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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/06

Relationship ... should I stay or should I go?

Hi Doc

I have been in a rocky relationship for the past 11 years. I started dating him when I was 15 years old. The relationship went through it all, cheating, dishonesty, trust issues, physical abuse, mental abuse ... everything. We now have a beautiful son together. It feels like I''m staying with him because of my child. I went through quite a transformation, physicality and emotionally. I gave him an ultimatum, change or I''m gone. I have put my career on the side so that he can make the best of his. It just feels like I''m ready to take on the world but it feels like he''s tying me down. He keeps on telling me that I have an ego (which I clearly don''t), I''m just happy and my self-confidence has improved, now he''s having self-confidence issues. I do love him but I''m not in-love with him. We both made mistakes in the past but he keeps on throwing the things I did in my face. I''m tired of living a negative life. Am I in the wrong? Would it be better to end the relationship because all this negativity will eventually rub off on our son? It breaks my heart to know that he forced me to be dependent on him. I studied to be a chef and passed with 4 distinctions but I gave it all up for him. I''m really confused. I gave him allot of chances to improve but it seems like nothing has changed.

Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

When you say "the relationship went through it all : cheating, dishonesty, trust issues, physical abuse, mental abuse " I'm assuming these are things HE did to YOU, rather than the other way around ? Or did you share some of these "mistakes" ?
It sounds as though you have made many significant sacrifices for his benefit, and he has made none for your benefit. What a cheek for him to complain that you "have an ego" ? Everyone has one, but yours maybe isn't self-confident enough, and his is far too much so.
After all he's done to you, most especially, its worthless for him to br throwing your past mistakes back at you ( I assume, again, he isn't in the habit of throwing his own past mistakes back at himself ? )
Explore the opportunities for you to revive your skills and work opportunities as a chef.
Its a common mistake for people, especially for women, to stay with a cruel person who is abusive and makes them miserable, "for the sake of the child" - it is not good for a child to be in a family where he sees his father be unkind and worse to his mother, and to see his mother accept it. It teaches him unpleasant conclusions about how men and women are supposed to be together, and how the world world. The negativity is not wholesome.
Do what's best for you and the child, in the way safest for you both. And that may include leaving him, as he is not at all likely to change for the better, and seeking ways of fulfilling your valid earlier dreams.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/14

Thank you for all of the reply''s, it really helped with my decision. I have made up my mind. I''m leaving him!

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Candy | 2011/09/06

Girl, don''t be with the man that makes you miserable, and never sacrifice your career for man.
I''ve sacrifised my part time career for a man before, he didn''t like me being a singer, you know what, he was lying to me ever since.
he was with someone at the same time. i realised later that he''s not a man for me and my singing was very important for me.
i am happy now, i have a new man now, planning to mary me and pregy with ex baby, and my music career is going well and nothing is holding me back from achieving my dreams

You''re still young and there must be man that will love you
make up your mind now, you don''t want to end up hating life

Reply to Candy
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/06

It sounds like he really boggs you down. And dont I know it all too well. The only way to avoid dealing with their " stuff"  is to chuck yours in your face. Thats just plain fighting dirty - the only way they can win because they are just to cowardly to face up to their own transgressions.

This man is clearly so not worthy of you. Take your son, and go and make a new life for yourselves away from the abuse and negativity. Use your education and live your dreams.

And please dont feel sorry for him when he comes running back begging forgiveness because Romany is right. He may change for a short while, but, he wont be able to sustain it and will just end up making your life a living hell all over again

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/06

While you are still young. Get out. Take your son and make your dreams come true.
He will not change and things will either stay the same or get worse.
Do not wait until it is too late. From your post I gather that you have already made uo your mind and simply need confirmation.
There are so many women that gave up their dreams for a man. I hope some ofthem will share their experiences here to motivate you.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/06

When you say "the relationship went through it all : cheating, dishonesty, trust issues, physical abuse, mental abuse " I'm assuming these are things HE did to YOU, rather than the other way around ? Or did you share some of these "mistakes" ?
It sounds as though you have made many significant sacrifices for his benefit, and he has made none for your benefit. What a cheek for him to complain that you "have an ego" ? Everyone has one, but yours maybe isn't self-confident enough, and his is far too much so.
After all he's done to you, most especially, its worthless for him to br throwing your past mistakes back at you ( I assume, again, he isn't in the habit of throwing his own past mistakes back at himself ? )
Explore the opportunities for you to revive your skills and work opportunities as a chef.
Its a common mistake for people, especially for women, to stay with a cruel person who is abusive and makes them miserable, "for the sake of the child" - it is not good for a child to be in a family where he sees his father be unkind and worse to his mother, and to see his mother accept it. It teaches him unpleasant conclusions about how men and women are supposed to be together, and how the world world. The negativity is not wholesome.
Do what's best for you and the child, in the way safest for you both. And that may include leaving him, as he is not at all likely to change for the better, and seeking ways of fulfilling your valid earlier dreams.

Reply to cybershrink

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