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Question
Posted by: Sweetie | 2011/09/27

Re post 843 - Ex husband now on drugs

Dear doc,
I am dealing with the suicide of my ex husband, but not well. My daughter is receiving therapy. I''ve had to move back to the house,due to financial constraints and the legalities that need to be sorted. His mom lives with us for the mourning period. She is an incredibly strong, religious person, but has her off days. Yesterday was such a day when I arrived back from work and she told me that she was very sad and missed her son. This makes me feel awful. I have been contacting some of his friends to inform them of the memorial service and some of them (mostly female) have told me how he had loved me right until the end. Some females even told me that they could not continue in the relationship with him, because they knew how he felt about me. Some days I am angry with him for leaving me with the responsibility of debt, mortgage bond, kids, etc. There is now also a 2 week old daughter of his that needs to be taken care of. Other days I am incredibly sad that it became too much for him and that he gave up. I wish I could have tried harder to be there for him. I try to concentrate at work, but it is difficult. I am having restless nights, nightmares and even felt his angry spirit around me. Some people blame me for what he did, yet they do not know the full details of our life together. Why does this make me angry and sad? Why do they judge me? More hurtful is the fact that some of his family members blame me and yet they know the details of our life together. He threatened and attempted to kill me before and I had to take out a protection order against him. Yet, this is the one man that I loved with all my being and I had to use all my senses to walk out of a marriage that was doomed to destroy my being. I am tired of people commenting that I am a strong woman when all I really want to do is find a hole and lie down for a while.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Try to separate the appropriate feelings from inappropriate interpretations of them. There is no reason for you to feel guilty - he chose to harm himself, you didn't do that or cause that, indeed what he did was actually hostile towards all of you, at the least ignoring the anguish this would cause you.
He did bad and selfish things, but was also at times a nice guy, we feel sad and mourn the loss of the nice aspects of him, without ignoring the bad aspects. That you or anyone feels sad that he's gone, must not be allowed to be a cause of guilt for you. If he'd been hit by a train or earthquake, it would also have been sad, but maybe it'd have been harder for you to feel guilty about it.
Yes, he loved you, but that didn't stop him from acting in selfpdamaging ways that were hurtful to you. It is very appropriate for you to feel angry, too - he did leave you with many of his messes to clean up, and that wasn't fair.
You could n ot possibly have tried harder to be there for him, nor could anyone else ( nor would anyone else have even tried a fraction as hard as you did ).
His anger was directed against himself, with you being a side-victim. People who blame you for what he did are ignorant and foolish - and of course they were entirely welcome to have accepted the burden of caring for him, and chose not to do so.
And yes, when people praise you for being a "strong person" they're both being accurate, but also being grateful that your strength let and lets them off the hook, and enables them to feel they didn't have to and don't have to, be helpful.
See i you can find a counsellor to talk things through with, maybe through lifeline

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Honest Truth | 2011/09/27

Re read CS advice to you in post 704 and move on - forget his family and new child, they are not your responsibility.
Move into a 1 bed flat or cheap garden cottage with your kids and dont look back. You didnt need him when he was alive you dont need him now he is dead..................

Reply to Honest Truth
Posted by: Regular | 2011/09/27

Why have you inherited your ex husbands debt - l have never heard of a divorced spouse being responsible for an exs debt AFTER divorce?
His off spring from another woman is not your concern.
You HAVE to break away from this drama, your responsibility ENDED with divorce. His family were responsible for him after the divorce. You made the legal break now cut the ties emotionally!
l do not see you as a strong person but someone who likes to be a rescuer.
You must seek therapy to move on and cut all ties with the past for the sake of your children and yourself.Had you done this long ago things would have been easier now!

Reply to Regular
Posted by: Janice | 2011/09/27

I know you are feeling terrible right now, so please excuse me when I say the following- he was an ADULT. He had a brain, he had a choice, he knew of his responsibilities yet he chose to go on drugs instead of going for therapy or something when he wasn''t dealing with your split well. He chose the easy way out- to leave everyone else to deal with the mess. You leave, people judge you. You stay, people judge you. People will ALWAYS judge and it is up to you to decide whether you will allow their ignorance to get to you or not. It was NOT up to you to make sure he was happy.

Reply to Janice
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/27

Try to separate the appropriate feelings from inappropriate interpretations of them. There is no reason for you to feel guilty - he chose to harm himself, you didn't do that or cause that, indeed what he did was actually hostile towards all of you, at the least ignoring the anguish this would cause you.
He did bad and selfish things, but was also at times a nice guy, we feel sad and mourn the loss of the nice aspects of him, without ignoring the bad aspects. That you or anyone feels sad that he's gone, must not be allowed to be a cause of guilt for you. If he'd been hit by a train or earthquake, it would also have been sad, but maybe it'd have been harder for you to feel guilty about it.
Yes, he loved you, but that didn't stop him from acting in selfpdamaging ways that were hurtful to you. It is very appropriate for you to feel angry, too - he did leave you with many of his messes to clean up, and that wasn't fair.
You could n ot possibly have tried harder to be there for him, nor could anyone else ( nor would anyone else have even tried a fraction as hard as you did ).
His anger was directed against himself, with you being a side-victim. People who blame you for what he did are ignorant and foolish - and of course they were entirely welcome to have accepted the burden of caring for him, and chose not to do so.
And yes, when people praise you for being a "strong person" they're both being accurate, but also being grateful that your strength let and lets them off the hook, and enables them to feel they didn't have to and don't have to, be helpful.
See i you can find a counsellor to talk things through with, maybe through lifeline

Reply to cybershrink

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