Posted by: Kelly | 2012-11-15

Re. Cutting

Hi Guys!
Just wanted to say thanks to Laatiqa for giving her side of the story and saying I''d be a great mom lol
I also just wanted to say something.
When I was about 14 I had issues re. my weight, I was prob. under 40kg and rather tiny but started ''filling out'' but in my mind I thought I was getting fat.So I used to make myself throw-up after eating. After about a month my mom discovered.

She immediately made me know that she was not going to allow that behaviour in her house. She took the key out of the bathroom and said it was my choice whether I wanted to eat or not. She took my rooms key too. whenever I went to the bathroom and she suspected I was doing it she would come in and check.
Man it was horrible, I had no privacy but hey I was forced to stop and after a month or 2 even that urge to do it completely faded.

I became occupied with other things, good things and that was that.
Also I ate because I was not going to go hungry with the delicious foods my mom made lol

Anyways as with the debate on the whole cutting issue I just think that parents are too quick to be running to psychologists to sort their problems out, putting their teens on meds that they dont need and just being way too soft on them. Teens today are spoilt for choice, teach them responsibilty for their actions but also provide them with support, advise and mostly love.

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Our expert says:
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Interesting discussion all round. I have studied and researched cutting in the past and written some major textbook chapters about it in previous years. An important aspect raised in some of the posts is that once the emotional storms are over, people can be severely embarrassed by the scars, so the lasting traces of temporary impulses may endure longer than one thinks at the time.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Leila | 2012-11-17

At last some sense prevailed. Jazz, you just put everything in a concise and comprehensive way. You are right - why all the hate - I dont understand why people spew so much hatred when they dont agree with someone else''s views, its almost like they''r defending themselves for the shortcomings that they have.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: JAZZ | 2012-11-17

Leesa - This post is not about you i agree with Kelly''s intial post because if you were really over it you wouldnt have used this medium to tell a bunch of strangers your issues and the entire essay you wrote was unneccesary. In my opinion your entire post was an attempt at attention. I will agree though that after reading your post i felt for you but you are dwelling love... as you said you turned out to be the better person so why not live for the now and not what used to be, because evidently you hurting yourself... adcodols and rum is no joke you made it through that for a reason and someone up there is looking out for you. And that is something great if you ask me

and everyone else whats with all the hate? this medium is suppossed to be with no judgement its people like you who are so quick to judge people on their opinions that make society what it is today and thats sick. We are all entitled to our own opinion like Kelly and Me who are against self harm and those who want to have a more severe story than the next so that they have a reason to complain. I dont recall Kelly calling anyone names yet you call her " ignorant and closed minded"  thats just judgemental PERIOD.

Reply to JAZZ
Posted by: Anon | 2012-11-17

Lilly, I didn''t ACUSE anyone of child abuse, I said that publicly shaming a child is BORDERING on child abuse FOR ME. I''m glad your daughter is fine and happy, that''s great, but like Jenna said in this thread - there are kids commiting suicide due to bullying, not all kids are equally strong when dealing with these kinds of things. And of course it''s our job to teach them to toughen up a bit because not everyone is going to be kind to them in life, but to humilate a child as way to shame them out of bad behavior seems like a rotten parenting tool to me.
If a colleague brought something like that to work, I wouldn''t be the only one wondering ''what the hell'', when a parent turns their child''s personal issues (attention seeking or not) into cheap gossip, I would feel embarrased for the mom and sorry for the girl and wonder how her homelife is going and how the mom treats her behind closed doors because we don''t know. If it was a reacurring thing the ladies here would get concerned to the point where someone would most likely notify the authorities to go check up and see if things are ok. And if our actions offended the mom, well sorry.. I can deal with offending an adult, it''s not as if that was the main goal, concerns are with the child''s well being.

Just like you recognized that there might be something physically wrong with your daughter and took her to get diagnosed by a doctor so that she could recieve treatment for her diabetes, so to parents should regonize that there might be something mentally/emotionally wrong with their child and take them to somebody who is specialised in assessing those problems and treating them. I would rather be safe than end up being sorry, rather have wasted money on unnecessary doctor''s visits than to have wasted a child''s life. They are counting on us to make informed choices for their well being.

