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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/10/05

RE: 962

Hi there, me again.

Thanks for your answer. I know if I hurt him I will be made the bad guy, so that is not the answer. I have confronted him and he just ignores it. He actually told me that they only spoke once, and when I told him I know they actually speak often he just did not reply. He does not even understand why I could possibly be upset, and even asks me what could be wrong with me if I am not the loving wife within minutes of our confrontations.

I am just fedup with always having to accept everything from him. He has this attitude that if he says sorry I must immediately forget about averything. He has not said sorry for this anyway, he does not think there is anything to say sorry for since he does not " hide"  anything from me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Riht - when someone does bad things to you, it is never a good idea to do anything that will make it easy for them to change the focus and make you look like the bad guy. "Confrontation" is grossly misleadingly promoted and rarely useful, as you've found. How does he expect you to be "thr loving wife" if he can't be bothered to be "the loving husband" ?
But the trap is the focus becomes unhelpful. This isn't about how many times he spoke to her. It's about whether he cares that you are troubled by this, and need to be accurately re-assured ; about him recognizing that having lied about how many times, even if the conversations were essentially innocent, was wrong and understandably troubling for you.
He needs to understand that "sorry" is something you DO, not something you say.
Marriage counselling, to deal in more depth with what is wrong ( and it's obviously more than this single issue ) is needed

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/05

If he ignores your questions and refuses to be open with you - it''s usually because he IS hiding something. If he''s willing to let you have a look at his correspondence(email, facebook, mxit, skype, sms etc) - then he''s being honest.

Just because he says sorry doesn''t mean that he''s really sorry. I still remember my ex-husband and all the sorries I received. He would say ''Sorry'' for anything and everything just so that I drop the subject - not because he really wanted to apologise! I can''t say that this is what is happening in your relationship, but it is a possibility.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/05

Riht - when someone does bad things to you, it is never a good idea to do anything that will make it easy for them to change the focus and make you look like the bad guy. "Confrontation" is grossly misleadingly promoted and rarely useful, as you've found. How does he expect you to be "thr loving wife" if he can't be bothered to be "the loving husband" ?
But the trap is the focus becomes unhelpful. This isn't about how many times he spoke to her. It's about whether he cares that you are troubled by this, and need to be accurately re-assured ; about him recognizing that having lied about how many times, even if the conversations were essentially innocent, was wrong and understandably troubling for you.
He needs to understand that "sorry" is something you DO, not something you say.
Marriage counselling, to deal in more depth with what is wrong ( and it's obviously more than this single issue ) is needed

Reply to cybershrink

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