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Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

RE: My wife and the other man

Just an update. Chapter two three and four in now written. Today I''ll go for therapy, because Andre does not know what to do anymore. She is not going with...
Are we still together? For the moment yes, but I hope she''ll still be there by the time I get home this afternoon (and tomorrow afternoon and the one thereafter)
Does she still love the other guy? I believe not because his real colors and intentions have show.
Would she still leave me because of " this whole issue"  and the way I handled it... Maybe, I do not know.

It this tough to go through? Most difficult crises I have ever handled.

Am I going to succeed? I believe so!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course it's tough, and I hope things work out well for you, indeed for both of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bonatelli6 | 2011/03/09

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Posted by: peppav | 2011/03/09

Reply to peppav
Posted by: Zee | 2011/02/25

Sorry Andre, but now deserve everything coming to you. You can take the healing process on yoru own and move on. Or take it with her and let it eat your heart out for the rest of your life. I am sorry for what happened to you. But you admitting she even still loves the other guy and you actually hoping she will see his through colours? WTF. Maybe you might be the supporter and softie, but he satifies her in so many other ways that you can do/ manage. And then what. Good luck thou.

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2011/02/24

Gee man, you ARE a sucker for punishment ! Someone once asked why abused woman kept going back to their abusive husbands and the answer was that they actually enjoyed their pain and embraced it as a form of self punishment. You strike me as being like that. If you can live with the idea that your wife not only has been intimate with at least one other guy while you have been married, but that by the sounds of it she will only be happy to do it over and over as it suits her. What can I say other than you are a very different type of person to myself.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Just Saying! | 2011/02/24

Andre

Been there done that and got the t-shirt, Het ook destyds vir die selfde ou storietjies geval en my gat gebrand, cheaters is self sugtig en sal altyd ''n verskoning he vir hulle optrede, hoe kan sy gevoelens he vir ''n ander man as sy jou vrou is, die feit bly staan sy wil jou nie he nie maar wil ook nie dat iemand anders jou het nie, komaan jy is ''n groot mens en kan mos die hele prentjie sien, maar die feit bly staan jy wil nie, daai kraak is so groot dat nie eers polyfiller dit kan reg maak nie, dit is goed dat jy gaan vir counseling want jy gaan dit nodig he, jou selfsugtige vroutjie hou jou net aan in case dinge nie uit werk met haar ''soulmate'' nie, dit is emotional cheating en jy kan nie regtig glo dat hulle nie saam geslaap het op die stadium kan jy niks glo wat sy se nie, jy kan haar nie vertrou nie , ek het my ex soveel kanse gegee tot op ''n dag dat ek in die spieel gekyk en nie gehou het van wat ek sien nie, desperate lojale vrou vir ''n muishond wat net na sy eie " needs"  omgesien het en besef het dat hy my net aanhou sodat ander mans my nie kan kry nie, na die egskeiding het hy dit erken. maak jou oe oop anders gaan jy eendag damage goods wees.

Reply to Just Saying!
Posted by: Chris758 | 2011/02/24

I also found out that my wife cheated on me. She slept with this man and spend days with him! Andre I so know how you feel and you do want your marraige to go on and be great but this is not going to happen.

When you finally start experiencing the feeling that you cannot trust her, and that will come, you will start realising that things are much worse than what you thought. She does not love you and that is why she is having all these conversations with other men on facebook!! And they are not talking about the weather, believe me!!

Did she say she is sorry and that she still loves you and are willing to save your marraige? This is very important!! But just be honest to your doctor when you see him and talk to him about how you really feel.

I hope all goes well!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: TG | 2011/02/23

LI, have you experienced this in your marriage? Did your spouse F around? And then you found out and you left him because of this?

Reply to TG
Posted by: ll | 2011/02/23

not sad at all, a realist. But hey, if you think it is fine sleeping around while married, and just because you LOVE your spouse all is fine.....go for it!

I, for one, believe a marriage should be monogamous. Those who want to f about are welcome to it.....but for me, no.

