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Posted by: Zara K | 2012/10/31

Relationship with married man - how to forgive myself and overcome the depression and insecurities?

I am a single woman. For the past 4 years I have been involved with a married man. Please nobody judge me for this. I did not do it to hurt anyone or to steal him from his wife or anything of the sort. I dont actually know how it happened, or why I (a woman who was brought up knowing right from wrong) even consented to it, but I did. We got on very well, knew each other well. The relationship wasn''t a " normal"  affair...He always mentioned other women from his past and what he did with them...and my womanly instinct was that he was in fact sleeping with other women while involved with me. He denied it when i asked him. or would on occassion say yes there are others and then say hes joking. He never said he loved me but on a couple occasions he did say he cared about me. I became so hooked on this man, my every waking thought was about him. There were several breakups during the past 4 years, always ended by him whenever a huge argument came up or when he felt my feelings were getting too strong. He always said we were only about sex and nothing else. You''d think most women would tell a guy exactly where to get off after hearing something like that but not me - I stayed. On some occasions I saw calls on his phone and smses to other women. Yes, I know i had no right to snoop through his phone as I wasn''t his wife but i had doubts and this solidified them and still i stayed. what is wrong with me? why am i so weak? Things ended ages ago yet he still calls me and wants sex with me even though he claims that he has plenty other options.

I have become such an insecure woman due to all this. I am always worried about other women (around me), whether he''s involved with them and comparing myself to them. I have struggled with depression for many years, but it has officially hit rock bottom and taken me with it. I actually think suicidal thoughts sometimes, thinking that not living will be better than hurting like this. my mind is a complete mess over this man. i cry all the time, i left my job as i was completely messing up at work. i have messed up my life over him.

i dont understand how i ever got involved with him, what possessed me and i want so much to forgive myself and move on. i just dont know how...Please doc/anyone - advise would be most appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Whatever you think your initial motivations may have been, and maybe you climbed into this without adequately thinking it through, ANY relationship with a married person inevitably leads to hurt for their partner, and usually doesn't work out well for you either - you know he's happy to cheat on her, what makes you imagine he won't be just as comfortable cheating on you ?
As he sounds proudly primiscuous, you also ran a significant risk of caching HIV or other STD from him.
YOu seem to lack self-respect and self-esteem, and almost to have assumed that you deserved to be treated as badly as he treated you. Don't you need to see a counsellor to work on such issues ?
Refuse any further contact with him ( you know he only calls to use you further, maybe when some other girlfriend isn't available ) and change your number and contact details so he cannpt copntact you, whiole erasing all contact numbers and details you have for him.
You KNOW he isn't worthy of your love ( nor anyone else's ). Stop blaming yourself and punishing yourself, and celebrate the fact that you're becoming free from him.
See a psychologist / counsellor to straighten yourself out, to learn to like and respect yourself, and to protect yourself from further exploitation from this bum or any others.
This is and was NOT an "addiction", but possibly a degree of dependency arising from your lack of self-love and your craving for what he very occasionally gave you a little of.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: a true friend | 2013/01/29

this is to all the ladies who want to judge this situation and bitter because there husbands cheated on them. it take two to tangle and believe you me any body can get caught up. u are no exception to the rule. for the young lady involved, i been there and done that. the best revenge on this guy is to deny him of what he wants. they get maaaad. it will become sweet to you and build your self esteem once again. it may sound hard right now but as time passes you will began to see my point. like someone told me to look at this this way it is a learning experience. you can do it i''m sure. i was in those same shoes and damn it hurts like hell. guess what his wife divorced him and he met someone else and was tryin to yet get into my panties , you talkin about hurt and like hell. funny they never change. dont give it to him . you will see it works everytime. been there and done it

