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Question
Posted by: Hurt | 2010/10/23

Relationship Breakup

How do you get over a relationship when you have been told that you did nothing wrong and you have very strong feelings for that person but he is considering reconciling with his second wife who he says he loves very much. The reason for their marriage failing was because of the children who convinced their mother, after about 8 years of marriage, to return to their father who lived in another town to where they were living. This she did and they remarried but after about 4 years she wants to reconcile with the partner whom she left because of pressure from the children who have now supposedly finished with school.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Accept that it is probably true - you did nothing wrong, so don't blame yourself. He did, though probably unintentionally - as I keep warning people in the forum, be VERY cautious about any relationship that is forming, when one or more of the participants has not yet properly got over their previous relationship.
This situation sounds complex - why did a mother listen to children about ending a relatonship in which she was happy, and to return to one in which she was and is, unhappy ? Sounds like the children were being selfish and not thinking of her needs and wishes at all. And it sounds as though she is chronically unsure of what she really wants, and easily swayed by others.
So, she obeyed hwer children and madfe herself and your friend, unhappy. Now she feel ready to leave the man who has twice made her unhappy, to return to the man she recently made unhappy, though this will make you unhappy.
As for getting over all this, there's no easy or quick way, but to see that without saying it clearly, he was only on loan to you, as he still felt committed to you, and now feels free to return to his first love. Its sad, but tying yourself too firmly to grieving for the loss of this relationship, could prevent or delay your finding someone who is free to love only you and thus finding a far hppier relationship.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/24

Accept that it is probably true - you did nothing wrong, so don't blame yourself. He did, though probably unintentionally - as I keep warning people in the forum, be VERY cautious about any relationship that is forming, when one or more of the participants has not yet properly got over their previous relationship.
This situation sounds complex - why did a mother listen to children about ending a relatonship in which she was happy, and to return to one in which she was and is, unhappy ? Sounds like the children were being selfish and not thinking of her needs and wishes at all. And it sounds as though she is chronically unsure of what she really wants, and easily swayed by others.
So, she obeyed hwer children and madfe herself and your friend, unhappy. Now she feel ready to leave the man who has twice made her unhappy, to return to the man she recently made unhappy, though this will make you unhappy.
As for getting over all this, there's no easy or quick way, but to see that without saying it clearly, he was only on loan to you, as he still felt committed to you, and now feels free to return to his first love. Its sad, but tying yourself too firmly to grieving for the loss of this relationship, could prevent or delay your finding someone who is free to love only you and thus finding a far hppier relationship.

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