Reply to ll
Posted by: TG | 2011/02/23

I read this and I am so gratefull that I did not listen to the negative comments 5 years ago when I was in the same boat as Andre.
I came to this forum for support and advice when my husband did this same thing to me. Some people encouraged me to try and make things rite. Some (most) said leve him, you cannot trust him., and many other things. i decided to listen to the positive people, maybe bacause I wanted to and was not ready to let go. I am so glad I did my life is great. Andre I wish you the same. LI, you are sad. I am sory things did not work out for you.

Reply to TG
Posted by: ll | 2011/02/23

mark my words....its over. Of course you love her, but love is not enough to stay married.

you will be back on this site......soon.....when she either does it again or the distrust is eating you up inside.

Only THEN will you realise how right we were.

Reply to ll
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

Staan sterk ou. Net diegene wat hierdeur is kan jou emosies verstaan.

Mense sal so gou vir jou se " Los Haar" , " Dis Verby"  ens ens ens. Maar dit is diegene wat nog nooit deur so iets was nie en dit nie verstaan nie.

WARE Liefde is die moeite werd om voor te baklei.

Reply to Andre
Posted by: just saying! | 2011/02/23

Hoe kan jy haar vertrou as sy jou two time met ''n ander man, dit noem jy emotion cheating, waarom moet jy jammer se as sy opgeneuk het ,nee wat voel nie jammer vir haar nie, voel jammer vir jou wat nog in denial is , dit is verby,

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

They never slept together but that is besides the point.

Ja Cutie, dankie... Pateties, nee, desperaat - baie. Oop (enige tyd lol). Nee, oop en eerlik - was nog nooit so oop en eerlik met haar soos die laaste paar weke nie. Sy en die ander ou kom al n lang pad en miskien is daar liefde, en lust, en passie... Maar so what, ek ek kan haar uit haar sokkies " romance"  en het ook.

Be right back...

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Cutie | 2011/02/23

Andre, jy kan die een doen ou, ek is seker.
''n Paar voorstelle:-
Moenie pateties wees nie.
Moenie smeek en desperaat voorkom nie, eerder oop en eerlik.
Verstaan, Verstaan, Verstaan, Verstaan
Gee haar spasie om te dink.
Onthou: She is probably not in Love with the other guy, she is in LUST. And believe me.... lust goes away.

Reply to Cutie
Posted by: Husband | 2011/02/23

But she took away YOUR dignity by sleeping with someone else.
You cannot possibly describe her as a GREAT wife if she does not keep her wedding vows.
No doubt she may be unbelivably sexy but she shares this with another and you!
I think you are deluded and not thinking straight.

Reply to Husband
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

Husband: I will not let the last bit of dignity she still has be taken from her at this forum... I posted here for MY benefit, not to make her name bad.

PS, She is still a GREAT wife and an Incredible woman, not to talk about how unbelievably sexy the lady within her is.

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Husband | 2011/02/23

But you have already told us she cheated on you and chats to other men on Face Book . l think the damage has been done, l also doubt she has access to your work mail. What are you hiding?

Reply to Husband
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

Husband, this is an open forum... I also don''t want her to read this and know I went to the " net"  with our private issues...

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

Cutie, EK het dit reeds gedoen. Die oomblik toe ek dit uitgevind het. Ek stel nie eers belang om te weet wat tussen hulle gebeur het of nie gebeur het nie.

Vertroue... Is soos geloof. Of jy het dit of jy het dit nie. Na 15 jaar wat ons saam is vertrou ek haar volkome.

Wat haar aanbetref. Sy moet dear daai fases SELF gaan. Kom ons wees eerlik, sy het sekerlik lief geraak of ten minste gevoelens vir die ander ou ontwikkel. So sy verloor eintlik ook iets hierdeur maak nie saak wie sy " kies"  nie. So sit ek my in haar skoene, kan ek verstaan dat sy: Verlies ly, kwaad is, teleurgesteld is, skaam is, hartseer is, dearmekaar is... moet ek aangaan?
Ek het haar lief, en deur dit alles kry ek haar inig jammer. Niemand wil seer oor jouself bring nie. En vir haar om belangstelling te getoon het se noodwendig dat ek ook maar skuld het aan alles... En dit le in die ure wat ek gewerk het, kommunikasie ens.

