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Posted by: Me | 2009-08-18

Re:3582

Yes,i think you have hit the nail on the head!The question is what do i do from here on.Was my question to the therapist aswell(i did not say im " walled"  up emosionally).I just said i will see how it goes,we dont know whats going on in the future.She was surprized and asked me but why do i feel like this way about the issues we discussed.(as if suddenly everything was now back to normal thanks to her).I just felt that it happend before where everything was hunky dolly,and bam i felt betrayed again.
How do i trust and open up again.I can slowly see now that maybe you are right in the sence that in my otherwise perfectly male husband ,they have this tendency sometimes to cross-dress otr do something else weird,why i dont know.But i understand its not nessasary a reflexion on his maleness or his love for me.And i honestly dont think he still cross-dress i just suspect(could be wrong) he is still persuing stuff around this on the internet.I would have felt less hurt if he surfed stuff about Porno,LOL.
What i dont understand is if he loves me so much,why does he not stop hurting me?His anger derives from his childhood,of that im certain.He was angry it his parents for doinng this to him,from depriving him of a happy childhood and a propper education ect,ectHe always feels like nothing in his life goes the way he wants to.I motivate him 100`s of times.He just dont see the positive in his life,and all this doesnt give me time to think about my life and about what i want.Just the last 6 mnths when he was at home i started wondering if i love him.
How do i open up again and start loving again?

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Our expert says:
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Well, better to it the nail on the head than to hit the head on the nail. So, even when things look like they're going well, based on your previous experience, you assume they'll go sour, and start reacting to the coming Sour rather than enjoying the present good bits.
As to WHY he might cross-dress, I doubt that he could tell you, or even tell himself. We are as we are, and often find ourselves inexplicable, even when others are demanding or at least expecting explanations. If he has switched from DOING cross-dressing to ocasionally looking at pictures of it on the web, isn't that an improvement to be grateful for ? Whatever he does that hurts you, might no be intended to hurt you, and he may not even understand how or why it hurts you --- or he may feel that whatyever he does will hurt you, so not recognize any realistic options for himself to do otherwise.
How you describe your view of his anger fits well the CBT model ; and reminds us that even if one's parents deprived us of a happy childhood, we cannot get ourselves a happy childhood by being angry now --- all we can dom is to deprive opurselves of a happ adult-hood. The habit of thinking negaively and seeing very through a negaive filter can be very powerful, and a hard habit to shift --- and that is something CBT focusses on.
When you ask how to open up and start loving again, you prove that you are asking the right sort of question. But there is no simple and quick answer, and it is in psychotherapy of the CBT sort that we can explore and find such answers.

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