Reply to a true friend
Posted by: Peet | 2012/11/09

Hi Zara, stop beating yourself up. I have overcome depression with natural products and know exactly what you are experiencing.
The fact of the matter is: you are not yourself! I will say it again: You are not your happy self! So forgive yourself for what happened!
Treat the depression and I will guarantee you will never do something like that again! In fact, you will look back on your past life and think: " Hell,something was not right! I will NOT normally do that!" 
I am not a doctor, but I suffered for about 8 years with depression, was on two different anti-depressants and luckily later started investigating depression and it''s causes and started on natural supplements.
I have been cured for about 4 years, get a spell of depression now and again, but I know it will disappear again, and it does.
Nobody, but nobody can even begin to feel what it is like until you have suffered it yourself.
That is why I say: Forgive yourself, get up, treat the depression and you will be a new person!
If you feel comfortable accepting advice from a stranger, email me here: peetr@crossroads.co.za and I will give you pointers as to the natural products you can take.
But please do not expect miracles overnight like when you take a disprin.
It will take at least a week before you start feeling a difference.
Good luck!!!

Reply to Peet
Posted by: married women | 2012/11/05

word of advise to all the single ladies out there who think they can have someone else''s husband forget it,in most cases they will never leave their wives for you.Stay away from married men ,they will always tell you that they are divorcing their wives and they never will.when they are done with you they always go back to their wives.all relationships have their ups and downs,but u always solve them.

@zara K i hope you find strength to forget about the guy and get ur life together.

Reply to married women
Posted by: Another one that survived | 2012/11/02

Hi Zara K. God is a forgiving God. If you asked Him sincerely and you truly meant it, and you are honest about what happened and not doing it ever again, and if you are truly sorry about it, then God has already forgiven you. You only need to ask God''s forgivenes once - He has already granted it. Now you need to forgive yourself and stop feeling guilty. Because you cannot forgive yourself you feels like no-one else can. So healing starts with you. But, it may make it easier to forgive yourself if you know that God has already forgiven you.

It will take time to get over it completely, but as you continue living a life to be proud of, you will in time convince yourself that you are worthy of God''s acceptance and the love of a decent man.

Just a bit of advice, other people will not understand and will judge you. So when you need a man that you may want to pursue a relationship with you will need to to decide if you want to tell him or not. If you tell right from the start - he may be scared and run. What worked for me was to keep quiet about my past. I did not tell my husband right from the start, as I wanted time to prove my love and my devotion to him without him being prejudice. What happened in my past relationships is nothing of his concern now and he does not need to know things that wont affect him. I know that I am disease free and that I am loyal and commited to him now and that I will not cheat on him, so that is all he needs to know. But that is a decision that you will have to make once you get there.

Good luck! Keep your head high, be a good girl and I promise you, all will be ok!

Reply to Another one that survived
Posted by: Zara K | 2012/11/01

Thank you to Cybershrink and everyone else for their comments!

@ Was a mistress too - That HOLD - i hate it, i hate that he has that on me and it needs to break! he is a deceitful man whom i truthfully wish i had never met. I feel sad sometimes cos i feel that all this may hold me back from meeting a good guy in the future. i feel that i will be untrusting and doubtful. I am so firtunate (by God''s grace) that i did not pick up any infections from him. I hope with time i will forget him!

@ Been there too - I do not feel that i myself am a prostitute, but sadly - i did sell myself very short with him hey? I dont condone what i did either, i admit i was wrong. it is just sad that i will be the one who is in the wrong and not him. when his wife found out she called me every name in the book and accused me of stuff when it was him who pursued me...and yet she stayed with him...and believ me - i was not the first women he cheated with. it really is sad...it is even more sad that women lijke us settle for dumbo''s like him!

@ Nikky - I acknowledge your words. i was not complaining, merely seeking advise from women in similar situations as me/who have been through this. i may have been wrong in doing what i did but everyone should remeber - IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO.

@ Another one that survived - You are lucky - i was one of 100''s...from what i gathered! I am ashamed of what i did and i honestly dont know how to forgive myself. i was always a good girl until i met him...it really is sad how i was so naive and easily manipulated. I am really grateful for your encouraging words. It gives me hope. but, how did you know when you were forgiven? every day i ask God for forgiveness cos i know i failed him in doing something so wrong. as for forgiving myself - i dont know when that will happen. i am starting slowly to find God again, but at times i lose hope and end up sliding right back into my dark hole. I dont care for judgement - only God may judge me. i really do wish to overcome and move past this and change my life for the better.