So wat ek bedoel is ek aanvaar die goed en ek weet dit gaan moeilik wees, en ek sien kans daarvoor, solank dit saam met HAAR is. Ek wil oud word saam met HAAR.
Maar sy is op die stadium dearmekaar en seer en kan nie weet watter kant toe nie. So ek weet nie of sy hiervoor kans sien nie... En ek kan nie van haar verwag om n besluit te maak in haar noem dit " toestand"  nie.

Dis hoekom ek se ek is onseker of sy vanaand, more en oormore daar gaan wees... Maar ek is seker dat ek ALLES in my vermoe sal doen sodat wanneer sy n besluit maak, sy weet en kan sien dat ek ENIGE iets sal doen en haar ONVOORWAARDELIK lief sal he en vertrou!!!

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Husband | 2011/02/23

You are going to have to be clearer in therapy so as to not waste time. Remember you are paying by the minute. Try to frame your thoughts concisely.
ie having an affair does not make her a bad woman but it does make her a terrible wife.
Also do not be evasive but exact,issues need to be specifically aknowleded not just lumped together and spoken about in general.
You are not coming across as transparent re past incidancies in this marriage.

Reply to Husband
Posted by: Cutie | 2011/02/23

Hello Andre

Ek verstaan. Jy is duidelik baie lief vir haar en ''n fout of twee behoort reg gemaak te kan word. Dis altyd baie baie moeilik om iemand weerte vertrou na so iets maar as daar ''n wil is dan is daar ''n weg.

Die belangrikste ding is dat mens, nadat jy deur al die fases van die proses gegaan het en die besluit geneem het om voort te gaan " come hell or high water" , dan moet mens terselfde tyd die besluit neem om vorentoe te kyk saam en die verlede te los. Dit is natuurlik baie moeilik maar uiters noodsaaklik. kan jy dit doen?

Reply to Cutie
Posted by: Real Man | 2011/02/23

But the roaches are FIGHTING back and overthrowing dictatorships, so violence is solving the problem!

Reply to Real Man
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

No, it’ s not a situation of I did this now you do that. I''m not making this point correct cause you don’ t understand. Let me try and rephrase.

I''m not willing to split up because of this. I believe as long as we still love each other and WANT to work through this why should we split?
Yes, it happened. I''m not in denial about it. But we move on. She is not a bad woman or wife because of this. All of us have our mistakes but that does not give us the right to judge other people, just because we believe our mistakes is not so " bad" .

Does it make sense?

Reply to Andre
Posted by: NBF | 2011/02/23

What are these other issues? What have you done to her that is so bad that she says you cannot throw stones?

Reply to NBF
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

Real Man... Solving? The are shooting everybody that disagree. The " presidents"  own words were they are -|- roaches and should be chased away. So, what you are saying: If this situation/person does not suit you... Just him of run away from it... That solves the problem. COME ON!! ???

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Woman | 2011/02/23

And aren''t you relieved that somebody is going to help you? It takes a real man to stand up and seek help. Good for you! Good luck, I hope this works out for you.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

No, all I''m saying is allot of the people on the other thread said I must leave her and the called her names etc. So, I don''t believe just because of this one incident we should be splitting up... Why for this issue. What makes this worse than other issues?
Any case. So NBF to answer your question. No I have not.
But some people on this forum are judging her unfairly.

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Real Man | 2011/02/23

Violence is solving the problem of non democracy in Lybia and Eygpt, etc - so you cannot say violence solves nothing.

Reply to Real Man
Posted by: NBF | 2011/02/23

Throwing stones? are you saying you cheated on her in the past?

Reply to NBF
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

*Decisions

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/23

Uhm... I don''t know.
She made some wrong dissections which we worked through. I then acted in anger and made the matters worse since the weekend. So the BIG issue for us is the way forward.
She now gets crucified over one error in judgment... Well, " Let him without any sin through the first stone at her" ?

I Mr Nampy Pampy read this. I believe you are wrong in so many levels. Violence does not solve ANYTHING! In fact it makes it worse.

Reply to Andre
Posted by: New best friend | 2011/02/23

Glad you worked through your fear of therapy. Pity she is not going with, can you tell us why she is not joining you?

Reply to New best friend
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/23

Of course it's tough, and I hope things work out well for you, indeed for both of you.

Reply to cybershrink

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