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Question
Posted by: depressed and frustrated | 2011/03/03

relationship

been married to the guy i love or atleast used to love, we have 3 kids problem is i am not in love with him anymore he turns me off with all the tobacco chewing and alcohol drinking he doesnt even try or want to get help for his problems when i tell him i will leave him and take kids with me he says go when he is drunk but then next day when he is sober he acts like nothing happened, i think i am in love with another guy, he lives across the street from me and everytime i am out and he is out we make eye contact he even smiles at me but somehow i cant smile back, i dont know if i love him or i am in lust with him bcuz i dont have sex with my husband anymore, bcuz he reeks of tobacco and alcohol, he wasnt like this when we married, i am just waiting till i finish med school &  get a job so i can move out with my kids bcuz i dont trust him with the kids since he is almost always drunk, it is tempting to leave him but we have no place to go or family to go to, am i wrong in making eye contact with the guy across the street i always stand outside and try to get a glimpse of the guy. is it love or lust? thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hs he really just started chewing tobacco and drinking ? Or have you changed your attitude towards these bad habits ? Maybe your interest in the other guy has coloured your reaction to these habits ? Your interest in him doesn't sound much like love, and there may be mainly lust involved - or simply a desire for feeling as though you are still attractive.
On the drunk / sober diferences, remember that there is some interesting research on State-Dependent Learning showing that what we learn or experience while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, we may not recall when sober and "straight".
has he ever attempted to get expert help for his alcoholism ? Would he be open to being persuaded to do so ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2011/03/03

Its a tough one. You never menetioned your ages but nevertheless, the two of you are in trouble especially when you not ven intimate anymore. Your situation is not going to get any better if he still carries on with his excessive drinking and smoking and worse, you already have an eye on another guy.Depends on what you really want though ie are you still willing to fight for your marriage or not and if yes..like CS always suggests marriage counselling. Maybe a counsellor will makehim understand how mush you despise his filthy habits and the effects on your marriage. If he still shows unwillingness to change, leave him. As for then other guy, Itsa not a good idea to confuse yourself, just focus on resolving your problem because for all we know, that guy might just be wanting to bonk thats all and I doubt you know much about him ie is he attached e.tc on a light note, invest on a good fire extinguisher for everytime he lights a ciggerate.

Reply to Me
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/03

Hs he really just started chewing tobacco and drinking ? Or have you changed your attitude towards these bad habits ? Maybe your interest in the other guy has coloured your reaction to these habits ? Your interest in him doesn't sound much like love, and there may be mainly lust involved - or simply a desire for feeling as though you are still attractive.
On the drunk / sober diferences, remember that there is some interesting research on State-Dependent Learning showing that what we learn or experience while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, we may not recall when sober and "straight".
has he ever attempted to get expert help for his alcoholism ? Would he be open to being persuaded to do so ?

Reply to cybershrink

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