Thank you all for your advice! It is much appreciated.

Reply to Zara K
Posted by: Another one that survived | 2012/11/01

Hi Zara K. I was there too - perfect man, perfect affair, we were meant for each other, bla bla bla ... you know the story and the feelings. Then I discovered that I was one of 17!!! over a 12 year period of being married. But, while I was with him he got divorce and we even lived together for a while, before I discovered the whole truth. After we broke up - his ex wife remarried him! What was SHE thinking??

I know the " love"  for an undeserving man, the shame about being the mistress, the worries about somebody discovering your secret and not being able to forgive yourself.

I am a good girl. I was a good girl then too. These men know how to play you to get what they want, and the sad thing is, they bring you down to their level and then beat you with their experience.

You now know the hurt, the lies and the pain. You know what you did was wrong. The best you can do is to make a conscious decision to change and to become the good girl again and live a life that you are proud of.

Lift your head up, and do things right from now on. Live a new live that you can be proud of. As a Christian I have found that I needed to return to God, to repent what I did and to seek HIS forgiveness. I had to rebuild my relationship with God first and when I realised that I was truly forgiven by God and that HE is now proud of me, I could finally forgive myself. If God can forgive you, what does it matter what people say and think about what you did? As long as you do NOT return to your old ways.

You cannot change the past, but you can change what you do TODAY, so start living a good life now.

I was blessed with a second chance. I married a wonderful man, we have two young boys and I am so blessed. I can truly say that I was forgiven by God and that my life is now blessed. Yes, there come days that I do think about him and miss him, but I will NEVER repeat what I did. It is not worth it.

And you will also be ok - just make the decision to change your life and stick with it. And let the person that is without mistakes be the first to judge you. Nobody is perfect - not even the perfect wives of cheaters.

Reply to Another one that survived
Posted by: Nikky | 2012/11/01

@ zara k
you were happy with him for four years until you realise you''re not the only mistress in his life,but you did''nt care that his wife is crying day and night because of this affair now you are surprise and get hurt when he cheat on you i''m not judging you but girl get a life what goes around comes around.he always say we were only about sex and nothing else''''what do you think when he said that to you,he doesn''t respect or love you how can you cry for someone who treat you like this are you his sex pet,i dont think so stop entertaining him there is someone out there who will love you and respect you not this man your life is in your hands if you let a man drag you like thisyou''ll be miserable while he enjoy his life out there if he can cheat with you he can also cheat on you.get counselling it will help and stop complaining.

Reply to Nikky
Posted by: Anon for this | 2012/11/01

And what about married women?

Being loving towards their men in order for them to buy them that pair of shoes or dress that they so wanted but cannot afford themselves?

Sounds like prostitution to me.

Reply to Anon for this
Posted by: Been there too | 2012/10/31

and your point???

I rest my case...

Reply to Been there too
Posted by: Romany | 2012/10/31

To been there too

He will come to you for sex.
You will deny him sex.
He will get into his car and go and pay for it.....
He will try again tomorrow or the day after...
That is all it is
I rest my case...

Reply to Romany
Posted by: been there too | 2012/10/31

Zara K

i have been there, getting out was tought took at lot of work, pain and a few counselling session and now i am out, celebrating a beautiful person in me but without goint deep into my story. first, whether you ask to be judged or not, you will be. Sadly most women, we tend to ignore the fact that in most cases its the man who makes a move, often accompanied by lies of being single and by the time you find out you are hooked on the person, if you know before and still enter the relationship then whatever your reasons maybe its wrong. (oh by the way i know those reasons, been there)

i don''t condone what you did, but as someone who has been there i do agree with words by " was a mistress too" . Cut any kind of connection with him, it will be a major struggle at the beginning but one day when his name sounds like a normal vocab or you accidentally meet him and greet him with a big smile on your face without a pain, you will look back at the situation laugh, smile at yourself and say Yes i made it.

