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Question
Posted by: Peekaboo | 2012/05/02

RE: Confused

Ok so i am 32 years old and i have a secure job, paid off car and have a place of my own. But i am having problems dealing with relationships. About 3 months ago i reconnected with an old friend and we realised that we really liked each other and wanted more. So over the long weekend we met up and had a wonderful time together. He treated my like a queen and we did all the fun things together that couples do. I felt happy at the end of the night and we spoke again yesterday and he said that he would like to see me on the weekend again. However i am in doubts of this because you see i still have my mom living with me and if i say i am going out on a Saturday then she says what about her. Then i feel sorry and say ok then i wont go out so that i can stay at home with her. (However i don''t feel this is healthy because i am shutting myself off from the world) I then say perhaps my friend and i can spend time at home then she says but what about her she can''t sit between two love struck people. She then says she will see if my brother will have her for the day. I really do like this person and i would like to see where it can go but i feel i am being torn in two as i don''t know which way. I am at the stage where i feel scared of forming a friendship relationship because i know it causes friction between my mom and i and i don''t need the pressure. I am actually at the point of callng the friend and saying we cant do this, but then i think i also need to live my life and my brother also needs to look after mom one day in the week. I also need time out... What should i do because i feel really sad and all the other relationships have ended this way. My mom also says because he is indian and me white that his family will eventually find him a wife and i will be left out in the cold... But can i not enjoy my life?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm pleased you have those good things, but of course none of them provide good or easy relationships ( though sometimes, if one doesn't have them, one might think they would ).
Its good of you to be helping your mom, but its absurd and selfish for her to expect you either to stay at home and refuse social invitations, or to expect you to take her along.
Why on earth can't a grown woman enjoy an occasional quiet evening at home on her own ? Why does she think she needs babysitting every night ? Why does she need "looking after " ?
If she is seriously disabled or needs constant health care that might be different, but you don't mention that, and apparently she stays at home quite fine during the day while you're at work ? If she had health needs, you could hire a caregiver for the times when you need to go out, but this really doesn't seem to be the situation you're describing.
Of course you need to be free to live your own life. And of course your brother should share the burden, if there actually needs to be such a burden. It sounds as though she is just being selfish and determined to undermine any possibility of your enjoying a personal relationship of your own.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/02

I'm pleased you have those good things, but of course none of them provide good or easy relationships ( though sometimes, if one doesn't have them, one might think they would ).
Its good of you to be helping your mom, but its absurd and selfish for her to expect you either to stay at home and refuse social invitations, or to expect you to take her along.
Why on earth can't a grown woman enjoy an occasional quiet evening at home on her own ? Why does she think she needs babysitting every night ? Why does she need "looking after " ?
If she is seriously disabled or needs constant health care that might be different, but you don't mention that, and apparently she stays at home quite fine during the day while you're at work ? If she had health needs, you could hire a caregiver for the times when you need to go out, but this really doesn't seem to be the situation you're describing.
Of course you need to be free to live your own life. And of course your brother should share the burden, if there actually needs to be such a burden. It sounds as though she is just being selfish and determined to undermine any possibility of your enjoying a personal relationship of your own.

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