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Posted by: Sweetie | 2011-09-01

Re post 865 - Ex husband now on drugs - update

Hi CS, thank you very much for your valuable input. I often visit this forum, even if it is only to be reminded that there are people who are much worse off than I. I also enjoy your humorous replies on some questions and the frank way in which you deal with postings. Finally got my ex husband to the rehab today, he is still in denial. I waited for him to arrive, sorted out his booking and admission. He looked so frail, confused and agitated, the therapist couldn''t believe that it was the same man whose picture I showed her. He must have lost about 20kg in less than two months! He told me that he has no money left and asked me to assist him with the car and bond payments. This, after he agreed to let me go a year ago without as much as a spoon! I carried my clothes out of a luxurious home in bin packets! He did not support the kids financially, both whom are at tertiary institutions. He terrrorised me and I had to take out a restraining order against him. After several sessions in therapy and a wasted attempt at having a normal relationship with someone new, I forgave him. All the while he was wining, dining and taking his companions to holiday and weekend breakaways. Now, after having lost everything, he claims that only I can help him. This is placing such a huge emotional burden on me. I also have a close uncle who is on his death bed and I would have to assist my family with the arrangements. I don''t have a support structure as my family live in another province. I am beginning to feel that it is too much for me. I occupy a senior post at my company and obviously this comes with a lot of strain. I cannot talk to anyone about how I feel and I cannot afford to be away from work at the moment. At times, while driving, I feel as if I cannot breathe and my heart starts racing. How do I deal with this? Yoga and meditation helped previously, but for the past two weeks I am suffering with insomnia.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu still seem to be doing so much for him, so he's hardly really Ex, is he ?
Its not your fault he has wasted all his money, and he can't expect you to carry his car and home bond costs, when only he enjoys these, and he ought to be making realistic plans to cut his expenses to fit what he can afford - maybe a small flat and using the bus ?
To forgive him, in the sense of seting yourself free to elad your own life, is wise. But to do so in the sense of continuing to sponsor his worthless way of life, is not.
He is WRONG when he says that now, having spent all his cash and burned all his bridges, only you can help him. Maybe he assumes that only you WILL help him, but that's different. Above all, HE can and MUST help himself, an option he seems uninterested in.
You MUST NOT sacrifice yourself and your children, emotionally or financially, for his sake. He must lie in the bed he has insisted on making for himself. And so long as you will sponsor him, he has no real need to change for the better or wiser.
How to deal with this is to cut him loose, reminding him that he is and must be his own responsibility, and that you have your own responsibilities to yourself and the kids, which must and will always come first. Remind him, too, that it is more than time that he took responsibility or all his own errors and for putting things right by his own eforts.
This is NOT a situation in which you should be treated or medicated so as to make the unacceptable feel acceptable.
Otherwise it's like someone with their hand pressed against a hot stove, as it's getting burned, asking for ointment. No. Switch off the stove and move away.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: I look forward............ | 2011-09-03

I look forward to Sweeties response now she may feel she has permission to move on................

Reply to I look forward............
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-09-03

YOu still seem to be doing so much for him, so he's hardly really Ex, is he ?
Its not your fault he has wasted all his money, and he can't expect you to carry his car and home bond costs, when only he enjoys these, and he ought to be making realistic plans to cut his expenses to fit what he can afford - maybe a small flat and using the bus ?
To forgive him, in the sense of seting yourself free to elad your own life, is wise. But to do so in the sense of continuing to sponsor his worthless way of life, is not.
He is WRONG when he says that now, having spent all his cash and burned all his bridges, only you can help him. Maybe he assumes that only you WILL help him, but that's different. Above all, HE can and MUST help himself, an option he seems uninterested in.
You MUST NOT sacrifice yourself and your children, emotionally or financially, for his sake. He must lie in the bed he has insisted on making for himself. And so long as you will sponsor him, he has no real need to change for the better or wiser.
How to deal with this is to cut him loose, reminding him that he is and must be his own responsibility, and that you have your own responsibilities to yourself and the kids, which must and will always come first. Remind him, too, that it is more than time that he took responsibility or all his own errors and for putting things right by his own eforts.
This is NOT a situation in which you should be treated or medicated so as to make the unacceptable feel acceptable.
Otherwise it's like someone with their hand pressed against a hot stove, as it's getting burned, asking for ointment. No. Switch off the stove and move away.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Also....... | 2011-09-02

Hi Asking
You ask some sensible questios - Sweeties reply would be interesting

Reply to Also.......
Posted by: Asking | 2011-09-02

Hi Sweetie
l would like to know why you are still involved with this man - what are your reasons for not behaving like someone who has divorced a man who was not good to her in the past?
Does he have some hold over you?
Could you explain why you just do not walk away?

Reply to Asking
Posted by: Anon | 2011-09-02

Dear Sweetie, one day, you will be rewarded for the good you have tried to do for him. But, is the best way of helping him not maybe letting him help himself a bit? He does need to take responsibility for his own life, and, while you are there to fall back on and clean up his mess all the time, he is never going to do it for himself.

You have led the horse to water by getting him to rehab, now he has to drink all on his own.

Let go, and live your life. He made the mess, allow him the privledge of cleaning up after himself. He is manipulating you, and you are allowing it.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Just SAying! | 2011-09-02

Why are you still entertaining him, a drug addict will only learn if he hit rock bottom and if you pay his bond and car he will never learn, actions has results. Sorry I dont want to sound heartless but I was in your shoes and I say walk away, you have done more than enough , he is you EX husband , move on and charity begins at home. I am at a point where I realised a drug addict will never change and My daughter needs protection, charity begins at home.

Clearly you have not move on, why are you trying to save him?

Reply to Just SAying!
Posted by: Phil | 2011-09-02

You are devorced! Charity begins at home  you first and your kids. Don''t ever let someone else drag you under! Right now  this man has messed up his life  and by the sounds of things you are letting hime slowly destroy you to. Yes you  you are allowing him to destroy you. His a grown man  if you don''t let him take responsibility for his own life  he will remain a leach forever. Yes this is cruel  but life is cruel. Look after yourself first  your kids right now only have you. Let his family take care of him. You have now done enough! Remember  he has a brain and should know that what he has been doing will have consequences. So let him loose all his stuff  may that teach him a good lesson. It was his choices and doing in any case.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: watchit! | 2011-09-01

There''s not much you can do, even if you could the toll will/is heavy on your life. Learn to be selfish! Yourself and your children ''must'' take prority! Don''t you dare feel obligated or guilty! good luck

Reply to watchit!
Posted by: WTF | 2011-09-01

You r being used get out of this permenantleY.

Reply to WTF
Posted by: Are u enjoying the drama? | 2011-09-01

He is an EX HUSBAND from whom you get no maintenance!
Why are still in this drama?
Legally you have no responsibility to him and you have mentioned earlier on post he has family - they are resonsible now.
Do not do this for the kids they are old enough to understand this is a lost cause.
Walk away and disengage - this is what divorce means!

Reply to Are u enjoying the drama?

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