advertisement
Question
Posted by: T | 2011/09/27

Relationship issues

I ahve been married for 3 years and still having issues with hubby and him been more commited to his own personal pleasure than that of our family. My mum currently lives with us which is causing other issues as she gets to see alot more than parents maybe should know and tends to get involved since she hates seeing me up set. This has led to me having to choose how to go forward on our own or not. This has other issues for me as I feel responsible to take care of my mum and ensure that she is always comfy and happy and at the same time to ensure that my fam is together and happy>  I have no idea how to balance the 2 without being guilty about my choices...

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One does expect a married person to think more of his partner and not only of himself. But a parent living with you so often causes problems, especially of the sort you describe. She needs to think that if she were not there, she wouldn't know of any squabbles, and would not be able to intervene, and yet you would still have survived.
Its good to look after your mom, though her happiness, and even to some extent her comfort, is her own responsibility - you can trynto avoid making her unhappy, but happiness she needs to find for herself, as always in life.
Why not consider asking your husband ( NOT mom ! ) to join you in a few sessions of couples counselling, to coordinate views of where you are and where you want to go together ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Octavia | 2013/03/15

I have been married for 4 years, but even before that my partner has always been ashamed of being seen in public with me, he is ok amongst our friends and family but not when we are walking at the mall or somewhere. after I had my 2nd child I gained weigh but did all I could to loose and went back to my original weight. but he is the type that always criticise me. I am just never good enough for him. at first it was my cooking which I dedicated myself and learned. then not a great mom and he would say it outloud that I am not a great mom, but because when I felt pregnant he said to me I did it deliberately to make him stay with me. that stop. we got married and he wanted a child but it just could happen at the time he wanted but eventually the baby came, he was disappointed it was not a girl as he wanted. since then whenever we are at the mall he will be walking fast and I will be behind him like a small child. I will ask him to slow down but he wouldn't. before I had my second baby, he used to hold my hand when we are at the mall but he stopped. this morning we were traveling together trying to same as petrol has gone up so we are using my car, its smaller and economically. I will drop him off at work Jo'burg CBD and continue up north as I work in Midrand. I start work at 8h30 but I am at work at 6h30, I work for an investment company and there's no flexibility, the fact that you came in early doesn't mean you will leave work early. I sacrifice and still do it. today, at 4h30 he was busy on his phone sending sms. just after at 5h50 I dropping him off at work, his phone rang and a lady asked if he was picking her up, he said no I cant because I am using public transport. me sitting next to him was shocked to hear that he called me public transport, I then asked who that was he told me and kept quite after that. I then said to him as he was getting out of the car, "please tell XXX that your wife dropped you off at work, don't lie and say you are using public transport as I am not public transport . as I got to work there was a long email that came in at 5h57 with subject disgusting. please advise if I was unreasonable by first asking who that was and by telling him not to lie just be honest and tell that person that I was dropping him off. why does he refer to me as public . transport, why is he ashamed to say we are using one transport with my wife. the sad part is that I didn't even know he was having a lift club with this women.

Reply to Octavia
Posted by: dada | 2011/09/27

It will most probably cause strains in your relationship alright. Your mother being involved, and all. Are you sure this was okay with him? would it had been okay if you were staying with his mother ? never mind the reasons for staying with your mother. I have friends who are divorced and they will tell you....there are two major things that causes diverce, in laws and money...cheating all that other grab, people live with and resolve......I personally have made my mind up, I will not stay with my parents.....if they fall ill and they need serious attention, I will get them a nurse, if they need a house - I will built it for them and help out....staying with an inlaw drains us all. Although in many of these fights you feel you are right, you could be wrong and your mother, in the mist of arguments will always take your side.....now some men- hold grudges dear......it could be that your situation will not improve as long as you men feels your mother has replaced him, giving advise and playing the safety card, caring for the kids....those are his roles.....perhaps he figured.....why try

Reply to dada
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/27

One does expect a married person to think more of his partner and not only of himself. But a parent living with you so often causes problems, especially of the sort you describe. She needs to think that if she were not there, she wouldn't know of any squabbles, and would not be able to intervene, and yet you would still have survived.
Its good to look after your mom, though her happiness, and even to some extent her comfort, is her own responsibility - you can trynto avoid making her unhappy, but happiness she needs to find for herself, as always in life.
Why not consider asking your husband ( NOT mom ! ) to join you in a few sessions of couples counselling, to coordinate views of where you are and where you want to go together ?

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement