Posted by: BEW | 2013-02-05


Apologies, if maybe my post was not really clear. I do have memories etc of what is being called abuse. It is a reality to me. My question was why would I make all kinds of other excuses for it and for the person your perputrated this, and be so afraid to say the actual words out loud or to acknowledge them as being truth. Flashbacks, memories, feelings are all there. But I cannot name it without utter panic setting in.

Hope this makes more sense.

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OK, thanks for claifying. Sorry if my response seemed a bit fierce ! My concern was that this might be the invasion of SA by the "Recovered Memory" fanatics who have demonstrably done so very much damage in America.
But now I see what you mean. You were apparently long aware of things hat had happened, but maybe had not "clicked" on recognizing them as abuse, until, describing them to someone, they helped you to recognize what this was ? Is that more like it ?
When we're young, espeecially as a child, its far more difficult to understand what is going on, or to have a name for it. When adults are involved, we tend to assume that even if it were unpleasant, its how things are supposed to be. Often we try not to think about it, because it makes us uncomfortable to do so. When the perpetrator is a parent or someone else on whom one is dependent, its hard for us to see anything one can do about it anyway.
And then as we grow up, maybe something someone says, or a movie we see, or some other event reminds us of what happend and in the context of recognizing it as having been abusive, and we feel bad.
Abusers usually try to convince us that this is all our fault, that we are to blame for what THEY did to us. Untrue of course, but we can easily become convinced of it.
As a child, and even more so as one grows older, one also tends, especially where one has ambivalent feelings about the perp, to make excuses for them ( even where they hadn't bothered to embed such excuses in our memories.
Look at the issue of abused wives, who so often fail to leave the person brutalizing them, forgive him when he doesn't deserve forgiveness, and believe his lies when he promises not to do it again. This is a continuing mystery for many trying to understand such situations.
COunselling with a good psychologist will help you to examine your own specific situations, and understand how you can move on, beyond this, and recover your autonomy and confidence.

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