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Question
Posted by: Shaani | 2010/04/18

Relationship - should I wait?

We met 8yrs ago when we worked together. His wife had just left him &  I was on the verge of walking out on my husband. I fell in love with him, told him about my feelings, but he was apprehensive coz I was still living with my husband. I decided to let him be &  cut myself off. We both went back to our spouses. He moved to another city. We saw each other briefly 2yrs later &  it was clear that we were still attracted to each other. We spoke on the phone a few times but that was it. Six years later I have finally walked out &  filed for divorce. He is still with his wife. After six months on my own I''m in his city for a conference &  he proposes dinner. Dinner was great &  we ended up kissing. He suggests that we finally take a shot at a relationship. It''s been six months &  we are truly in love. He comes to my city once a month for 5 days. I recently asked him what his intentions were. He told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me &  asked me to give him 3 years as there are things he needs to sort out before he leaves her. She is totally dependent on him &  they have a young daughter. I''m angry at him for expecting that from me. I lost my cool &  broke it off with him. He won''t let it go &  says that he''ll try to speed things up. I''m not sure anymore. I love him very much.Should I wait for him?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How many times does it need to be said ? Relationships formed on the rebound usually fail, as they are based on individual not reciprocal needs. And cheaters - cheat. If he'll cheat others with you, he'll cheat you with others.
Memorize those rules, If necessary, have them tatooed on your chest, upside down, so you can read them when you glance downwards.
Attraction is commonplace.
He is still with his wife. Period. He says he is "truly in love" with you ? Isn't that what he once told his wife ?
And you're angry because he won't rapidly dump his wife and young daughter, hurting them maximally, just to satisfy what you want ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: em | 2010/04/20

Sorry, I''m confused: when you met 8 years ago, his wife had walked out on him, but now he''s still with his wife? that means he''s a lready had 8 years to decide if he really wants to be with her or not, so why does he need another 3?

Amanda &  co: Cybershrink isn''t judging he''s giving good advice. That''s what he'' s there for.I would say someone who has as much experience in human relationships as Cybershrink (I suggest you read his write up) will have seen over &  over how often these situations work out for the best &  how often they don''t. Cybershrink = expert, you = not the expert, geddit?

These days everyone is supposed to just be coooooooolllllllll with everything. Don''t judge, look at things for the other people''s perspective, etc, and I''m all for it BUT sometimes the answer is clearcut. Sometimes we have to say: Hell no, what you are doing is bad - finish en klaar, no excuses!

If he really loved you and had any respect for other people''s feelings (his wife &  child) he would leave her and then take some time to gather his thoughts, see to it that his wife &  child are provided for and then get together with someone else. Stop letting him manipulate you, stop helping him cheat on his wife, just set yourself free.

Repeat after me: He''s just not that into you.

Reply to em
Posted by: JEZ | 2010/04/20

Thank you Amanda. I totally agree with you. Everybody is judging and I was like that too. Believe me, until you get involved in the same sh*t. Not necessarily married parties although I know it is more serious but feelings in general. I repeat, dont judge. Shaani, take time on your own and embrace YOURSELF. I dont want to say dont waist your time on this guy, but please start spending time with yourself in order to discover what is important to you. Maybe this guys will leave his wife? but what happens when YOU dont want HIM any more? everybody always makes as if the woman is the one that will always suffer, men can suffer and loose too. But then a broken home at this expense? That is why I say take the time and seek YOUSELF! You cant build your happiness on someone elses sadness yes, but some of us experience it, some of us are victims and some perpertrators. I''ve been hurt many times and I''ve been searching to find out what I did to someone but in the end when I searched for MY soul I realised that it was all a learning process. Anyway, Good luck and may the Love of the Lord be with you always!!!!

Reply to JEZ
Posted by: Amanda | 2010/04/19

It is clear that Shaani is reaching out so why is everyone being so judgemental?

Whoever Cybershrink is, you''re not worth the title or the trouble of being sought out for advice. Shaani was not asking for yours or anybody else''s moral prejudices. And what''s with all the generalising? Very helpful indeed!!!

For everyone whose ever been in a relationship there is some " unhappy"  ex lurking in the background hence I believe this notion of not building your happiness on someone else''s sorrow nonsense to be a load of hogwash.

Shaani, I believe that you are the only one who can decide whether to stay or not. According to statistics only 5% of married men who cheat will leave their wife for their mistress, so the odds are heavily stacked against you.

Take time to be with yourself and decide what to do next. And, learn the lesson from this episode before moving on - should that be what you decide to do.

Good luck

Reply to Amanda
Posted by: Bongi | 2010/04/19

Hayi bo guys - the guy is obviously LYING. He will NEVER leave his wife. He needs 3 years to do what? They never leave, everybody knows.

Maar imagine Shaani if you were on the recieving side (if you were the wife) and there is another woman out there waiting for your husband to hastily divorce you!!!!

Reply to Bongi
Posted by: Latoya | 2010/04/19

Wow another beautiful advice from Phil, guys if we can keep on getting this kinds, i am sure the world will become a better place. Shaani please read this again, " ANYTHING BUILD ON SOMEONE ELSE''S HARDSHIP IS DOOMED"  you cannot want to be happy on someone else''s unhappiness, the bible teaches us that what God put together let no man assunder.

Reply to Latoya
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/04/19

First of all: If he''s willing to cheat with you, he''ll be willing to cheat ON you.

Secondly, you need to question his motives here - why stay with his wife if he wants to be with you? He can support her financially (through maintenance, etc.) without actually still being married to her. This guy just wants his bread buttered on both sides.

Do yourself a favour and move on. He has already proved to you what caliber of man he is - is that really what you think you deserve?

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/19

How many times does it need to be said ? Relationships formed on the rebound usually fail, as they are based on individual not reciprocal needs. And cheaters - cheat. If he'll cheat others with you, he'll cheat you with others.
Memorize those rules, If necessary, have them tatooed on your chest, upside down, so you can read them when you glance downwards.
Attraction is commonplace.
He is still with his wife. Period. He says he is "truly in love" with you ? Isn't that what he once told his wife ?
And you're angry because he won't rapidly dump his wife and young daughter, hurting them maximally, just to satisfy what you want ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Phil | 2010/04/18

Good luck, anything build on someone elses hardship is doomed. You are commiting a sin by trying or having a realtionship with someone that IS NOT avaialble.Someone whos STILL IS MARREID.
Sorry no advice for you really, just enjoy what you do and when life turns on you - which it will, don''t ask why..

Reply to Phil

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