I read exhausted mother''s post several times and there are certain things she mentioned that just jumped out at me, red flag waving. I have never heard of or seen an attention seeking brat who was incapable of articulating themeselves, they usually make it quite clear why they need your attention, stat!! Her post said her daughter was having a hard time communicating with them but she managed to explain that she feels ''trapped'', that reminded me of myself when I was struggling. I couldn''t ask for help or explain to someone what I was experiencing because I couldn''t find the words, even today, if I say I felt helpless, hopeless and shoved with my back in a corner it doesn''t quite do justice to what I was experiencing at that time. So yes, I stick by what I said, that girl spesifically would benefit from some form therapy, if for no other reason than to learn to beter express herself or what she''s experiencing. Kids might use very bad methods to get our attention for very good reasons, treating it with an angry or cold response of ''I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in my house'' just seems unhelpful, your not getting to the actual problem, just dealing with the resulting bad behavior.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Lilly | 2012-11-16

Wow so we open this can of worms again??? Anon, I am the mother you accuse of child abuse ... sweetheart wake up and smell the sunshine because my daughter is Laatiqa who posted from a teens points of view - does her post sound like the post of an abused child??? I don''t think so!!! Yes I did tell all my colleagues and family about it because it had to stop! There was NO way I was going to give into her little tantrums and take her to a psychiatrists to create problems that are not there!

I also agree that before you want to stone Kelly, Pat, Leila or myself, please read the " confused mom''s"  mail again and you will realize that her teen''s issues are for attention seeking purposes only! Tough Love works - it''s been proven over and over again! Most kids today are not taught by their parents to cope with life but rather taught that for whatever troubles you face, take a pill or even better, show a little blood! They hear and see their friends doing it and most of them get away with it, reason they try it too! As I said in my previous post, it is your duty as an adult and a parent to equip your child with life lessons - not run to some doctor to soften them up! How will they ever learn to fly when everybody gives into their tantrums???

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: Kelly | 2012-11-15

Hi Leesa
If you had read the story of the mom who was looking for help you would see the difference in your story and her''s.
You obviously had a horrible childhood and that was your coping mechanism. You see, the teens who really need the help are the ones who unfortunately will not get it. WHile the ones who do not need it are the ones who will get it. Your situation is pure abuse and I really feel sorry for what you had to go through. You truely have horrible parents who treated you differently and did not care to see the signs of your self-mutilation.

See your story is different in so many ways and obviously my thoughts would be different towards yours.
So yeah call me ignorant anything you like really,it does not make much diffrence to my life. I do however think you are totally offside in your judgement but you are entitled to your opinion.

To Pat. thanks for sharing your story too and Leila for your last comment.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Leila | 2012-11-15

Its amazing how people can be judgmental and jump to conclusions saying your''r the bad one Kelly, they point fingers and accuse you of what they''r are doing to you. . How blunt minded can a person get?!
MInd all of you people, you dont have to agree with Kelly, each to their own views, but sometimes when truth cant be stomached some people become very defensive and judgemental.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Pat | 2012-11-15

Take heart Kelly, you are not alone in your beliefs. I saved my 14 year old daughter from bulimia by being a vigilant mother and " throwing the book"  at her, so to speak! I also saved my 17 year old son from getting involved with steroids at gym by being vigilant, educated and scaring the hell out of him too.

Tough love and taking NO sh!t works - I proved it. If they live under your roof, you have the right to make the rules - finish!

Reply to Pat
Posted by: Leesa | 2012-11-15

Oh Kelly you poor ignorant, closed minded woman. Shame, how is it like living in your dream world bubble?

Can I share my cutting experience with you? It is long, but I really need to tell you quite a bit for such a narrow minded person such as yourself to understand.

I started cutting myself and developed a bit of an eating disorder when I was about 15. I was 1.75m tall and weighed 51kgs. I hardly ate, my family always joked that, " I''m wasting away..."  and that was it.

