Posted by: Anon | 2013-02-20

RE: Post 508

Hi CS,

Another question.

My husband is very distraught about this whole situation, he is very disappointed at his dad and angry at his mom but last night he was a little teary and told me that he really misses he''s parents as they''ve always been close and communicated at least once every 2nd week or so, he didn''t expect anything like this to happen to him. I can see that he doesn''t know what to do but I don''t want him to think that he has anything to feel guilty about.

1. Should I show him POST 508 and your reply? I don''t want him to think I HATE he''s family, because I don''t.
2. How can I make this easier for him?

He is struggling to come to terms with this.

Just to highlight:

He is the middle brother of the 3 of them, he''s eldest brother live in Perth with his wife (very successful), he''s youngest brother lives in JHB with he''s wife. He''s the 1st and only one with kids at the moment.

Also, he''s always been labelled the " black sheep"  of the family mostly because of he''s hyperactiveness as a child, slight bat ears (really not that bad at all but everyone still teases him about it).

All of this still have an effect on him after all these years and I think he tries to CONSTANTLY impress his parents and with what has happened he now feels...." who knows what" ....????
Not sure myself as he is quite distant at the moment about all of this.

Your response would be appreciated.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sad indeed. Apparently he feels, not unusually, conflicted loyalties. I have no idea how he might react if you showed him my reply - I know a little about you, from your message, I know nothing about him. He probably wouldn't like the way I characterized his mother !
SOme kids, and interestingly its often those who don't receive so much direct and unambiguous love, are trained to fel they have to EARN love and approval from their parents, rather than receiving the unconditional love every child should get. So if the parents, especially the mother, are acting offended, even if the issue was their own darn fault, he will feel insecure and upset.
But if I understood your original message, he had the sense and courage to back you in Dub ai and move with you to a hotal, making it clear her rages were unacceptable. Maybe congratulate him and support him on this show of honour and bravery in standing up for himself and his children and his wife.

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