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Question
Posted by: Anon. | 2010-02-19

Reconciliation after cheating

Hi there, i just want to know if this is possible, i have decided to give my marriage another go after my husband was countlessly unfaithful to me with work collegues (more than one girl)........we been trying since November ''''09 and it has been going well.......last week i moved back into our home and suddenly i feel very depressed and sad and i cannot stop feeling that he may do it again, since all these affairs wee at work i feel threatened everyday and insecure, i feel like i cannot have a normal relationship with him because if isay or do something out of line he will run back to one of them like he always used to do........will i get over this or should i just throw in the towel........we have a daughter and she adores him. I do have feelings for him , but i feel like i can let go becuase i have hate feeling this insecure.......please help me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sometimes Time is a good healer, but he's more of a GP than a specialist, and often more is needed to clear up problems.
It's fair to try to patch things up, IF he recognizes that he caused a problem and needs to change his unfaithful behaviour, and it usually needs a therapist / marriage counsellor to help make the effort worthwhile. You can't just rely on his promises or claims that it won't happen again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Rick | 2010-02-19

Time DOES NOT heal. Lack of trust keeps on eroding away at you from the inside...its like an acid eating you away.

Once a cheat alweays a cheat, yes they may come back to you for awhile but soon enough they start up with their old nonsense.

Get rid of the looser and find someone who really loves you.

YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE INSECURITY IF YOU STAY.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: XXX | 2010-02-19

Trying to get together after an affair is a HUGE task as trust is then an issue.
It is not impossible but you both need to work extremely hard on getting back together.I marriage counsellor is definately part of the process.
Good luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010-02-19

Sorry to say, but from my point of view, infidelity is a VERY serious matter and a COMPLETE deal breaker. The guilty party has no excuse whatsoever for doing this. They show a complete disregard and disrespect for you, your family and and actually for themselves as well.

There can be no " I''m sorry" " it won''t happen again"  Its simply too late. In your heart you KNOW that you can never ever trust him again and the pain and insecurity you feel will be with you for the rest of your life

You, in forgiving him and trying again, has in fact validated his behavior. He feels confident that he has gotten away with it and you are now on the back foot. This confidence will grow the more he sees you being the underdog and there is always the chance that given the opportunity he will be a lot more careful not to be caught, but he will try it again. If there is this lack of morality in his make up, he will never change.

My advice is to call it a day. Get a divorce and get some really good maintenance that will cut his wings. Start a new life for yourself, you only have one remember, and stop punishing yourself. How can you still have " feelings"  for someone who has put you through all of this ??

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010-02-19

Sorry to say, but from my point of view, infidelity is a VERY serious matter and a COMPLETE deal breaker. The guilty party has no excuse whatsoever for doing this. They show a complete disregard and disrespect for you, your family and and actually for themselves as well.

There can be no " I''m sorry" " it won''t happen again"  Its simply too late. In your heart you KNOW that you can never ever trust him again and the pain and insecurity you feel will be with you for the rest of your life

You, in forgiving him and trying again, has in fact validated his behavior. He feels confident that he has gotten away with it and you are now on the back foot. This confidence will grow the more he sees you being the underdog and there is always the chance that given the opportunity he will be a lot more careful not to be caught, but he will try it again. If there is this lack of morality in his make up, he will never change.

My advice is to call it a day. Get a divorce and get some really good maintenance that will cut his wings. Start a new life for yourself, you only have one remember, and stop punishing yourself. How can you still have " feelings"  for someone who has put you through all of this ??

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Whena | 2010-02-19

You both need to go for couples counselling.

Time is not the great Dr it is made out to be

Reply to Whena
Posted by: James | 2010-02-19

I have been there and what you are feeling is normal, not pleasant though. Trust is such a big part of any relationship and if that is broken it takes a huge effort on the guilty party to try rebuild it. Needless to say my ex didnt believe she had done wrong and never tried to rebuild the trust and continued doing her thing. For your daughters sake I hope the guy (can think of other descriptions) decides to do the right thing as children are the biggest losers.

It will also tke a big effort on your part to get passed this if he puts in the effort. It is not an easy road to travel as the trust is not just replaced overnight. I would recommend counselling as well.

At the end of the day time is the best healer.

Reply to James
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-19

Sometimes Time is a good healer, but he's more of a GP than a specialist, and often more is needed to clear up problems.
It's fair to try to patch things up, IF he recognizes that he caused a problem and needs to change his unfaithful behaviour, and it usually needs a therapist / marriage counsellor to help make the effort worthwhile. You can't just rely on his promises or claims that it won't happen again.

Reply to cybershrink

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