My cutting lasted until I reached my 20''s. I still do it every now and again when things get heavy, but it doesn''t give me the same satisfaction. I am not a happy person now, and back then I hated my life. HATED IT. I wanted to die, and tried once when I was 21- I drank about 20 adcodols with a whole bottle of rum. I obviously didn''t take enough, silly me and I felt like crap for days afterwards, no one noticed. I was not a pretty teen, I wasn''t overweight but I hadn''t grown into my looks- I was gawky. I had glasses and my teeth were so skew. I was teased at school. I was extremely introverted so I had a small circle of friends. My family didn''t understand me, I spend hours and hours and hours in my room. Even as a small child I would rather play by myself than with my cousins.

My family interpreted that as being rude, and in turn did not treat me the way my sisters were treated. My aunt would phone and shout at ME when my mother wasn''t there by a certain time in the afternoon to pick up my sister. My other sister could go out until late on a school night, I had to be home by a ridiculous hour over the weekend. I was grounded all the time, longest was six months because I missed my curfew by 30 minutes. My parents were divorced and would always bad mouth each other to us. When my sister moved to my dads house, my mother would spoil her rotten when she came to visit. We didn''t have a lot of money, we lived on beans on toast but when my sister came we had cake mix and steaks and all the nice things.

When it was my birthday, my mother would buy my sisters a present to, as if to make up for the fact that it wasn''t their birthdays. My father bought my sisters all cars except me, I was the only one with a licence. My father gave my sisters allowances, bought them clothes, I got nothing. My mother would never thank me for keeping the house clean but would notice immediately if heaven forbid the dishes weren''t done.

My grandmother and sister once quite literally pushed me out the house and locked me out for hours because I was having a fight with my sister about a shirt I borrowed from my other sister, never mind the fact that my other sister had walked out the house that day wearing half my clothes. It was winter, they let me back five minutes before my mother came home, I had no jacket with me even.

When my mother found out about my cutting, she took me to a psychologist TWICE before complaining I''m costing her money and it''s not even helping. The psychologist diagnosed me with depression but never put me on meds, he wanted to see how therapy would help first. Well, we never got that far.

Those are only a few examples. I can give more, such as when my uncle wanted to lay a charge of vandalism against me when I accidently spilt a little bit of paint behind the house we rented from them when I painted my bookshelf. It didn''t all come off, hence his anger. Or when I wasn''t even allowed to use the washing machine without supervision... when I was 16.

And I am not a bad person. Today I have lent my sisters cars and money and phones and and and. I helped my mother financially, helped people get jobs, I give all my old clothes to a cleaner at work who is raising three children and a grandchild by herself. The way my family treated me was since I was a child, and I reacted negatively to their actions, and they in turn acted negatively towards my negativity.

So I continued to cope by cutting. Now you tell me, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to cope, oh perfect one? Was I spoilt for choice? I think not.

I really hope you open your eyes soon, because life really is not simple.

Reply to Leesa
Posted by: Jenna | 2012-11-15

You thank Laatiqa for giving her side of the story because it suits you, there were a few other posters who also speak from experience yet you fail to thank them- because they disagree, perhaps?

Kelly, quite frankly you have NO experience on the subject, you yourself had your own vice so who are you to judge? Not everyone is strong- like people who commit suicide over bullying or who resign from their jobs when the going gets tough.

You know if it''s one things parents hate to hear, it''s someone saying or implying they don''t know how to raise their child. Everyone''s lives and opinions are different, if everything was the same we''d be robots, isn''t it?

My point is, you are not perfect and the mother posted looking for ADVICE, not comments from some chickie who has nothing constructive to say, and who rather thinks that everything is as simple as black and white.

Yes kids of today are spoilt for choice, but NOT all kids and that doesn''t mean that kids don''t have real issues either.

And stop loling- it''s certainly no laughing matter.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Anon | 2012-11-15

I guess we all have our opinions, just wish people would acknoweldge that there are indeed kids out there who do struggle with mood disorders such as depression (just because they have natural moodswings doesn''t mean they are immune to actual disorders), and that does require more than just tough love.

One of the posters shocked me quite a bit when she said she went out and told everyone about her daughter who was cutting herself. Whether it''s due to attention seeking or a more serious underlying issue, for an adult to go out with the purpose to shame and humilate a child borders on child abuse for me.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Leila | 2012-11-15

Thanks for the input there, Kelly. You sound like such a nice woman!
Kids need love that is firm, ie. tough love!

Reply to Leila

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