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Posted by: Isobel | 2010-08-21

Ref to No. 506 - for you Homer

Homer I am not a whore I have never cheated on my husband in the 15 years we have been married and never wanted to. We have recently moved to a different country, whole new life, friends left behind. I may be needing the interaction from friends that I am not getting so I am finding it another way. That may sound strange to you but if anyone could understand how isolated I feel it would put some perspective into why I am doing what I am doing. And to the other people that commented on my previous post, I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP I just want an outlet. So before anyone passes judgement they should be in my shoes. I have been the loving wife, perfect mother and well rounded person for so long I am tired of being this sterotypical person that everyone expects of me. And for the other posters that commented while I appreciate the fact that what I am doing is wrong and I know it and my marriage vows were sacred before God I cant change the way I am feeling. It would be so much easier to just not feel this way

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Isobel, this is a forum where you seek advice from an 'expert' and others also comment. Sometimes these comments are helpful, sometimes they aren't and you need to not take these things personally (even if they are made out to be personal comments). It sounds like Homer touched a nerve - but that doesn't mean it is true, but it possibly tapped into your own fears based on your discomfort with your own behaviour.

Hearing more of your story, I will say that you are normal and your story matches that of many other people. However, you need to know that the 'outlet' seems harmless but if your husband or children were to discover it they would feel betrayed in some way (I have worked with many couples where this betrayal has been discovered and the pain it causes is very intense with consequences far greater than the betraying party ever imagined and certainly ever intended!). Given the investment you have put into your family, I have no doubt you don't intend to hurt them. Perhaps what you need to do is to challenge the 'stereotypes' that you perceive are expected of you and be your own person in ways other than that which can break down what you love so much.

Claire - SASHA

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Our users say:
Posted by: steve | 2010-08-27

Isobel I know exactly what you mean. I also get enough sex at home but there is more to it than just a bang. There are things I am missing out on and no amount of talking or begging is working. So as much as I hate to I need to go elsewhere. Wish i could get it at home

Reply to steve
Posted by: Isobel | 2010-08-26

The reality is is that I get sex at home, and lots of it but the passion is not there. 10 years of living with not having that drive when I know I should have it led me to succumb. I am wrong so I cant change the top of the list answer to what I am doing. But I feel alive, I feel 20 again.
I dont know what will happen, I know that at the moment I just want to go and do it and not look back, my mind says go and my spirit says no. I am hoping I chicken out for my family''s sake. :-(

Reply to Isobel
Posted by: steve | 2010-08-24

ps to above

I also believe that the woman has also an obligation to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage and compamise sexually (although who wants sex as a must do and not want to do), or she must get out.

What gives the woman the right to suddenly stop sex and expect the marriage to carry on normally ? Why must the man stay for better or worse because of a womans decission ?

(Note I refer to men and women - but these roles can be interchanged and the man going off sex)

Reply to steve
Posted by: steve | 2010-08-24

Homer - what if you do not want a divorce ? You always live in hope things will come right one day - even if it just a far off thought.

I have had 25 years to think about this - and divorce has often coem into the equasion - but always realised that that is not the answer.

If I get caught one day - then it will change the equasion, and divorce may then be the answer.

At the moment I am not looking elswhere for love - just to be able to enjoy sexual activity that should not have been taken away from me without consultation.

Reply to steve
Posted by: Rob | 2010-08-24

Steve - the best reply and explanation I have read thus far. I am in the same boat and yes, after nearly 32 years of marraige all sexual events has stopped for more than a year now. It is not fair just to tell you that she is not interested in sex anymore.

You cannot have sex up to end of the month and then stop totally!!!!!!!!! It does not make sense!! I agree, there are many women out there with the same problem and we should then enjoy each other comfert and joy!!

Reply to Rob
Posted by: Homer | 2010-08-23

Steve - I understand &  sympasise with your situation,But surely it is the best choice to get a divorce fisrt and then go and do everything you lost out on as you stated.

One day we all will have give answers to our actions.Do you honestly think your exuse is going to cut it ?

Good luck

Reply to Homer
Posted by: steve | 2010-08-23

This is a very real problem - and it does not go away or get any easier.

I have been married for 25 years, and the problem has been there for the last 20 years - and does not look like improving. I have been talking for 20 years trying to discuss teh problem but she is not interested. So what do you do if you love someone and do not want to leave ?

As one gets older you realise you only have one life. You do not get a second chance to do what you miss out on. Is it fair that because one of the partners in a marriage changes her level of desire then teh other has to either adapt or suffer ?

After years of contemplating I eventually realised I was not going to get certain things at home, and was going to get other benefits.

I had to take a painful decission - either do without, or get elsewhere. The other option of giving up all my sexual likes and loves was considered, but as a man we were given these desires, and I don''t believe that a single person has teh right to take away from us what was agreed before marriage.

I have found sexual satisfaction in a few other women who are in the same situation - where privacy and confidentiallity are critical. I hate doing it, but it is my right to live out my life in a way I want.

Safety, security and health issues are always top of the agenda - even to the extent that full sexual penetration does not occur in may instances

I would far rather be doing it with my wife - but she does not give that option.

It is surprising how many men and women there are out there who need a bit of physical action - with no emotions attached.

I know I will be blasted for saying the above - but I love my wife, but can not accept that she has the right to take away sexual behaviour that is built into our genes.

What she does not know will not hurt her.

Reply to steve
Posted by: Anon | 2010-08-23

Isobel - what women comes up with such an excuse to make herself feel better. You cheated you cheater!! No excuse can get you out for what you did. You are married, for better or for worse (guess those words you forget)

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Homer | 2010-08-22

Isobel,It was never my intension to label you,But face the facts,You have already cheated on him by doing what you did,Even if it was not physical.Leave the man then if you are not happy,Get a divorce and move on,But please dont keep him on a line,making him think everything is OK &  dandy when appartly its not.I am talking out of experience here.It does not justiy your actions even if you feel how you feel,You are still a married woman and your actions are not wanted in a mariage,End it and then you can go and look for true love or whatver it is you are looking for.

Reply to Homer
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010-08-21

Isobel, this is a forum where you seek advice from an 'expert' and others also comment. Sometimes these comments are helpful, sometimes they aren't and you need to not take these things personally (even if they are made out to be personal comments). It sounds like Homer touched a nerve - but that doesn't mean it is true, but it possibly tapped into your own fears based on your discomfort with your own behaviour.

Hearing more of your story, I will say that you are normal and your story matches that of many other people. However, you need to know that the 'outlet' seems harmless but if your husband or children were to discover it they would feel betrayed in some way (I have worked with many couples where this betrayal has been discovered and the pain it causes is very intense with consequences far greater than the betraying party ever imagined and certainly ever intended!). Given the investment you have put into your family, I have no doubt you don't intend to hurt them. Perhaps what you need to do is to challenge the 'stereotypes' that you perceive are expected of you and be your own person in ways other than that which can break down what you love so much.

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist

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