Our expert says:
Did her tendency to get over-involved just sart after your separation ? Or was that just when it became more irritating ? Sounds like one of those situations where the person really means well, but is not merely not being anywhere near as helpful as she supposes, but may actually be making things worse.
For instance, people really do over-estimate how kids are badly affected by separations or divorce - if the parents are sensible about it, kids usually handle it rather well, as yours seem to be doing.
Fortunately, nobody can put you on a guilt trip, unless you accept the ticket and board the vehicle. She is playing into your vulnerability and worries. Your view of your childhood sounds convincing - and now she needs you again, and in the guise of caring for you, she is enabling herself to feel wise and important.
Some people thrive on the guilt of others, rather like a vampire thriving on others' blood.
If she throws tantrums whenever you try to raise your very valid concerns, then you may need to deal with this by ignoring her remarks, saying "uh-huh" and otherwise simulating, listening, but otherwise not taking them to heart or even paying distinct attention while making non-committal noises.
Also, you can perhaps divert her zeal to be helpful, by finding something harmless, which can be represented as significant, which you can give her to do, so whe uses some of that earnest energy without using it in more directly interfering activities.
A personal counsellor could help you plan other strategies, in more detail.
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