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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011-03-30

Relationship or not?

Hi,
I haven''t been in a relationship for years and now I have been with this guy for more than 6 months now and I am not sure if we have a healthy relationship.
The first 4 months was good. We spoke on the phone every day and saw each other on weekends and at least once a week. He would phone me more than I phoned him, and would always tell me that he likes (love) me and want to spend time with me and do things with me.
The last two months things started changing. I had my birthday - he gave me a gadget for my mobile in the car and we went for Indian to a place down the road. It was a nice evening. I told him over and over that I had a great time and appreciated what he has done.
After that he would phone me and would cut the call short every time saying that he doesn''t like talking on the phone so much. He is getting migraines. I also don''t see him in the week anymore and a few weekends he just made plans with his mates without even telling me that we weren''t going to see each other. Now I would see him maybe on a weekend and would speak on the phone 1/2 times a week.
I brought it up about 3 weeks ago, telling him that I am not sure what is going on, but things all off a sudden started changing and I don''t know why. I had to ask him to talk to him in the car park after a party, because he made other plans for that weekend. Everything was going so well before then. He said that now that we are in a relationship, we cannot go to restaurants all the time and he cannot buy me flowers all the time. Shouldn''t my birthday have been an indication that he cares for me? I told him that I don''t want to go out and be spoiled all the time, but we should take each other in consideration when we make other plans (at least just tell the other person, so that they don''t wait the whole weekend) and spend some time together. Watching a movie at home or go for a walk, etc. He then told me that I shouldn''t pressure him because he will just run.
I also told him that I feel that he doesn''t show any interest in me, because he will NEVER ask me anything about myself. My work, how I feel, etc. I told him once that my mom has a life threatening illness and he didn''t say anything back then and didn''t ask anything since. When I brought that up, I started crying and left. When we talk it is always about him. I will ask him questions or he would just tell his stories.
He sent me a text to say that he is sorry he doesn''t support me and doesn''t show interest. But that was it. It is 3 weeks later and nothing has changed.
Only once have I brought this up again since, asking him when are we going to spend some alone time together. We were on our way to a party. He got annoyed and said that we spending time right there. I left it and never asked again.
He keeps on talking about me as his girlfriend, but we don''t spend time alone together. We hardly ever speak on the phone anymore. Texts and emails don''t exist.
Now I want to know - is that how a relationship is? I have lots of experience with dating, but not being in a relationship. Am I expecting too much? He has been single for about 10 years. Or am I a spoiled and needy brat?
I really started loving this guy and that is why I haven''t left yet, but I am not sure if he has lost interest and just don''t want to tell me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I suppose much depends on what your definition is, of a "healthy relationship". Many people these days seem to include the expectation of a set number of phone calls per day ! But only the pair of you, in calm discussion, can work out what sort of relationship you have. Maybe he is developing other interests, relationship-wise or hobby-wise ; it sounds as though he may be experiencing financial pressures and worries.
Maybe he's just not all that into you - or maybe he's actually not all that into any relationship ; maybe he wants to be able to refer to a girlfriend, but not to actually commit himself to any even semi-serious relationship.
Only sincere discussion between you can clarify what is and is not going on

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2011-03-31

The reason we date is to see if our initial attraction for each other will grow.In this case the relationship is is not developing in a way that would make for a commited relationship. Move on, you are not happy.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Get Real | 2011-03-30

Sorry, he is just too slippery. He seems too self centered and that is a bad sign. Selfishness is horrible. I don''t know, he just seems to be an odd person, not someone I would like to get to know further. Personally, I would not persue this relationship. You do not want to be hurt and this looks as if you are heading that way. Don''t let your heart rule your head

Reply to Get Real
Posted by: Romany | 2011-03-30

I think he is not into you. You have been dating for 6 months and instead of him wanting to see you more, he actually wants to see you less.
Have you made a verbal commitment to each other? Ie are you guys exclusive? If not, I think you should see other people but do tell him about this. Go with your friends in a group.
No need sitting at home waiting for " maybe''s" <  you are still young and should enjoy yourself.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Delia | 2011-03-30

Sounds like he has another girlfriend

Reply to Delia
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-03-30

I suppose much depends on what your definition is, of a "healthy relationship". Many people these days seem to include the expectation of a set number of phone calls per day ! But only the pair of you, in calm discussion, can work out what sort of relationship you have. Maybe he is developing other interests, relationship-wise or hobby-wise ; it sounds as though he may be experiencing financial pressures and worries.
Maybe he's just not all that into you - or maybe he's actually not all that into any relationship ; maybe he wants to be able to refer to a girlfriend, but not to actually commit himself to any even semi-serious relationship.
Only sincere discussion between you can clarify what is and is not going on

Reply to cybershrink

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