Posted by: Jane | 2009-07-17

relationship advise please

Hi, I have been in a realtionship for 15 years. It' s been a very very rocky road. we seem to be in a rut at the moment, where there is no affection at all. I find affection a chore and now he' s retaliating and being spiteful and refuses to give me affection as I seem to push him away all the time.
We have done everything the wrong way round, by this I mean met when we were in last year of school, moved in together, had a child, bought a house. Nothing is done the right way round. Recently the subject of marriage has come up and my fiance (proposed 2 years ago) not in so many words said it does not bother him if we marry or not. I on the other hand feel it should have been done many years ago and somehow need that closure to complete my circle of wrong doings (if you know what I mean). Am I just being difficult or should I be thinking of moving on? I cannot see why he won' t commit? What should I be asking him to get the answers I need.

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Our expert says:
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Why not consider relationship counselling to see if the snags can be and should be ironed out ? Its not too surprising that your fiancee isn't eager to marry, as he currently enjoys all the advantages ( and maybe some of the disadvantages ) of marriage already, in a relationship that ha survived 15 years. A counsellor could help to mediate and clarify issues and potential solutions for both of you

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Our users say:
Posted by: sandy | 2009-07-17

a good exercise for you both to do - separately write down all the things you have done to him (and him to you - negative/spiteful/wrong etc) and all the things you have withheld from him and he does the same. The list could prove very interesting. You need to like and respect each other before you can love each other. You really need to swop lists but this is not always comfortable for either or both parties, as truthful as it may be. Damage to each other (discreetly or openly) causes damage to any relationship. It has a way of manifesting itself - so you both are the cause of where you are both at. Be sincere, be honest, be ethical and trust me things will improve.

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