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Question
Posted by: Maggie | 2011/05/15

Relationship Issues Over Past Mistakes

I am so sad today. I think my 8 year relationship with my fiance has run it''s course. Mistakes were made on both sides, but he is constantly bringing up mine. We met when I was 16, and it was an incredibly difficult time in my life (to the extent that I was self harming) and I had done things with a couple of guys that I am not proud of and regret, but I accept that I was young and stupid and looking for acceptance. I lied about those things in the beginning of my relationship because I was terrified of losing the one good thing in my life, but now I fear it has cost me dearly. It''s not like my fiance is completely innocent. He was 20 when we met. He once told me that he told this other chick that he loves her (right after we started dating, he hadn''t even said it to me and the word love is not to be used lightly) and he cheated on me 2 years into our relationship. He would go out all the time without me despite my pleas to come with (this was now after I turned 18) and he would ignore my calls and be nasty to me when I fought with him about it. He was great to me during the week and on weekend days, but I dreaded weekend nights. We managed, I thought, to move past all of this. Lately though he''s been fighting with me because in his head, he thinks I''m cheating on him and he''s bringing up all my mistakes from when I was 16. We are each others ''first and only'' but he doesn''t believe me and he wants other people. Just a month ago he proposed and now I am a whore and a skank and he ''settled for me'', making assumptions about my phantom activities / partners etc (he was going on like this for quite a while last night, I stopped listening after a few minutes. I''m not going to try convince him or justify myself anymore). I''ll be fair, I''ve called him a few names myself. I''m starting to think that this is more of a relationship of convenience (as I clean the house, cook, he uses my car because he made bad car choices, etc) but it breaks my heart as I love him so much. I am planning on sleeping in the spare room for a while, but I cannot afford to live by myself (living with my parents is out the question, mom in a 1room flat and dad too far). Therapy is out the question, been begging for years for him to go. I am at my wits end which is what he wants because now he ''can f*@# who he wants, do what he wants, being free'', ect. I am confused and I thought we had this great love that could overcome everything.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Repeatedly bringing up your companion's past mistakes, as though they were winning cards in a game, is uncouth and never useful. Everyone makes mistakes ; wise people make NEW mistakes, having learned from the old ones enough not to repeat them.
This guy started a relationship with you when you were really young and vulnerable. Hopefully, you have grown up, but maybe he hasn't. This sounds more like an arrangement than a real relationship. Either agree that any relationship is now over and the pair of you can do as you wish in your private lives, but live together as a cobnvenient way of sharing expenses ( if you can emotionally actually do that ) ; or see a couples counsellor together ; or consider breaking up and moving on.
You may feel some sort of love for him, but nothing you describe about him suggests it is matched by love from him.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/15

Repeatedly bringing up your companion's past mistakes, as though they were winning cards in a game, is uncouth and never useful. Everyone makes mistakes ; wise people make NEW mistakes, having learned from the old ones enough not to repeat them.
This guy started a relationship with you when you were really young and vulnerable. Hopefully, you have grown up, but maybe he hasn't. This sounds more like an arrangement than a real relationship. Either agree that any relationship is now over and the pair of you can do as you wish in your private lives, but live together as a cobnvenient way of sharing expenses ( if you can emotionally actually do that ) ; or see a couples counsellor together ; or consider breaking up and moving on.
You may feel some sort of love for him, but nothing you describe about him suggests it is matched by love from him.

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