2009-02-17

Thank you Cybershrink, excellent, I had not thought of that.

Thank you tell him -

Reply to Guiilty or not
Posted by: tell him | 2009-02-16

tell him to read the bible and the definition of love thats in there (1Corinthians 13):

" love does not keep a record of wrongs!" 

Reply to tell him

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