Lastly, if you really want to get out of this and stand on your own, you have to stop believing what others say about you cause that is what you will become... Its a sad story that you agree with Romany that you are a prostitute. acknowledge your mistake and work on fixing it but believing something like this from someone who knows Zilch about you is a definite NO NO . Work on believing in yourself, then you can overcome. All the best.

Reply to been there too
Posted by: was a mistress too | 2012/10/31

Yeah you are going to get slaughtered here but whats new.

They don''t understand the " addiction" , the " hold"  and how your relationships is NOT like others and yet in the end it ends up being exactly like all the others.

Ok, let me tell you that the ONLY way i could break from my one was to completely cut all after I also found out about another woman. You see these men make you feel so very special, and that you and them have a connection he''s never had with anyone etc. how when we walked into a club people looked at us because we where such a stunning couple and and and. Truth is he told the next one the same stuff and after i eventually met the next mistress and his wife they were not bad people at all - lies lies lies....his wife did never throw his food at him when he came in late etc.

In any case to make a short story long :-)

If he sends flowers - send it back or like I did - to his mother, if he calls put the phone down (change your number), if he calls you at work, put the phone down. Don''t listen to one word because if you do he will " wangle"  you back to him. They know all the moves and the games.

I was even accepted by his parents and his sister was my best friend because his wife was sooooo bad.

Girl you have to break completely! I even moved from my house so that he could not come there. Never listen to a single word he says or sends.

Its damn hard. But you have to. For 2 years I did not date and now 8 years later I have been with a man for 8 years who is decent, who loves me etc. Best decision I made.

However you will still wake up for a long time with him being your first thought, and go to sleep him being your last thought. It takes time, but one day i did realize geez its been half a day and i never thought of him...then a couple of days and then a week....time DOES heel. I''ve never forgotten him, he is still (i believe) my soulmate - BUT he was a no good piece of rubbish that would eventually give me aids and other stuff.

Girl, be kind to yourself and break it off and keep it off.

Reply to was a mistress too
Posted by: Zara K | 2012/10/31

Romany, I appreciate your words. Nothing but a free prostitue - that is never how I thought of it but you are so very right. I do not wish to ever be in this position ever again. and i do not wish for any other women to go through this either.

Reply to Zara K
Posted by: Romany | 2012/10/31

You ask not to be judged. Having been the wife in such a situation, I cannot comment without being judgemental, sorry.
All I want to say is that I hope other women that are concidering an affair or are having an affair with a MARRIED man will read this and learn from this.
For such women. Always know that you are NOTHING other than a FREE prostitute.
To Zara K, I hope you work through this one and never make the same mistake again.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/31

Whatever you think your initial motivations may have been, and maybe you climbed into this without adequately thinking it through, ANY relationship with a married person inevitably leads to hurt for their partner, and usually doesn't work out well for you either - you know he's happy to cheat on her, what makes you imagine he won't be just as comfortable cheating on you ?
As he sounds proudly primiscuous, you also ran a significant risk of caching HIV or other STD from him.
YOu seem to lack self-respect and self-esteem, and almost to have assumed that you deserved to be treated as badly as he treated you. Don't you need to see a counsellor to work on such issues ?
Refuse any further contact with him ( you know he only calls to use you further, maybe when some other girlfriend isn't available ) and change your number and contact details so he cannpt copntact you, whiole erasing all contact numbers and details you have for him.
You KNOW he isn't worthy of your love ( nor anyone else's ). Stop blaming yourself and punishing yourself, and celebrate the fact that you're becoming free from him.
See a psychologist / counsellor to straighten yourself out, to learn to like and respect yourself, and to protect yourself from further exploitation from this bum or any others.
This is and was NOT an "addiction", but possibly a degree of dependency arising from your lack of self-love and your craving for what he very occasionally gave you a little of.

Reply to cybershrink

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