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Question
Posted by: Barbara | 2011/03/09

relationship problem

Please help I dont know what to do anymore. 3 years ago my mom moved into my house promising that she would be moving in a month and just had to find something. She moved in with myself, my husband and our daugther of 3 years old and from that day on things went from bad to worse in our relationship. The communication between my husband and I dropped completely and financial issues also became a bit of a strain. During this time one of our mutual friends who is also married came onto me and I seriously cannot believe how pathetic it is but because it was somebody who was being nice I fell for it. Please note this is not the type of person i am and I feel like I am going insane to have even fallen for it. We saw each other for coffee etc for about 18 months. In this time we did not have sexual intercourse as I would not allow it and from his side he said it felt like a school fling. I am SO sorry that this happened and although I cannot turn back the clock i dont know what to do. This guys wife then caught us having coffee and then the shit hit the fan. From that day onwards I explained what had happened to my husband and told him where our relationship had gone wrong. I did not blame him however he blamed himself and told me he doesnt want to lose me and we moved on for 6 months. This probably was the biggest mistake because now after 6 months he has done a complete turnaround. He has had nobody to talk to about this and has bottled it up inside all this time. Now he has been very withdrawan, very offish and very much to himself. he wrote me a letter and told me that it was not his fault and he doesnt know if he wants to be with me or not anymore. He said he loves me and thats why he is still there and in the next breath says it is only for the sake of our daughter. In the last 2 weeks he has signed up an ex girlfriend on facebook and corresponds with her cousin frequently in an innocent way but after 16 years - why go back into the past. App the cousin wanted him to come for a braai but without me as it would be akward to the ex who is also married. I have told him that I am willing to do everything i can to save our marriage as I love him to bits and really dont want to lose him. I have told my mom to be out by the weekend and want to make this work and be the wife that he married. Yesterday he went to see a counsellor that I had booked for him but I think he seemed worse when he got home - thought they were supposed to help you. App next time he wants to see both of us together. It like little things he doesnt comment on my facebook anymore and if i say i love you he will say mmm. or sometimes he will respond. I went to bed crying and do not have an appetitie anymore i have hardly eaten anything and am already so thin. Please help me I feel like I am going mental. He is like two people when he woke up this morning he said hi lovie. The counsellor said maybe he should go away for the weekend but dont think he is going to. This whole thing is totally my fault and I really want to make him see how much i love him. Please could you give me advice and from a professional point of view do you think our relationship can still work? If I get rid of the elements like my mother who is leaving in 3 days. Also why is he connecting with the past??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its common that families develop serious conflict when they get too physically close and se too much of each other.
Now, you've had an unfortunate experience with this other guy, and regret it - don't beat yourself up about it, though ; learn from it and move on.
Why haven't you and your husband got into marriage counselling - TOGETHER ? Sounds like its high time that Mom moved out. Counsellors do help, but sometimes you need with them to explore uncomfortable territory, so one isn't always joyful after every session.
Sorry, but I think it awfully sad when a married couple, or even simply actual genuine friends, communicate with each other by Facebook. Face to face is ALWAYS better. I don't understand the rationale for him seeing a counsellor alone - where the problem is within the relationship, it's usually better for both to be involved together in finding solutions.
Why is he making some connections to the past ? Maybe out of nostalgia for safer times, when he isn't finding the present so pleasant ?
Yes of course the relationship can work again, so long as you both want it to, and work with proper help to accopmplish this

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liane | 2011/03/09

Honey firstly, how old are you as you sound very young “ he doesn’ t comment on my facebook anymore”  come on…  Not once in this long post have you mentioned how any of this conflict between the two of you has affected your child, I hope it has not… 

Anyway everyone makes mistakes, the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself before you can expect forgiveness from anyone else…  By not eating and crying yourself to sleep at night is not forgiving to yourself.. Once you are over that part you need to be confident in yourself that you will make this marriage work, you really sound sincere by demanding your mom be out and booking a counselor. I hope all works out for you… 

Reply to Liane
Posted by: Mzulu | 2011/03/09

Barbara

It amazes me how in life we do things to others,hoping to get away with them and when shit hits the fan like you put it,we break down and desperately apologise.The simple rule of life is that every single thing (good/bad) has a consequence and that the truth has a very nasty way of coming out. You did this consciously and out of selfishness hoping to have your cake and eat it.You put your husband in an awkward situation by letting your mother move in with you for longer than agreed and when this created problems (that YOU created) what do you do...you go and cheat on your husband who let your mother move in because he loved you and wanted to make life eaiser for you. While you not wrong in trying to fix this mess of which I wish you well, do accept that it will never be the same ad be prepared to serve your sentence if it comes to that, which might be in a form of a very unhappy marriage or a divorce or worse still,a revenge affair seeing that he is already in touch with the ex!

Reply to Mzulu
Posted by: James | 2011/03/09

I have been there and am now happily divorced. Let me tell you what you have done to your husband is shattering. It is something I dont wish on my worst enemy. The result is that I WILL NEVER remarry. In any event the trust you had has been broken and needs to be rebuilt. It is not just an issue of " well I stopped seeing the other guy so all is ok"  but you have to regain and rebuild from scratch baring in mind that he will always be wondering if you are being honest with him since you cannot just wipe away the past and that you will have to accept and live with. Its a long road that will have its ups and downs but I am sure if you stick to it you can fix things, just dont expect it to be the same.

Reply to James
Posted by: Typical | 2011/03/09

Thats the problem with you women. When ever there is shyt in relationship, another mans arms always seem like the answer. It blady ridiculous. 9 of 10 women always seek attention from men when its not going well, instead of just sorting out the issues ...

Reply to Typical
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/09

Its common that families develop serious conflict when they get too physically close and se too much of each other.
Now, you've had an unfortunate experience with this other guy, and regret it - don't beat yourself up about it, though ; learn from it and move on.
Why haven't you and your husband got into marriage counselling - TOGETHER ? Sounds like its high time that Mom moved out. Counsellors do help, but sometimes you need with them to explore uncomfortable territory, so one isn't always joyful after every session.
Sorry, but I think it awfully sad when a married couple, or even simply actual genuine friends, communicate with each other by Facebook. Face to face is ALWAYS better. I don't understand the rationale for him seeing a counsellor alone - where the problem is within the relationship, it's usually better for both to be involved together in finding solutions.
Why is he making some connections to the past ? Maybe out of nostalgia for safer times, when he isn't finding the present so pleasant ?
Yes of course the relationship can work again, so long as you both want it to, and work with proper help to accopmplish this

Reply to cybershrink

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