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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/06/07

Q.

RE: Post 595 - Stepson Lied - Continues

Stepmom - I hope you read this and show it to your husband:

I want to cry for this little boy...... for just 1 moment, think about how this little guy must feel.
Abandoned by his mother, then abandoned by his father.... yet he looks at his siblings and wonder, why do they get to live with daddy and not me, what did I do wrong.? I wish that child was mine so I could just hold him, love him talk to him, care for him and give him what he needs to be the best he could be under his AWEFULL circumstances.

Can you not see that STEPMOM? If you read this, print this out and show is to his PATHETIC father.....

It''s his father''s responsibility to take care of him while he is still here to do so!

So very very sad...

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink

I so much agree this is a major part of what I was trying to say in my own response. Though maybe not the sort of bad behaviour most people picture, this father is truly abusive.
Is it possible, a least, for YOu to talk to the boy, explaining how sorry you feel about what has heppened to him, and how unfair you think it has been - and how you have tried in many ways to get his father to treat him properly, and feel as powerless as he, the boy, does ?
One wonders whether there would be any value in consulting Child Welfare people about this, to see if they can intervene. Maybe if you were to be given joint custody, you could be in a better position to protect the lad ?

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7
user comments
Posted by: Stepmom | 2012/06/08

Thanks so much! I will try my best.

I love the " ask him to share his cake"  bit :-)

Reply to Stepmom
Posted by: Anon | 2012/06/08

sorry i meant...
HE will respect you for that one day and love you just as much!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anon | 2012/06/08

Hi Stepmom,

I hear you and can somehow understand your frustration.

If it was me I would handle this situation by myself whether his father like it or not. Take his son aside and hold him tight and in a loving manner tell him that you can see he is hurt by all that has happened in his life, tell him that you understand and that you would like to help him in anyway possible to feel loved and cared fore. But also tell him that he will have to contribute too, he will have to show you and the other kids the same respect as they have shown him. (I would not expect him to fully respect his father as his father has never shown any respect himself). Just make sure you tell him time and again that you love him (I believe you do) and that you understand how he feels (even if you don''t), relate to him and maybe he will open up to you about his exact feelings and even start to settle down. What he needs is positive attention, and some tough love too when necessary. Would be great if he''s father could participate but it''s unlikely.
I know if should not be your responsibility to care for this boy but at the moment YOU are the only responsible adult he has, be his MOMMY (not his stepmom) and show him the love he deserves. I will respect you for that one day and love you just as much!

Good Luck and don''t give up, fight for that little boy and pray to God that he will change his fathers ways....

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Purple | 2012/06/08

In the two months that he is with you, sit and do his homework with him every day.

Take all the children including him out for an ice cream or to a park together and let them play - play a ball game with them so that everyone is involved.

Ask him if he will share the cake with everyone and that you and him can then together bake biscuits or muffins or something else to also share with everyone for next week.

Spend some alone time with him and tell him that although you are not his parent, that you want to be a special adult in his life that he can talke to about how he is feeling and about school, and tell him that if ever he needs help with his homework or with projects that he should phone you and you will try to help him over the phone. Let him know you are there to turn to.

As you build a relationship with him, he will come to trust you more and stop telling lies about you and at least have one stable adult presence in his life.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Stepmom | 2012/06/08

The boy is not resentful towards me (as CS thought) because i came 2 years after the mother left. The child was already living with his gran parents from 13 months for the next 5 years.

He even calls his granny " mamma" . As she is illiterate i wanted him to come home before he went to school but it was just never done. Every year when school grades are worsening i kept on saying please let me help him. But it just does not happen.

All i can do is to keep the peace. Too protect those in the house from him hurting them, breaking their stuff etc. You dont understand the father does not punish any of his children. Everything is left to me. If i ask his help i dont get it.

But i will not let him disrupt our household. I will not let him break their toys. I will not let him hurt them. Yes it might not be his fault but it''s also not right towards the others or my own. He will have to learn there are rules and respect for others when living with us. Its not his granny''s house that he can do whatever he likes.

Reply to Stepmom
Posted by: Stepmom | 2012/06/08

I can print and give this to the father like I have done with many things. I can book appointments with educational Psychologists. I can beg and plead that he stay with us that i can help him with his school work so he stops failing. I can say his sister and brother will help with homework. I can say, do, print, whatever the father is the boss of this child if you can understand that.

Once before the courts said these children no longer have to go to their mother he begged that he does not go to his mother for the weekend his gran mother said I cannot do anything about that you have to speak to your father. The child looked at us all and said " can someone anyone who is the boss of daddy please tell him" . He went to his mother.

I am powerless. The child will stay with us for 2 months now while the gran parents are gone. I asked my husband yesterday please when he comes lets all sit around the dining room table and discuss this, clear the air, go on together and yeah well. Although he agreed it just did not happen, he pushed me away when i tried to force it last night.

I do not have a son, to me he could have been the son i never had. I was prepared to give my all and help but my help it thrown back in my face. He is and will be raised by his gran parents and he will continue to do bad at school and the division or wall between his siblings and himself will continue to grow.

Its sad. Its hopeless. Its heartless. But at least at his gran parents house he gets - what - ? Love or just everything he wants?

Arghrhrhhdsjjdhhhhhh its just so frustrating. Whatever I do, do it will not fix anything in 2 months. He is sent to us last night with a cake, everyone is told not to touch the cake as the granny baked is just for him. Now what do you think the other kids think about this? People are so stupid and cruel. But its not my fight and i can do nothing about it. I''ve tried and tried.

If i cant even get the gran parents or the father to talk about this to sit down and discuss this what''s left to do?

I have no right i have no power i have no control or custody.

Reply to Stepmom
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/08

I so much agree this is a major part of what I was trying to say in my own response. Though maybe not the sort of bad behaviour most people picture, this father is truly abusive.
Is it possible, a least, for YOu to talk to the boy, explaining how sorry you feel about what has heppened to him, and how unfair you think it has been - and how you have tried in many ways to get his father to treat him properly, and feel as powerless as he, the boy, does ?
One wonders whether there would be any value in consulting Child Welfare people about this, to see if they can intervene. Maybe if you were to be given joint custody, you could be in a better position to protect the lad ?

Reply to cybershrink

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