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Question
Posted by: Confused from Sandton | 2011/07/17

Relationship problems

Good day
I have been in a five year relationship which ended up in a very nasty breakup once I ended the relationship I joined a dating site where I met a very decent woman. We have been together for the past two years.
She gives me all the support I need, and she is there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. Now after two years I feel the relationship is not working for me. She is a great woman though
To make matters worse I met a woman through my work, beautiful and share similar interests than me. We started talking and we started having feelings for each other.
I told her that I am in a relationship and that I will not cheat on my partner and she also does not want to be third party to a relationship, we decided to be friends with no other “ benefits” 
I am sitting here over the weekend at home and my thoughts are with this new woman from work.
My current girlfriend has been with me through all the trying times but do I have to be with someone because of guilt or the one that will really make me happy.
If I break up with my current girlfriend I know for a fact it will destroy her since she feels I am her soul mate.
I have various options:

1.Remain with the current girlfriend and always think what if.
2.End the relationship and run the risk that I am not compatible with the new girlfriend
3.I might take the leap of faith and find the one true love.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some thoughts. Your comments are largely about yourself, in the sense that you write of how much your girlfriend does for you, and not about anything you do for her. She's there for you - are you there for her ? and so on. Now there's someone else available, you wonder if you were happy with your gf -if not happy, what were you ? Content ? Or using ?
The concept of "soul mate" is one of the mos damaging and dangerous around, and it's admirable that you dont want to cheat, and hesitate to hurt her. If you choose to think about it, "what if" is ALWAYS better than "what is", because it has never had any chance to go sour, to be disappointing - it's a fantast, rather than a reality. yes, indeed, there's a real isk you will end disappointed with the new gf as well. Presumably you didn't start with the present gf expecting disappointment.
If you took "the leap of faith" where would you be leaping ? From where to where ?
Would there be value in seeing a couples counselor with your present gf ? Not to find something to glue you together, but so you can each grow a bit and learn about yourselves and each other. Maybe she can learn the folly of the soulmate assumption, and to feel more confident without needing anyone else to validate her. And you might gain clarity as to what you need, what you have to give, and what you really want

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1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/17

Some thoughts. Your comments are largely about yourself, in the sense that you write of how much your girlfriend does for you, and not about anything you do for her. She's there for you - are you there for her ? and so on. Now there's someone else available, you wonder if you were happy with your gf -if not happy, what were you ? Content ? Or using ?
The concept of "soul mate" is one of the mos damaging and dangerous around, and it's admirable that you dont want to cheat, and hesitate to hurt her. If you choose to think about it, "what if" is ALWAYS better than "what is", because it has never had any chance to go sour, to be disappointing - it's a fantast, rather than a reality. yes, indeed, there's a real isk you will end disappointed with the new gf as well. Presumably you didn't start with the present gf expecting disappointment.
If you took "the leap of faith" where would you be leaping ? From where to where ?
Would there be value in seeing a couples counselor with your present gf ? Not to find something to glue you together, but so you can each grow a bit and learn about yourselves and each other. Maybe she can learn the folly of the soulmate assumption, and to feel more confident without needing anyone else to validate her. And you might gain clarity as to what you need, what you have to give, and what you really want

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