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Question
Posted by: Gareth | 2011/10/21

Re: Can''t reach out

So I think that she has left me. I know that she waited too long for me to reach to her so she contacted me first, again, to say that while she holds a lot of love for me, she cannot continue to be the one doing the begging and apologising. She says that it drains her. She says that her heart is aching and she is crying but she needs to concentrate on her work and studies and this relationship with me was causing her more misery than joy. She sent me all the quotes and notes she''d beeen saving for me because she says that she didnt ever want me to doubt how much she loved me but that I keep breaking her heart by closing myself up. I love her. I love her more than words can say but I cannot even bring myself to respond. She sent me a picture of where she put the symbol of our love in her desk draw because she says she feels that despondent. Do you think that it would help to call her now and talk to her? I dont even know if I can. I dont know what I''ll do if she doesnt want to talk to me ever again. I dont know what I''ll do if I bump into her somewhere and she is all friendly and nice and all I''ll want to do as I''d always wanted was to hold her and tell her how much I love her but I cant. Is she better off without me? I dont want to cause her pain and I want to take her pain away.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Loving is of course important, but as you've discovered, there much more to a thriving and happy relationship that love. Where a couple are as close as apparently you two were, I prefer to see them enter couples counselling, not to be glued together, but to each understand themselves and each other, and this relationship and the skills of relationships, well enough to make an informed and wise decision either to stay together or to part.
Maybe give yourselves a few weeks to settle and calm down, and then approach her, maybe in writing or by a call, to ask how she's feeling, and to ask how she might feel about such a proposal - a sensible discussion with a referee / coach, as it were. And if she's wrapped up in exams right now, simply send her a message wishing her the best success in the exams, and asking to talk briefly with her when they're done.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Honest | 2011/10/21

The other side of the story is interesting..........
Do not forget to mention the alcohol issue when you see a therapist and also your jealousy problem.
Be sure to respect your exs wish not to be phoned.

Reply to Honest
Posted by: Cam | 2011/10/21

Please dont call. I am busy. I dont want to talk to you. Be fair and give me time alone as you were so willing to do all this time you decided that you didnt want to talk to me. I''m not interested in counseling because I have my sh*t together. Get yours! I reach out to you and you''re drunk half the time, go out with your friends and ignore me for a full weekend and want me back on a Monday morning. I love you, of that you can be certain but threatening to kill me (even jokingly) if I leave you and fearing that I''m sleeping with every man who offers, is just too rich for me to stomach. I''ll probably always love you but I also love myself. I''m hurting - of course I am, but a full year of this crap? Tell the full story.

Reply to Cam
Posted by: Honest | 2011/10/21

Until you have gone to individual therapy as advised by CS in post 834 l think she would be better off without you. You sound too immature and have too much baggage to be of any use to a woman looking for a stable relationship.

Reply to Honest
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/21

Loving is of course important, but as you've discovered, there much more to a thriving and happy relationship that love. Where a couple are as close as apparently you two were, I prefer to see them enter couples counselling, not to be glued together, but to each understand themselves and each other, and this relationship and the skills of relationships, well enough to make an informed and wise decision either to stay together or to part.
Maybe give yourselves a few weeks to settle and calm down, and then approach her, maybe in writing or by a call, to ask how she's feeling, and to ask how she might feel about such a proposal - a sensible discussion with a referee / coach, as it were. And if she's wrapped up in exams right now, simply send her a message wishing her the best success in the exams, and asking to talk briefly with her when they're done.

Reply to cybershrink

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