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Question
Posted by: Visitor1 | 2011/09/19

Re:Advise pls!

HI Doc

THIS IS THE POST I SENT TO MAN TALK ON THE 12/09/2011.


I don''''t know where to begin, i have a BF, we staying together for 4yrs now but 12ys in a relationship, our LG is 3. The problem is 2yrs back he started cheating and i find out, as you know men sometimes tend to get away with things, we sorted out things and continue. Last year he changed, left me alone was moody al the time, no sex for some time, when there was one no forepay just get on and done with it. i tried to talk to him but he told me that if i''''m not satisfied with sex maybe i should get somebody to satsfy me.

I was lonely, had no one to talk to. I met a guy, went to bed with him. it was not a serious thing i knew from the begin, i guess i was stupid. Okay, he finds out, i don''''t how but he did. i came clean to him, i told him what he wanted to know. i told him everything that he was not there for me, i was lonely most of the time, weekend or no weekend it was the same. He admited his mistakes and he knows that he negleted me, so he wanted us to start afresh and whenever there''''s a problem we must talk about it and everything seems to be fine.

My family have a financial problem i had to hlep my mother, myy siblings and that made me suffer financially. We rent a flat but everything is fifty fifty, groceries rates, everything, sometim,es it gets boring because even if we going out out we should go fifty, last time when i took them (BF &  LG) out i paid for evrything which i didn''''t mind, for him i ca''''t remember when was the last time he took us out. he went out by himself the other Friday night while i wasn''''t there (God knows wih who).

When i ask hhim money it should be a loan, doesn''''t matter how much, R50, R20 doesn''''t matter. Even if i need the money to buy grocer i have to loan it and say when will i be bring it back. He started again with his moods, not giving me attention that ever women want, work the whole weekend till 17:00, i asked him several times that why he has changed not talking to me bored all the time, moody and said that i''''m always complaining about the relationship, said if i''''m not satisfied maybe i should get someone who get make happy. Now i find out that he''''s still seeing the girl he cheated me with 2yrs back. it broke my heart that the whole time i was a fool, playing a housewife to him. I told him that i''''m aware about his affair with that girl and he denied it tried to be so defensive and angry, he told me to leave him alone, i left him. we don''''t talk anymore since that conforntation day, but right now my heart is no longer hurt cause i know in my heart that i''''ve done so much to fix the relationship and he was the one who pushed me over and over again, now i''''m thinking of move out but haven''''t told him yet.

I''''m proud that i got angry alone without a man on my side without relying or find comfort in another man''''s arms.

I''''m sorry about the long post, i guess i needed to vent and get some advise!
Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Men only get away with things if we allow them to do so. Sounds as though the pair of you REALLY needed to see a couples counsellor much earlier than this. Sounds like h's given up on this or maybe any relationship, as his standard answer when you point out a problem is that you should get another man while he just gives up.
You seem to have been unsupportive of each other, and merely lonely together.
Maybe he didn't want to break up with you, but by ignoring you, hoped you'd leave, and leave him to his other woman ?
If you both actually want to make this relationship work, then do see a counsellor. IF neither of you want to do so, or one really wont work to help ensure it happens, maybe it's over already, ad it might be better to decalre it over, and each move on. BUT if you do separate, make sure you go to the Maintenance Court and ensure that he is required to pay maintenance for the child - people should not be encouraged to create children and then abandon them

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/19

Men only get away with things if we allow them to do so. Sounds as though the pair of you REALLY needed to see a couples counsellor much earlier than this. Sounds like h's given up on this or maybe any relationship, as his standard answer when you point out a problem is that you should get another man while he just gives up.
You seem to have been unsupportive of each other, and merely lonely together.
Maybe he didn't want to break up with you, but by ignoring you, hoped you'd leave, and leave him to his other woman ?
If you both actually want to make this relationship work, then do see a counsellor. IF neither of you want to do so, or one really wont work to help ensure it happens, maybe it's over already, ad it might be better to decalre it over, and each move on. BUT if you do separate, make sure you go to the Maintenance Court and ensure that he is required to pay maintenance for the child - people should not be encouraged to create children and then abandon them

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