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Question
Posted by: anne | 2012/08/02

re post 687

So I spoke to my bf regarding his swearing and disrespect for me (I think he disrespects women in general..). He asked me to help him change and admitted he has a problem. His answer to everything I raised was " you are right" !! Can a guy of 48 change his spots?
I said to him that the 2 fundamental things in a relationship are : communication and respect and both of those are basically non-existent. Also a way a couple fights, depicts the state of the relationship and the way we fight is that he rants and raves and I withdraw, so basically the issue does not get resolved.
Whenever I try to sort out " relationship"  issues, the topic always comes back to me and what am I doing to change my situation (I am unhappy at work and need to find my passion). I cant do this overnight and when I find something that draws me, I will make a move. But if someone pushes me into a direction, even if I am interested in it, I rebel.
I also raised his alcohol problem, he doesnt think he has a problem (denial!!!) but at the end he said I have a point.
I sometimes get the idea he asked me to move in for money purposes as he is really battling to make ends meet. Everyday he tells me how he is stressing about money. Even this morning he asked me if I have R500 000 to lend him to make it to the end of the year. He is trying to get his company off the ground and has used his bond to the max and used his savings. I am very money conscious and have worked hard to be financially sound, so I am not going to support a man!! In my mind and in this day and age, I can look after myself....all I ask is for a man to be able to support himself.
Do I give this man the benefit of the doubt and give it some more time?? I have told him I will give it to the end of this month and if things dont change, I will find alternative accommodation.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its never easy to change one's spots, and it grows more difficult as we grow older and have spent longer learning those spots. It'd be wisest for him to use the expert help of a counsellor to help him do that, just as it would be more likel to be successful for the pair of you to see a couples counsellor, than to try to wing it on your own.
Sounds like in your own discussions, he tries to push the emphasis onto what you should do about your problems, removing the emphasis on what HE needs to do.
Dealing with his alcohol problem also needs expert input, whether from a shrink that deals with such problems, or AA.
Alcoholims is an expensive hobby, but one must wodner why an adult in employment,should want and need such an enormous loan - where does all his money go ? Are their drugs, or gambling involved, as well as alcohol ?
Its a fine thing to start a new business, but one needs to start small, and financially cautious, not to spend everything you have or can borrow, and then need more, before anything is earning anything.
Too many people who could be successful working for someone else, in a company, waste very large sums of money on starting doomed businesses, because they just don't have the necessary skills. Its really not everyone who can pull off such startups.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/03

Its never easy to change one's spots, and it grows more difficult as we grow older and have spent longer learning those spots. It'd be wisest for him to use the expert help of a counsellor to help him do that, just as it would be more likel to be successful for the pair of you to see a couples counsellor, than to try to wing it on your own.
Sounds like in your own discussions, he tries to push the emphasis onto what you should do about your problems, removing the emphasis on what HE needs to do.
Dealing with his alcohol problem also needs expert input, whether from a shrink that deals with such problems, or AA.
Alcoholims is an expensive hobby, but one must wodner why an adult in employment,should want and need such an enormous loan - where does all his money go ? Are their drugs, or gambling involved, as well as alcohol ?
Its a fine thing to start a new business, but one needs to start small, and financially cautious, not to spend everything you have or can borrow, and then need more, before anything is earning anything.
Too many people who could be successful working for someone else, in a company, waste very large sums of money on starting doomed businesses, because they just don't have the necessary skills. Its really not everyone who can pull off such startups.

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