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Question
Posted by: Blue | 2012-07-23

re Molestation

I was very little when it started, I think 5, my cousin, (8 years older that I am), touched me and stroked/rubbed by private parts, it happened regularly when we used to visit my gran. Then his younger brother (6 years older than me) , my eldest brtother (10 years older than me) and my other 2 brothers, 6 and 3 years older than I am also used to " explore"  me. My brother that is 6 years older that me took my virginity (with his finger) when I was about 9 and me and my brother that is 3 years older than me attempted intercourse when I was also about 9.

The problem is that I do not realy know what of this will be classified as molestation etc. I feel so numb with regards to this, I did nothing to stop it from happening, I just let them use me any way they see fit. I do not understand why I was so eager to please them. I have never told anybody. I only told my ex husband about only about the virginity thing, he was my 1st and wanted to know why I was not a virgin, I told him and he always used to mention it when he wanted to belittle my family. The issue is also that I still love my brothers, I am sometimes thinking that I must contront them with it, but mostly just believe to let sleeping dogs lie. I have been thinking about it recently again and feel tainted, like I am a week person that could not stand up for her rights. I function as an independant adult woman of 40, married with a wonderfull husband with 2 little boys, that I protect like a maniac. But feel that I have not shared this with him and is also not sure if I can. How will he react to my brothers when he see them again, surely he will not want us to see my family. I am so confused. I am also quite obsesive about protecting my sons from this type of thing happening to them. Then I wonder, where was my parents in all of this. We grew up in such a strick household, how could these things happen to me. Sorry for the confusing mail.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Classification is a theoretical or legal exercise ; lasting impact is what matters most for the individuals involved. Various forms of sexual exploration and play between children of different ages is more common than most people seem to think. What is probably most relevant in terms of its later significance is how it is interpreted by the target individual, whether there is coercion, whether it is experienced as interesting or pleasurable or as horrible and unwelcome.
Similarly, when the children are close in age, it is usually viewed less seriously than when there is a significant age gap - for instance, in your story, for a 15-year-old to do this with a child of 6 is probably more serious than where the ages were similar.
And it gets complicated - there is probably something significantly wrong with the family dynamics of a family where so many older male children sexually exploited a younger sister.
Its common for the younger child to passively accept what happens, especially when it seems to have been a family pattern - it is not fair to blame yourself or feel guilty. And in one way or another one is usually sworn to secrecy.
As a young child one actually rather readily acepts what we're told, without having the experience to question everything.
YOu are not a weak person who failed to stand up for her rights - you were a really young child, not aware of what her rights were ; and not empowered to feel able to stand up for whatever rights she was aware of.
Its understandable too that you feel love for your brothers, for other reasons, even if some of what they did was definitely not loveable.
Its fair to ask where your parents were, and why they didn't realize what was happening or protect you - but presumably these boys took care not to let the parents recognize what was happening.
Sadly, this sort of thing may even happen a bit more easily in "strict" families, in which sex is not talked about, and it is even more difficult for an exploited younger child to feel able to talk about this with any adult.
What you need to do is to see a good local psychologist for psychotherapy, to talk through all this, to better understand your reactions and to work your way through it.
Do NOT try to "confront" those boys on your own. There a lot of dangerous twaddle preached by amateur meddlers suggesting that "confrontation" is either necessary or automatically helpful - this is absolutely not so.
Fortunately, while such experiences are sadly common and distressing, they do not too often cause significant problems, and you can work through this with the right help and emerge undamaged and confident and at peace
More useful to start with a counsellor on your own side, to work this through and later make an informed decision about what, if anything, further to do, and wh, if anyone else, to tall about it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Auth | 2012-08-06

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Reply to Auth
Posted by: ME2 | 2012-07-26

Hi
I am 35 yrs and more or less same happend with me, started at around 6 yrs with cousins etc. Always wondered if Ithere was something wrong with me and am I wrong now for not telling anyone. But i just feel better not telling anyone, form of protection against judgement I guess. Sometimes I really want to open up to someone but just set it aside. I was also a virgin when I was married but as you lots of exploration.

Reply to ME2
Posted by: the same | 2012-07-24

This is interesting since I had the same question these days
we were 3 children I had a brother 4 years older than me and a brother 5 years younger than me. Also from a strict family where we never talked about these things. First it was my older brother touching me and " playing games with me"  then my younger brother started and I always went along with the " games" 
It never bothered me back then but now that I'' 30 also wonder if it was so wrong or common with children? I also feel guitly towards my husband (i was a virgin when married) but also had alot of exploring behind me. Wonder if my brothers also think about this sometimes. And I do feel dirty. But is this the same than actual abuse? I wonder how many people did have experiences like this when they were small ?

Reply to the same
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-07-23

Classification is a theoretical or legal exercise ; lasting impact is what matters most for the individuals involved. Various forms of sexual exploration and play between children of different ages is more common than most people seem to think. What is probably most relevant in terms of its later significance is how it is interpreted by the target individual, whether there is coercion, whether it is experienced as interesting or pleasurable or as horrible and unwelcome.
Similarly, when the children are close in age, it is usually viewed less seriously than when there is a significant age gap - for instance, in your story, for a 15-year-old to do this with a child of 6 is probably more serious than where the ages were similar.
And it gets complicated - there is probably something significantly wrong with the family dynamics of a family where so many older male children sexually exploited a younger sister.
Its common for the younger child to passively accept what happens, especially when it seems to have been a family pattern - it is not fair to blame yourself or feel guilty. And in one way or another one is usually sworn to secrecy.
As a young child one actually rather readily acepts what we're told, without having the experience to question everything.
YOu are not a weak person who failed to stand up for her rights - you were a really young child, not aware of what her rights were ; and not empowered to feel able to stand up for whatever rights she was aware of.
Its understandable too that you feel love for your brothers, for other reasons, even if some of what they did was definitely not loveable.
Its fair to ask where your parents were, and why they didn't realize what was happening or protect you - but presumably these boys took care not to let the parents recognize what was happening.
Sadly, this sort of thing may even happen a bit more easily in "strict" families, in which sex is not talked about, and it is even more difficult for an exploited younger child to feel able to talk about this with any adult.
What you need to do is to see a good local psychologist for psychotherapy, to talk through all this, to better understand your reactions and to work your way through it.
Do NOT try to "confront" those boys on your own. There a lot of dangerous twaddle preached by amateur meddlers suggesting that "confrontation" is either necessary or automatically helpful - this is absolutely not so.
Fortunately, while such experiences are sadly common and distressing, they do not too often cause significant problems, and you can work through this with the right help and emerge undamaged and confident and at peace
More useful to start with a counsellor on your own side, to work this through and later make an informed decision about what, if anything, further to do, and wh, if anyone else, to tall about it.

Reply to cybershrink

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